The green green grass of home

[Soul.Searching]

Thanks Bug, CV and AJM,., I guess my eyes are not quite as open as I thought.

Bug, yes they do like some of the perks of being married to us,... It just blows me away that they can still expect the good parts to continue. One thing I have already told H is that he can not have the best of both worlds. 
I guess that didn't sink in,.. It might not be good DBing but I can't detach if I'm letting him keep the perks. It would make me feel like I'm letting myself be used.

I have lost me somewhere along the line, I don't even know when! Maybe as much as 8 or 9 years ago when the children were born.
The "real" me would not take crap from anyone! 
Not in a nasty way but I would never, ever have let someone treat me the way H did. Well guess who's back? 

Even simple things like candles and insense! I love them, I used to always have them burning. Well H gets a headake from certain ones and from mixed smells. ( Even from non burning ones.) instead of compromising and finding ones that didn't affect him, I let him throw them all away.
Why did I do that? I guess that does not matter now but I have ordered some more. 
It seems I have kept all of our mutual interests but somehow forgot about the things I like to do that H doesn't. Which really I could use one hand to count them (We really do have a lot of common interests.) but that's not the point. Those few things were a big part of what makes me, me. 

I think H realized this before I did, thinking back now, he did buy me some candles about six months or so back. They weren't the ones I really like, I guess I just didn't use them, H actually lit them a few times. They smelt good but they weren't what I would have choose. There is more examples but the short version is, I think H was missing the old me and somehow I didn't even realize I wasent there. (I hope that makes sense.) 


CV, I know he also had a EA with this person for at least a year or so, Honestly I don't think he even realized what a EA is. I guess I subconsciously pushed that fact away. I haven't even really thought about it since he can back after the first time. I guess I haven't even dealt with that at all.
It was only reading your post that I thought, Hang on he did have a EA,.. Wow that really must have affected me, I don't know how I could "forget" something like that. I think I have mentioned it here before somewhere but I cartianly haven't dealt with it. 
Honestly, I think he did kiss her at the start of the EA, I think he had sex with her just before he left but I have no solid evidence. Just feelings and a dream I had six months or so ago. 
 
AJM, no I don't think I have seen the bigger picture yet. Just when I think I am seeing it, something happens or is said and I realize just how far away I actually am from seeing it. 
I want to thank everyone on this board again for all of the support. Mostly it has been people here who have opened my eyes and made me see things. I really think I would be so much further behind where I am now, if it wasent for the support of everyone here. 
I still have a long way to go but I will get there, with or without H. 

Honestly I don't know that I have been a good DBer but the things I have
Picked up, have made a huge impact both on myself, my children and H. 
I do speak my mind a lot. I do throw in a lot of truth darts, just in passing conversation and I change the subject quickly but I'm sure he does think about them later. 
I guess I do need to start setting those couple of boundaries and not worry about the outcome. It's the only way to stay true to myself, which I guess outweighs how H will react. 
I have changed a lot since BD and I like it, I'm more of the old me but with a lot of changes for the better. I'm no where near finished though. 

Yesterday, I recieved a letter for our joint account which is a couple of hundred in debit now, due to things coming out after we opened separate ones. The letter was addressed to me only, H must have taken his name off. When I seen it I was Hurt and angry! My first instinct was to call H, It wouldn't have ended good because I was pissed. 
Then I thought I would wait a while and think about it later, well I couldn't wait, then I thought " What would I do if this didn't make me feel hurt, betrayed and angry?" (H was supposed to be paying the ballence and closing the account.) 
Then I though, I would probably wait until he arrives and ask him during general conversation. Which is what I did. He denied taking his name off but I don't see why it would be addressed to me only. 
I just accepted his answer and there was no anger.
I'm not angry or hurt about it anymore. I'm just accepting it and taking it as it is now my debt to pay and cut my losses. 
"If it burns, take it as a lesson learned,)"

It felt good to have dealt with it like that,..okay I think I went totally off topic lol

After hearing aboutmakeup, dresses, nails and all the other crap I heard, I'm actually suprised that things still suprise me lol
Yes I guess I do need to expect these things. It just hard because if H heard someone else having that convo six months ago, he would have said they were crazy. It's just weird. 

Sorry that was so long. I guess I have a lot to think about.