WAS vs. LBS

[Accuray]

I feel like trying to describe to my H what I want in a M is like trying to describe to a psychopathic murderer why life is important.

First and foremost, I want honesty. Without honesty, I can't have trust. Without trust, I don't want a M. H has been lying to me about various things since the beginning of our M. Every time I address it with him, he promises he'll be completely honest going forward. Doesn't happen. Honesty simply isn't important to him. Well, for ME to be honest, yes, but not for him to be honest with me.

I would want a H that would feel compelled to take care of his family because he wanted to and not because he had to.

I would want a H to have some ownership of the budget, and not put me in the position of telling him he can't afford something.

I would want a H that would value me above others, and not sacrifice my feelings or my values in order to please someone else.

I could continue, but how does one explain how to do that to someone that doesn't understand it?

All that is good, you could just tell him that -- you deliver these things, and then I will work with you on our marriage, but I have to see real progress here first, and I have to believe it's permanent.

If you wanted to work on it a bit more, you need to turn it into things that you can measure. For example, how can you tell that he "wants" to take care of his family versus "feels compelled to". There is no way for you to measure his wanting, so you'd need to express it in terms of what he would be *doing* if he was acting in a way that indicated want.

Also, you have to make it a list that he can actually deliver on -- i.e. if he's 5' 7", you can't say he would need to be 6' tall because he just can't do that. Nothing on your list violates that, but I don't know what else you have that you didn't list, although I'm inclined to believe that your list is extremely reasonable.

I would view it as a green field opportunity and just put out there what you want from your marriage. Set a boundary that these are not to be debated, and you will not argue over whether you should want these things or not. You also won't argue about whether or not he has delivered them -- in your opinion he has not, and you are the one he is asking to do some work.

If he says he wants to work on your marriage, that's GREAT! Don't let him define what that means where he wins and you lose. Flip that around and tell him what it means to you. Either he can play by *your* rules, or he can keep living the way he was been living, either way is fine for you, but there is NO path where he gets more and you don't. Tell him that simply will not happen. Then, let him tantrum, let him pity himself, but just keep coming back to him with the same message -- here is what I need. Step up and deliver these things and I will work with you. Refuse to deliver these things and I will not.

Why not be strict about this? What have you got to lose? You don't have to do anything unless he steps up.

Accuray