It is said that Odysseus managed to get pass the island by having his men put wax in their ears so they couldn稚 hear the mesmerizing chant while he himself was tied to the mast of his ship. The sirens were so distressed to see a man hear their song and still manage to escape that they jumped into the sea and drowned.
While this distance is meant to preserve my sanity and protect me from further pain, perhaps it can be twofold and maybe, my W too will feel similar distress at seeing me pull away in the face of her constant presence.
Ha! Love your first post in this thread Arsene, so poetic!!
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I suppose that if she does initiate a convo, I値l need to figure out if I want to be a part of it or not. I知 quite new to this approach so I知 not quite sure.
It sounds like you're trying to go dark? That can be tough indeed when kids are involved. I tried to go dim, but it was a big flop. Turns out we're around each other way too much because of our kids and all their activities. Michele mentions in DR that there is no such thing as divorce when kids are involved and she is sooooooo right. Wish W could see that. Anyway, remember that detaching and going dim is to be done lovingly. As Michele said:
"successful DBers cherish their spouse and show a great deal of compassion. They almost always keep their pain to themselves... they "act as if" things are normal in their life."
I like that word "compassion" because it really highlights that detachment is not about being cold and distant. It's about giving space, but still showing compassion.
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If she asks me why I知 so distant, I値l need to come up with an answer that doesn稚 involve me telling her how much I知 hurt. I guess I could just evade it and tell her that I知 fine but I have stuff on my mind.
Be careful, she may perceive that as hiding emotions and "more of the same" behavior. Would it not be more truthful to say "I just think you and I could both use some time and space to think about things and decide where to go from here"? Because that is what detachment is all about. Plus your response is a little mysterious, you're laying some seeds of doubt that maybe she can't just assume you'll always wait for her.
Well, she did leave the house once D8 was asleep and went to a nearby internet cafe. I saw her on FB and we exchanged a "few" words. She just got back and went straight to bed. I was in my bedroom so we didn't meet. I sure hope this gets easier.
There was a wise poster on here who used to often say, "Hope isn't a plan."
AT, we saw each other on FB and had a quick chat about meeting on FB when we were just in the same house. She then told me she had a "chat" appointment with her sister who lives in a nearby country. Nothing much.
AS, thanks for your constant support. I figure that if one day W and I end up going through these pages together, I might as well make them interesting to read .
Thanks for your advice on detaching. In fact, this morning, when I got up to say goodbye to D8 who was leaving for school with W, I was my pleasant self, and W seemed to mirror that. We had a bit of an interaction re: my visa and they left. I felt better about that than I did about the merely "civil" approach.
I also like that compassionate approach. I'm not here to punish my W. That would mean that I am judging and condemning her, which are things I used to do and part of my 180s. I need to create some distance for myself, not to hurt her. I can do that by remaining fun, loving and caring when we do meet. I just need to make sure we don't meet too often, or for too long.
"I just think you and I could both use some time and space to think about things and decide where to go from here"
I like that answer AS. It is truthful and you are right, it is also a bit mysterious or at least thought provoking.
Starsky, you are right. Hope alone is no plan but hope is an important part of any plan for where is the need to plan if we hope for nothing.
Thanks for sticking around mates.
Freshman Class of 2012
M-49 W-42 1D-10 T 10 YEARS M 9 YEARS EA/MLC 07/2010 Separation 28/05/2012 PA confirmed 31/07/12 W Asked for D 31/07/12 D on and off the table since then
AT, we saw each other on FB and had a quick chat about meeting on FB when we were just in the same house. She then told me she had a "chat" appointment with her sister who lives in a nearby country. Nothing much.
Hmmm...
Do you know one of the best moves I made as far as helping myself along the "Detachment" route?
Stopping the FB train when it came to my W.
I stopped checking in on her, her friends etc... I went so far as to hide her from my timeline... And although she's since "Defriended" me, I don't miss a thing about it.
I look at it this way: If she wanted me to know what was going on in her life... She'd tell me. Or she'd share it with me directly in SOME way...
Have you thought about hiding her from your timeline? Reading back through your thread, there have been quite a few posts by W that have sent you into a tizzy... with no positive results on the other side... Maybe it's time to take a step...
DBing doesn't mean being cold toward your S. What you need to do is to be in friendly terms with your W, and letting her know you "get" that she does not want to be in the M anymore, and that you have a happy life of your own. See the difference? It's not easy to do. I failed at it many times.
You must convey that you understand what she wants and respect it, while being fun, and mysterious, and sexy, and all the things she liked about you when you first started dating. The change you're trying to spark is in her head. But only she can change her own thoughts. You're there to provide the fuel for that change. I hope you see what I'm trying to say.
DBing doesn't mean being cold toward your S. What you need to do is to be in friendly terms with your W, and letting her know you "get" that she does not want to be in the M anymore, and that you have a happy life of your own. See the difference? It's not easy to do. I failed at it many times.
You must convey that you understand what she wants and respect it, while being fun, and mysterious, and sexy, and all the things she liked about you when you first started dating. The change you're trying to spark is in her head. But only she can change her own thoughts. You're there to provide the fuel for that change. I hope you see what I'm trying to say.
There should be a 'like' button! ^^^
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
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