WAS vs. LBS

[Accuray]

In the meantime, I received some insight from H last night. He told me he was getting a lot out of a book that he was reading and gave me a couple of examples. They weren't new, either the problems or the solutions.

It's easy to read a relationship book and see all the things that your spouse is doing wrong -- that's the first place people tend to go because they are looking for affirmation of how they are feeling. It is much more difficult to flip that over and see how the relationship book applies to what you are doing. Good relationship books will force you to see this anyway, I hope your H is reading a good one!

So after a few sentences of affirmation and encouragement, I asked him what was different that he was receptive to what the book was saying but had never been receptive to my saying it

You're picking a fight here -- why? i.e. "You believe the book, but you don't believe me." Why do you want to have that conversation and where do you hope it will lead? I would bet it would lead to argument and hurt feelings instead of an apology from your H.

This isn't that unusual -- for one, men tend to defer to authority. If you tell them not to eat a stick of butter they might ignore you, but if the doctor tells them, they'll come home and share with you this new wisdom the doctor has imparted. You're entitled to roll your eyes, but the good news is that he got the message, right?

Secondly, if both of you are unhappy in your marriage, you are in an adversarial position. Neither of you are getting what you want, so neither one of you want to give more to continue being disappointed -- you are at odds. Therefore, if you suggest to H that he needs to act differently, his reaction is going to be to be defensive rather than receptive. That's why the book speaks to him whereas your feedback may not. You are in a negatively reinforcing cycle. Your unmet needs and resentment fuel adversarial behavior, which provokes a response that makes you even more resentful. Both of you are caught in this, but it seems to drag H down less than it drags you down, and that's why you're in the tougher position.

I'm glad he's reading relationship books.

Why is he motivated to do this? Because he's not happy either and doesn't like how things are going.

It's clear that you telling him what to do day to day is unproductive, he's just going to argue with you or brush it off, or let it fall on the floor. You could try using the "Socratic Method" on him where instead of telling him what you think, you ask him questions to stimulate critical thinking and lead him down the path.

"What do you think you should do about that?"

"Why do you think I feel that way?"

"Why do you think that doing that will make things better?"

Either that or lay down the strict position I outlined above.

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