He's Just Not That Into You

[RegretfulLA]

I realize he was seriously detached by then which is probably why we've been in this sitch for so long.

This is the feeling I started to have a few days before he told me he was going out with OW, and this is why I still hold that he's having an EA with her. On his birthday he was courteous but didn't show any genuine feelings of gratitude or anything else.

H's therapist has recommended this counselor so we'll see. I have told H that we both need to feel comfortable with him (ours is a male too). I agree that H needs to do most of the talking, and I have considered actually preparing a written "opening statement" so that I am sure I communicate exactly what I want to in the way that I want to. Or at least I need to go through the exercise of preparing it so that I'm clear on all of my issues and the sitch as I see it.

When (Or before) you had the first EA, How did you detach from your H? Was it deliberate? Like a conscious decision? Something that just happened or subconsciously?

Are you as detached now as your were then? If not why do you think that is?

Around the time of my first EA, I didn't detach deliberately. I felt very rejected by my H and felt very alone in the M, but wasn't really consciously aware of any of those feelings. Once OM1 came along, it was like shining a light on all of our issues because I saw that not all men were like H and that I didn't have to feel so rejected all the time. I had always had a little crush on OM1 but all of a sudden it turned into a big crush, and I had a hard time getting it out of my mind. Once I finally admitted to myself that there might be something better out there and it might be OM1, that's when I detached from H.

OM2 was more of a distraction from my troubles. He was never going to replace H.

Has your husband shown in the past that he can "look inside", self-reflect?

He thinks he's doing this now, on his own path with his own IC. I'm sure he is... but what he's not thinking is "How did I contribute to this?" The question he is asking is "Is this M meeting my needs?" - which, of course, it isn't. This is why he's landed where he's landed. Because of the questions he's asking himself. I do believe he's also asked himself if the M can change, and I believe he's seen that it can thanks to DB. I think this is why he's willing to give MC a shot. A small positive I guess.

I don't know if anyone has challenged him and asked him the "right" question (How did I contribute to this?). He has shown zero humility and no ability to admit his own shortcomings.

Does he apologize when he's wrong?

Rarely if at all. It's a real problem for me.

Does he or did he in the past let you know when you were crossing his boundaries?

Over the years he has gotten better at this. At first, this was a disaster in our R. I would do something he didn't like - he would sweep it under the rug and eventually it would bubble up and he'd be angry by then. He carried around a lot of resentment towards me for years, probably because he has an internal tape that tells him if he complains he'll be abandoned.

Since BD he has been much better at communicating his boundaries.