Journalling

I am really missing H. After work tonight I went for a drink and a bite to eat with my mfriend from work. We are both doing the Spanish class so I suggested we did our homework after work with food. He's a nice guy and we get on well. I had a good time BUT afterwards I realised that spending time with mfriends highlights that none of them are H and I'd like to spend time with him. frown Maybe I should stop hanging out w my mfriends so I don't get that feeling?

Driving home I found my Self thinking about the space we both appear to need in our lives and how it might work in the future. I don't think either of us can handle living with someone full-time

a) we could carry on like this - joint mortgage on this house. I live in it and he lives on the base in the wk but comes home at w/ends. That's what many of the people he works w do.

b) i get that job I'm applying for and he lives in the house and I live away in the wk (rent a room) and come home at w/ends

c) i get that job and we both rent rooms near our places of work and buy another house in our dream location that we go home to at w/ends.

I realised that we don't have to do the "normal" thing if we don't want to. We've never talked about alternative living arrangements but it might just be what we need - along with other improvements yet to be determined/agreed.

There has been silence since our chat yesterday.
I often question the drivers for non-initiating/leaning back.
I know it prevents me from reaching out and coming back empty handed.
It also feels like I am testing H and his interest - like you do when you meet someone for the first time.
I don't want to play games.
Don't I already know he is interested by his engagement, even though it's infrequent?
I'm scared it will just continue like this, if I remain leaned back and don't say what I want/need (I guess I need to work out what I want first!)
I wonder what message he is receiving - non interest? because that's not the message I want to send. But I am aware that too much initiation by me may equal pressure to H.
But there is no opportunity/opening to say what I want/need in a relationship. Surely there will come a time for that?

Since he moved out, I have tread water whilst he drifts in and out of my life. I have only once said what's on my mind and that was this summer when he said he wanted to work things out and I said I wasn't sure. We did agree then that to fix us would mean committing to talking about what went wrong and what we both wanted but then he never got in contact when he came back. Perhaps he fears he can't give me what I need BUT, he doesn't even know what that is.

Things are definitely different this time
Since joining the board, my attitude has changed.
I am definitely more centred and Self focused. Detached?
Before, I was obsessed w getting him to move home / when he was going to spend time w me. Now I want to open up about what we need and whether we can meet each others' needs.
I can't believe we are like this (living apart but not finished) after all this time.
I wish I had found this board earlier and not spent the majority of these two years fixated w getting him to move home.
I fear that, as time goes on, we are drifting further and further apart and one day we will look up and notice that we haven't spoken or seen each other for months and at that point we will know what to do.
On the other hand, neither of us seems to be able to let it lie. That suggests to me that we don't really want to drift away from each other.

I guess what I am trying to say is why go on like this when it's currently not what I want from a R?

Why does he get to set the pace? Is it because if I bulldoze it, he will run? Is it because he is so damaged from his parental relationship that he is scared so he has to build trust. Is it because I did so much making him feel not good enough/ wrong that he is not sure of me these days? How come he can't see that despite everything he is good enough for me? That the fact that I am still here is testament to the fact that I want him in my life?

I would really like to say "H, we both seem to want to stay together. Rather than tiptoe around, if this thing is on, then i would really like to explore with you how to build a relationship that satisfies both of us." But I know I have to time it right.

Enough rambling. I'm going to bed so that I can get up and swim in the morning.

PS Thanks Tori for the alternative view; that I didn't want to have a texting R so here is another one. I will try to look at it like that and not to freak out at the slow pace. I'm just scared that this is good enough for him and he thinks this is good enough for me (it isn't - but i guess i can't say that? yet?)

PPS Whilst writing this he text "night Tumbling Punkydo x"(3) I waited 10mins and then replied "Night night, Punkydo x"(3)