Thanks - I took your advice. It wasn't what I expected. I spent most of the time listening and validating. There was a lot of bouncing back and forth between concerns about our relationship (the sort of stuff that I wish we'd talked about before she walked away) and MLC script (feeling trapped, feeling like life is slipping by, etc).
Emotionally, she seemed like she was very stressed out going into the conversation and cried telling me things about our relationship that really bother her (she feels like second fiddle, in my shadow, not heard, etc), but as we talked and I listened/validated her feelings, she calmed considerably. So one of my 180's needs to be making her feel like she is out of my shadow and more in control - still figuring out how to do that. Another is giving her adequate time to talk and just listening - something I was bad at before.
She didn't want to talk about the affair (nor do I) and I get the feeling that it may be over or maybe she is seeing that it is inconsequential. I also get the feeling that she put both me and the affair partner on hold and that I'm willing to stick with her through a crisis and he probably isn't - maybe she feels that. She hasn't been keeping herself together through all of this and while I've loved her when she was looking/feeling her worst, I'm guessing she isn't very attractive to an affair partner who is free to play the field right now.
Part way through the conversation, she asked to give me a hug which I returned. I told her that there is no turning back the clock on our relationship and that we are both different people now. I said that any relationship that we had would be between the two new people and she seemed receptive to that. It seems like that is an important thing in all of this - for us to renegotiate who we are and how we fit together (or don't).
I guess I would almost call the meeting productive for both of us. Again, not what I expected. We have couple therapy later this week, so I'll be curious where that takes us. Still not letting myself get wrapped up in expectations though - I know full well that the monster could show up again at any time.
_____________________________ Me:39 WAW:38, M:9 T:19, No Kids EA:9/24, S:9/24 EA on hold?, MC 9/30-now
