had plenty of nightmares about the kids and woke up really frazzled. For some reason called H ( I have not called him since MAY for anything non kids related and even then it is usually a text, not a phone call).
Then realized why I am I doing this? So i just said to him oh forget it, doesn't matter, then a very old piece of me rose to the surface. The anger.
I got bitchy/passive aggressive. Not about us, not about R, just dumb, ridiculous things.
He even said, have i done something to upset you?
In my head i was saying stop stop.....(and I remembered SD...process the anger so it doesn't bite me in the arse) and i went on for like another minute of ridiculousness and then just said, look i am being ridiculous, better i say bye.
Ugh..i felt horrible, dumb and wanted to just run away from that person (old me).
So i called again about an hour later and apologized. he said no worries. I said no, H. I mean it. There is nothing you did, these are my issues muddled up and i spewed them on you and I apologize. That is not who i want to be.
He said he appreciated that.
So that was fine. I really needed to get myself together. I was surprised at myself.
Then we had a little chit chat and i for some reason asked...if you saw me right now harming myself, and potentially harming the children...but i refused to acknowledge it, would you try and stop me? would you try and get me to see what I was doing, that I needed to stop and heal?
he said yes of course, I would try and intervene.
I said even if I pushed you away? and he said yes.
Then he asked if anything was wrong with me? I said no. I was just asking. and I left it at that. We said bye. And that was that.
When I got home from work, he was here and it was normal. I was normal.
Why did I do that? I know. I needed to hear something. I needed to hear that if the tables were turned, that he perhaps would do the same for me.
Don't worry, i am not going to try and talk to him or anything. just leaving it at that.
I hate that part of me so much. Its time i put her to rest forever. She only damages me and the people I love.
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
