Thanks A. I don't think my list is unreasonable, but then who does, right? Think their own list is unreasonable, I mean.
I think I'm good with sticking to my boundaries now. That was one thing that I've done some work on, and it's certainly not that it hasn't been tested! So I'm sticking with my distance "until." My dilemma lies with how to tell him what he needs to do.
Some time back, it was suggested that I "let" him take S12 to school because I needed to give him opportunity to feel "needed." So even though it wasn't something I really wanted as I enjoy taking him, I did so to give him an opportunity. Unfortunately that didn't turn out so well.
So how would he prove/demonstrate that he's being honest, for example? I mean, isn't that sort of the whole point of being dishonest? Not letting the other person see what's really going on? So I don't know what he could do to "prove" he was being honest, since I wouldn't know he wasn't being honest until I caught him being deceitful again.
Being compelled to take care of his family? I know when I feel like he doesn't feel compelled, because he over-spends and over-schedules himself. I don't think telling him he needs to spend less and schedule less time means that he's compelled, it just means he's doing what he is being told to do. And that opens the door for more deceit because he isn't doing what he really wants to do.
Ownership of the budget? That just becomes a debate of whether or not we can actually afford something. H's income isn't meeting household expenses now, but he thought it was reasonable for him to take out a home equity loan to buy a third car. We simply disagree. In the past, we've always paid cash for our cars and talked about how we really like not having a car payment. Suddenly a loan makes perfect sense to him, and "it isn't really a car payment anyway because it's a home equity loan payment." Even though I've told him multiple times that S12's tuition and mine were being paid out of my savings, he claimed he didn't remember. He knew the balance of funds were going down each month but still kept spending. Does it count as his ownership if I have to sit down with him each month and add up the expenses? How do I say this to him? Where is the line between partnering and nagging/controlling? I don't seem to do well with that.
These things are very hard for me to itemize something "measurable." Respect is another thing for me. I can say, "don't roll your eyes at me, don't take food off my plate, don't use me as the brunt of your jokes, etc.," but all that's doing is modifying the behavior. It isn't addressing the internal perspective/feeling. I can't change his feelings with a to-do list.
Like the feelings of love or even like. Does anyone really want to stay M'd to someone that doesn't love them, or even like them, because they are able to puppet the correct behaviors? Is that even sustainable?
