need immediate advice

[25yearsmlc]

First, the kids nearly always eventually, figure out the OW/OM anyhow. Yet somehow they CAN resent the LBSer for being the one to tell them. I've seen it happen.

I'm not suggesting you hide or lie for him. Just saying the "don't kill the messenger" phrase can flare up and bite you.

And it's often later in life, when the older child reflects on the news that was delivered & by whom, and they wonder about the motivation for telling.

When it's the LBSer telling them, I've found that the kids usually infer a desire to punish or hurt the WAS by disclosing to the kids.

It's NOT fair, I know. I'm just saying that's what I've seen. In one wrenching moment, my niece said to my sister "WHY did you have to tell me? I didn't ask you about it yet!"


Do get your finanical/legal ducks in order FIRST. For your sake, assume he's either hiding assets or debts (debts YOU two will "Share") so you must protect yourself fast. Talk to the L about how and a paralegal isn't going to have all the answer's you'll need soon...maybe the basics but not enough. The parents make it more complicated.

As for staying in the house WITH the mil, that's kind of you --maybe even logical, but is it going to help you GAL at all?

Won't it alleviate your h's situation and put all the burden on you and NONE on him?

From your comments it seems as if there are "options" you want to offer him, (other than divorce terms)...

Is that true? If so, what are those options?

Do You want to "try & work this out".... IF, 'x' and 'y'?

IMO,

HE will either

1) NOT want a divorce b/c among other things, the logistics of his being single are bad for him.


OR

2) he will NOT want a divorce because he loves you and has simply failed to keep his vows...

in which case you'd have to decide a course of action based on CHANGES made (changes that were NOT made after the first affair...)

so, his success record on fidelity and lessons learned isn't...successful....

OR

3) he DOES want out, in which case you'll be finding out that much faster...and able to move along more quickly b/c you wont' stall out "Waiting"...

OR

4) he "doesn't know what [he] wants" ---easiest thing for him to "decide" is not to decide.

-in which case you can decide to ride along in limbo hell indefinitely,

or you can take charge of your life. IMO, you have not done so yet.

If you stay b/c HE does not know what HE wants, You can show your kids a dysfunctional marriage for that much longer AND prevent yourself from moving forward in your life or from meeting a man who treats you well...

OR you can show your kids that you can treat you better.

You're a smart enough woman to know that a man with THIS history of infidelity,

who never repaired the original problems that went into the cheating,
is not likely to stop....

A man who has a wife caring for the kids AND helping with HIS parents, all WHILE HE CHEATS

and mismanages money so he can't even argue that he's a good provider and dad...is NOT a man you can set an example of marriage with.

Show your children and yourself that you are a woman who can and will do better by being in charge of her life...not letting someone else dictate YOUR happiness.

I simply don't know what it would take to succeed with this man b/c I have no idea what - IF ANYTHING - HE is willing to do or work on in himself.


Best case scenario, you two plod through this and stay married by

you get in great shape and feel good about yourself

and HE works his butt off to regain your trust, AND he has this visible reminder of your attractiveness and desire for him

(b/c you were willing to lose weight to be attractive to him, b/c YOU desire him)

and you valiantly stay together with his transparency and effort and with your forgiveness and attitude...

These^^^ are no no small feats, you'll still have to work on wondering where the hell he is, HE will have to be transparent...and deal with your anger, as will you,

and you'll have to process this so you don't feel like a doormat for putting up with this again.

I can't see it without huge efforts from him, which he's never done before, if I recall right.

In theory, in TIME, and w/valiant effort on both ends, you could make it work.
What would that look like? Is it at all realistic?

Do you want to take him back and WORK on this - b/c it will be work on your end too?

Do you think HE wants to, or even can? Why didn't he the first time?

In short,
[b]
the WORST case scenario is NOT you two getting a divorce...

the worst case scenario is you two staying married, in THIS m, and staying miserable.

Please make a choice other than that one...for your kids and for YOU!