The green green grass of home

[Soul.Searching]

I'd really appreciate any input on tonight's not so good DBing.
I'm having mixed thoughts on if i should have had that conversation.

D9 asked to call H, so I called and gave her the phone. When both the kids had finished talking S8 handed me the phone.
H and I were talking for a while and he was saying how he had a good time last night.
He kept thanking me for letting him see the kids mid week.
I keep telling him he does not need to thank me for "letting" him have the kids. Just because of what some of his friends partners have done, does not mean I would ever stop him from seeing them.

He was saying he might come with us on Friday to a carnival, if I didn't mind. I went quiet and said i was a bit worried about us spending a lot of time with the four of us because it probably won't always be like that and I'm worried about how it would affect the kids, when later down the track, we just suddenly stop.
H: "yeah I guess if you get a boyfriend" i replied and said something I shouldn't have.,,"Or when you get a girlfriend, if you haven't already" (AHH It just came out.) He said he doesn't.

He said that even when he does get a girlfriend they will just have to accept that he spends time with me and the kids. If they can't than they can go and get f-ed. He said he doesn't know if that's the right attitude to have but that's how it will be..
If they can't understand that, than they are not worth it.
(Yeah H, Yeah)

H: "it's not like we will be going off and f-ing" (Love his choice of words,..not) "You wouldn't let that happen anyway" Me: "It wasn't because I didn't want to, You are not in love with me and I didn't want to be used, That's what it felt like. I'm worth more than letting myself be used."
H said he had to go, so we hung up.

So about half an hour later, he called back. More general conversation and him telling me all about his work situation.
He once again thanked me for letting him have the kids. He said that's why he took me out with them last night to thank me.,
I told him he didn't need to do that.
H: well i also wanted to, it was nice and i really enjoyed it. We can still be friends. You have been a big part of my life for a long time and you always will be.
H: I just wanted to show you how much i appreciate it. Maybe if i done that more when we were together, We probably wouldn't have separated. Most of the problems were probably me.
Me: Well that would have helped but the problems were both of us but if I'm going to be honest, I don't think you tried when you came back,.. I mean you obviously feel you do but thing could have been different. I had already started changing.
H: What do you mean?"
Me: Well it sounds weird but i lost me years ago,.. Everything i did was about you and the kids.
H: yeah, that's wrong.
Me: i know but i didn't even realise. I brought up the candles (He said about him buying me some a while ago) and said small things like that. Even putting up with your crap, I never would have put up with the crap i put up with from you, Not from anybody.
H: Laughs an evil laugh,.. remembering how i was i think.
Me: I'm never going to put up with crap like that again from anybody.
More general conversation
H: after this time, when I go away for work,i probably won't go out drinking. I'm tired and I blew over $500 at pubs in two days.
Me: I'm not surprised.
H: Now that I'm keeping track of everything myself, I'm realising how much I spend.
Me: I knew you would. I used to try to tell you that. It frustrated me.
More general conversation,.
H said he will go with me on Monday or Tuesday to sort out some things, that really need to be done.
We hang up and I text him that I am not working either day but am unavailable Tuesday morning, there were a few more text and that's it.

Oh and he was telling me about him telling work that "I can't borrow the ex's car"
I thought that was,.. insightful.

He is actually starting to own some of his mistakes and starting to see things more clearly,.. at least for now but it really sounds like he does not want me back. He just wants to be friends, Nothing more.
He said he cares about me alot,.. His head seemed very clear, He sounded like he has been thinking things over and he just wants to be friends.
Doesn't leave much room for hope. It almost feels like i done all the ground work for him to be a better partner to someone else. Nice,.. just nice,..

Well I guess I better just worry about watering my grass,.. Actually I am getting there, I did cry a little tonight after the first phone call. I cried and then i picked myself up and finished off DB book. If this happened a week ago I probably would have spent the night crying.
I can see my own baby steps and really, that's ultimately more important.