Tough love is about setting boundaries and not enabling his poor choices. The we will remain friends speech is just that. A speech. It is to ease his guilt at his actions by saying. See she agree's I can behave this way towards her and she will still be there for me. That is one of those conversations they say and as long as it sounds like you agree or validate. Then you agree to everything they are doing.
If you had said.
No. You lose me as a lover and as a friend. We will be acquaintances with a shared history and no more.
That would have given him something to think about. Most likely there would have been some crocodile tears and some well wishing tossed in for good measure but it would have been a truth dart tossed at him that would have hit home later.
You explain this to them once. Then you stick to your boundaries.
Let them experience the life they just said to you they want.
And when they drop a few crumbs to see if you nibble. You stick with your tough love and boundaries.
It is at this moment when they will experience crisis. The crisis you went through when they gave you the speech.
This is where they start to come around and work hard at matching their words with their actions.
Or they just carry on leaving you.
Or you give in and accept crumbs and they carry on with keeping you in a holding pattern.
^^^^^^ Chatter wrote this on Fierce Hope's thread
I've bolded what I fear I have done in the past and am doing now by not stating what I want/need.
ME41 H39 T12 M9 Ilybinilwy 10/2010 H moves out 11/2010 H moves in 09/2011 out 11/2011 Try to fix it alone, give up 07/2012 Tumbling to file 02/01/2013 :-) "Strong on the inside, soft on the outside"
