MLC w/Depression...withdrawing!

[albamarie]

Journaling: First, let me say I was really tired last night and it's called the yoyo stage, really I swear I can spell I just can't type as fast as my brain spills out.

I have been reading so much of the archives here as there is so much wonderful info. I have made a doc. of soo much stuff I never want to forget.

Ex: Standing is an essential part of the healing process of the LBS. You will constantly questions this throughout.

You will ask yourself questions like "WTF am I doing this for this person?"
In the beginning we want answers.

Why did this happen?
How could they do this?
Who am I?
What do I believe in?
What do my vows mean to me?
Why do I hurt?

And the BIG ONE...
What is it about ME that made them leave?

IMO you don't get answers unless you choose to take the hard road, STAND, and go on the journey.

At first you tend to look at it as a quid pro quo- I am willing to do this for a while until I see some progress. IOW you do it EXPECTING some outcome ...

As time goes on and your expectations aren't met you question again...

It is all part to of the journey. You may even have trouble articulating why you are doing this to other people or yourself.

Then you start to look inside....
Then you start to see who YOU are...
Then you realize that this is part of YOU

What you have chosen is part of YOU and your character. So what began out of a search for answers for why and what is wrong with you. Out of hurt for what someone did to you...

You see it all has to do with who YOU are. The best part of who YOU are and then...

It is no longer about what THEY choose or why.
It is about YOU

Later you realize many of the questions you wanted answers for aren't even important anymore. END

It's about ME!? Again, such a hard concept for me, I don't like being the focus, I like giving the spot light.

I think I'v learned early on if I expect any focus onto myself I will be disappointed. So I became a giver and in return received my own kind of satisfaction.

There was harshness in my family and attention was always neg. even if it was for something pos. it always had a neg. following. LIke, a B+ in math great...why not an A!

Thanks a$$whole was the ''under my breath'' comment from like 3rd grade! Then when I didn't say anything it was an insult to ''them'' for not sharing my news.

I stuck with the not sharing anything...and that's were I'm at with little friends, no confidant, not even someone to call for lunch, because H was all of that!

H was the one person I let in...and now I'm reliving my painful past of loneliness, and let down by those I love.

I was dumping my whole childhood insecurities on him in the begging of MLC, when all of my emotions were flooding my thoughts, lately I have learned to just give him the part he deserves these days (figuratively)!

Meanwhile, I am still dealing with myself, by myself, talking to everyone here, (thank God) and though I see a very slow progress, I am still soo stuck!