The crack in my separated life...

[greatwhitenorth]

That was a fantastic post Accuray!

[2chiquitos]

I ditto Accuray!

[scaredsilly]

i think accuray is a living saint, an angel sent from God to help us.

[Soul.Searching]

I third that. Awesome post Accuracy. Very insightful.

[Sweetbriar]

I agree that Accuracy helps me soooo much! I enjoy getting advice from you and it really makes me think.

I wanted to write about what happened yesterday at court...it was emotionally draining and I couldnt write about it last night.

My lawyer and his went back and forth about the final money situation and visitation for the kids. I didnt make out bad with money...Im getting more than I was before and H is paying the mortgage. He is nit picking on some things he wont pay, like cell phones and daugthers dance...but he has since changed his mind about dance.

H was VERY stoic at court, NEVER made eye contact once and that was so hurtful. Like we were complete enemies, like we havent been best friends for 20 years. He had a look of complete sadness/anger on his face the entire time. I was sad for him. I know that this is hard on me and I guess it could be hard on him although he is the one who wanted these things:( I kept my composure the entire time and we did come to an agreement so all that happened was that it was read into the court and we were done. We did not have to get up and talk, which means that the affair was not brought up nor the new baby stuff. That will be later in the D, if that day happens:(

Visitation hurt me the most, as he is living at his parents and he is able to get our kids every other weekend now. His parents were awful to him as a kid, and I do not want my kids around them, as they hardly know them, but I could not keep them from their dad, so they have to go. He also gets them every other year for special holidays and that killed me, as my kids will be gone for Thanksgiving this year:(

WHY CAN HE LEAVE, HAVE AN AFFAIR, GET EVERYTHING HE WANTS AND ALSO GET MY KIDS FOR HOLIDAYS...WHEN I DIDNT CHOOSE THIS!!!!!!!

The visitation affected me the most. I took my closest girlfriend with me for support and guidance on final arrangements, thank God. I wouldnt have been able to hold it together without her. Its so hard to see the man you still love sitting there looking so mean and heartless. It was awful.

When we left, I never saw him except as he was driving away and he practically drove right over us, again with no expression.. Just very sad that 7 months ago I found out about the affair and now here we are...just so darn fast.

So, once I got home, I did have to tell the kids about he visitation arrangement, as it directly affects them. They cried and screamed and yelled how he ruined their lives and now he taking them from their home on the weekends. I told them that I cannot change it, that its court ordered but that they will get used to it. I did not discuss the whole agreeement with them, but advised that there will no longer be cell phones with expensive nice phones and data plans and internets etc...I dont have this on my phone..just them! They are so sad...

My oldest called her dad and cried, almost to point of panic attack...asking him why he was doing this and he said "I cannot stand your mother" and telling her that he can call the police on me for violating the orders to discuss our agreement. She said that she didnt want to spend time at Grandmas house with him. She also mentioned the cell phone and he advised her that she was going to cause him a heart attack and that he had to get off the phone and go work to support her. Said he couldnt listen to her cry.

She came downstairs hysterical. I calmed her and told them both that things will be okay..this too shall pass. Its so hard to see your kids in such stress:( My girlfriend stayed all day and she helped me to make them understand what is going on and how things will get better.

Later that evening...the girls each went to a friends house to sleep over and I thought that would be good for them. Before they left, H texted them and said that he will not stop paying cell phones or dance and that he will get a part time job if need be so they can keep that stuff. we shall see...

Way later, my friend, who has been a great friend to both my H and I for our entire marriage, received a text from H...it said:

H: You over stepped your boundaries today...its one thing to be there for your friend but you got involved in the dyanamics of holiday visitation. I thought you were a reasonable friend to Jenn (me).

I thought you gave 1/2 a sh*t about me, guess I was wrong.

Friend: Today was a difficult day and Im sorry you are sad. I think about you everday and I have always been a true friend to you both.

H: Im used to all my friends turning their backs on me..I loved you but I dont need you as a friend. That ship has sailed...

Friend: Thank you for your love, support and friendship to me while you had it to give

I thought she was very kind to him. She was so sad to see him so sad yesterday. My thought is that he is so angry and he needed someone to project onto....Im not sure why he would text her, but I guess he needed to "break up" with her too??? Maybe normal?

This morning I received some emails from H just finalizing some of the loose ends from yesterday about car Insurance and stuff. He seems to be completely and whole heartedly done. He wants to move on and separtate everything. Is this normal if there is ever a chance? I cannot understand if this is to be mean or just to really seal the deal....

I have to move on right now. I have to put a period and move on with my kids and my life, as he has made it clear that is what he is doing. He wrote in the emails that he is extending the oliveb branch (by agreeing to 1/2 the cell phone bill) and I keep sawing them off. He thinks Im angry and hostile.

Im sad..yes...but not hostile. I want what is best for my kids and honestly, top of the line cell phones are not priority right now.

I love my H. Im sad that we have come to this in our lives. Im sad that life will move along without him. I hope and pray that one day he will realize what he has done and come back, but I doubt that now. I just feel that the court date yesterday made things very final. I know that its just paper, but I dont think that he would be so set on splitting everything so quickly if he ever thought there was a chance. He actually seems to be meaner now than ever~!

I cannot continue to take the abuse of his mean words and thoughts. I know he is so unhappy, but I cannot let it bring me unhappiness for the rest of my pregnancy....I already feel like I have missed so much. I need to look ahead at my future with bright eyes.

I know I will still cry. I miss him. I miss the man he used to be, but he is no longer that man. He is someone who I don't even know anymore. I hope that within the next year that things can change for us...we have a year until the divorce. I just dont know if he is capable of making any changes right now.

He has financially hit rock bottom. What is next?

[greatwhitenorth]

I'm so sorry. This is just so sad. You will be ok but it will take time.

[Accuray]

Sweetbriar,

That's awful and I'm sorry to hear it, good for you for how you handled things. Note how your friend responded to your H -- that's what you want to model. She was detached, polite, didn't engage with his venom and took the high road. Look at how she responded and model that. You will get through this but you are right to try and get space for yourself.

Take care of yourself Sweetbriar

Accuray

[labug]

I want to be friends with your friend, she's definitely a keeper! Call her before you have to interact with H.

I am so sorry you had to go through that. But now that part is over.

[Sweetbriar]

My friend has been a wonderful person to have in my life for these past 15 years. She is amazing and she truely does love me and my H.

So, after reading what happened in court...do you think he could turn around? Im thinking he is totally done..especially since today, the day after he is still asking to split everything. He doesnt seem to be sad at all at the outcome or that he wont see his kids much or that he has no money.

Maybe he is still not realizing what has been done?

I also am concerned that no matter what he may feel that his parents and OW have such a strong influence right now, that he may never even consider because of pride...how does someone want to come back after they have gone this far in their actions?

Is is possible?

Im better today..kinda detached..actually left some positive words to H in the last email...nothing begging or pleading or even implying..H responded that he appreciated the kind words and that he never envisioned this for us when we began. H said the he hopes that I remember those things I said about him as our we progress into our futures. He also wrote that he considers me into every decision he makes (hahahahah...im sure) and that he hopes I can recipocate that.

[keep_going]

Sweetbriar,

I am sorry about the court appearance, yet I think it will be better to have some questions answered so you don't have to worry. For intance - the financial aspect is set and you don't have to worry about it.

Re. visitation - I know that your feelings and those of your kids towards your H are very, very raw. Yet, we always have to remember that it's not our place to determine or affect the R that the children have with their father. Time and his actions will determine that. Try to stay away when it comes to that.

I am not asking you to try to mend that R, but please try to remain as neutral as possible when talking to your kids about your H and please, please do not fight in front of them or talk about your H with a friend at a time when your kids can listen. Your H's behavior is most definitely hurting them - but witnessing first hand every detail of it just makes it worse.

Try to stop wondering if your H is done, if he is mad, if he is nice, etc. Focus on YOU and YOUR KIDS. That is what is most crucial TODAY. Your R with your H still has a lot of chapters to fill - it will not end today or tomorrow. You will have at least 18 more years of dealing with each other. Look at me - my H left when I was 6 weeks pregnant. My S is now 15 months old and I still deal with H almost every day. So try to step away from your R with him and pay attention to what you can control.

How are your kids doing today with the news?
What are you doing with them to help them feel better?
How are they processing their feelings? Are they in therapy?
What GAL activities do you have planned with your kids to get their minds off what is going on at home?

What GAL activities do you have planned for yourself in the next two days?
How have you felt with your pregnancy these past few weeks?
How is your nutrition?
Have you been sleeping well?
Have you tried any meditation or relaxation techniques?

There is A LOT you can focus on right now that will help you take your mind off negative thoughts and things you cannot control.
You can do this!!!

(((((sweetbriar))))))