Sounds like your H is doing what my H did - amputated me from his life. It's been over a year and there is one last pile of his crap left in the garage. The long, drawn out process of him collecting his things kept me stuck for a very long time. Their presence here did not change the outcome. He also did not say divorce or separation for a very long time and acted cool as a cucumber about the whole "process" until his panicking forced me to do the agreement up. Divorce is 100% down to him though. I will not lift a finger unless I see falsehoods on his application. As for the last pile of his things? "No rush" he says.
Put as much as you can together and be sure you are calm, cool, collected and detached when he comes to get them. Keep it quick and business like. The dams will open once he's gone but don't let him see it.
me 45 H 46 T 5 M 2.5 BD Sept 6 2011 OW Sept 8 2011 Threw him out Sept 8 2011
Not rude at all . We're all about the sharing here.
He'd send emails in the middle of the night saying he was under so much stress about the separation agreement that he was going to have a heart attack, that sort of thing. I refused to meet him face to face and he was out of the house from BD. This went on for some time. Fortunately I don't recall the details but most of it is in my threads, probably the latter part of the first one. I couldn't stand to witness the panicking anymore so I just drew up the separation agreement the way I wanted to see it. He had expected me to do all the work, to save him just like mommy always does. Eventually I had to for my own sanity.
me 45 H 46 T 5 M 2.5 BD Sept 6 2011 OW Sept 8 2011 Threw him out Sept 8 2011
Pretty good. D and I just got back from the spa. Massages and pedicures, ahhhh....I did manage to upset a close friend last night. It's hard for me to hang around her and her H. We used to hang out together, both couples. Now it just doesn't feel right. Plus, when my H is in town, he goes over there a lot. They get to see him, talk to him and hug him. I haven't hugged my H since July.
How is your weekend going?
I so get this any time I see any couple kissing, touching or holding hands it rips my heart out. I miss that stuff.
Originally Posted By: TJP
Pretty good. D and I just got back from the spa. Massages and pedicures, ahhhh....I did manage to upset a close friend last night. It's hard for me to hang around her and her H. We used to hang out together, both couples. Now it just doesn't feel right. Plus, when my H is in town, he goes over there a lot. They get to see him, talk to him and hug him. I haven't hugged my H since July.
How is your weekend going?
Its OK you can see my message for all the details --
Originally Posted By: TJP
Did your wife come home?
Yep -- things still the same -- meaning limbo continues !!
The best way to respond to his I want to start discussing things is to say - no problem - what exactly do you want to discuss ??? Light friendly and indifferent.
This stuff [censored] I know some times I am so fed up with this BS myself - stay strong -
If someone decides there is no goodness in you they won't be able to see it. I'll take a BLT over a MLC anyday !!!
Here is the catch up.....yesterday H wanted to know about getting a key and coming to get some stuff. I waited until today. I wanted an answer from him about OW. He is "going forward with the process"...still don't know what that means. Anyway, I asked if he was still involved with OW. Here is how the emails went today M:I have one question. Are you still involved with OW? I would like a yes or no answer, please. Nothing else. I believe I deserve a truthful answer. H: same answer as every other time you've asked. No. M:Thank you for your answer. M: I'm not asking out of doubt. It for the "process" I need. M: send a list of what you want from the house and we can set up a time for me to bring it to you. H: you didn't comment on any of the things I've said or questions I've asked (key) I don't know what you meant by you wanted to know for the process. Like I said- this is hard enough and I really want to work together on this. I want to make sure everyone is taken care of and we don't end up worse because we don't work together. So, I'm assuming that I can't have a key now. M: you are willing to work together to end our marriage, but not willing to even try and put our 22 year marriage back together? H: I'm not trying to fight with you and I'm not trying to upset you. I'm concernd about the bank account. Can you tell me what all the transfers to account xxxx are? I'm assuming its OD but I don't know. M: send a list of what you want from the house and we can set up a time for me to bring it to you.
The account is mine. I make transfers to this account from joint. I only transfer what Ds and I need. I pay the house bills out of the joint. I told him three weeks ago I opened the account. I see how much he listens to me! The last time I asked about OW was about 7 or so weeks ago. I asked when I got the ILYBINILWY. So, I know I probably did some things wrong in my emails. For me to stand up to him about the key and me taking his stuff to him, I'm sure was very surprising to him. I'm sure he was expecting something different. I like the fact that he is "confused" about what I said concerning the "process". He has been saying things for the past 4 months and it never says anything or really answers what his plan is.
When he gives you a key to his place, then you might consider giving him a key to your place/space. He wants a key so that he feels that he still has control over the situation and he can come and go and you couldn't stop him.
I think you did the right thing by requesting a list of items he wants from the home. Be sure you keep a copy of the list for future reference, if need be.
As for working together, I don't see how a key is going to do that. He's gaslighting you and trying to manipulate you into giving him that key. Don't do it. You could very easily come home one day and all of the "good" things would be gone and you would not have a leg to stand on in getting them back into the home.
I wouldn't share anything w/him with regards to the bank account you've set up. This is your account and he doesn't need access to it. He can check the joint account himself and figure things out. Don't share this account info w/him.
Stick to your boundaries and do not back down. This man is all about control and manipulation to get what he wants. You did a nice job of standing up for yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks! I haven't given him any info on the account. He only knows the last four digits. I'm not going to respond about who the account belongs to. I work in a classroom with my best friend. She is great about listening to me and help me figure things out. Just like everyone here!
With the key issue, I think he wants to check to see if have have sold anything. He is not living in the house and he is out of the country so much. It haven't sold a thing.
Unless you are forced to give him one, I wouldn't.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I don't plan to, unless he brings a court order. It's not so much the stuff that concerns me, it's how my Ds and I feel after he leaves. The girls have major breakdowns. YD doesn't want to even talk to him right now. I promised them the last time that I was not going to let it happen again.
