Just a quick quip from purgatory

[AJM]

I struggle greatest here. I've read so many books and forum threads and websites and everything she does is right in line with MLC. Knowing what she's doing, what she's saying, doesn't make it easier to hear or see. I feel as though if I were wrong, then hearts wouldn't come out for me, that my kids wouldn't be upset with their mom. So I believe I'm right in most of my actions and that belief is probably veiled in my speech towards my W and I know that it doesn't help anybody. I guess I feel as though it's all I have to keep me from dropping into despair.

You are still really honed in on being "right". Does that make sense to you? Is it helping? I'm not suggesting you be wrong or admit being wrong. Not at all. I'm also aware you're trying to figure out what happened. The autopsy so to speak. Likely so you don't make the same choices in the future. We're human after all But right or wrong is not terribly important in the scheme of things, ya know?

Yes - I had what I would call an MLC moment that lasted a few weeks about a year before my W went all in. I still remember the feelings I had, how easy it was to be angry or upset. The difference between my W and I is as simple as Yin and Yang. I seek internally for conflict resolution and my W seeks resolution through the acceptance of others. I've pondered those thoughts over the past few years and I don't believe I'm far off. I can see how I personally played a role in perpetuating my situation.

Of course you played a role. Everyone is but an actor, right? But you did NOT cause it. Her choices are her choices. You didn't make her make those choices. I think it's time you forgive yourself for your part, RT.

Any idea what you needed to figure out to bring you out of the MLC episode? What caused it?

I wake up everyday trying to keep to my changes and its made all the harder right now with these looming feelings of anger, humiliation and loneliness

Anger I get. Loneliness I get. But humiliation? What is it exactly you have to be humiliated about? I mean, we've all been through this and are in some stage of it. What is it you have to be humiliated about? Nobody is immune from it. Believe me. I've made a study of it lately and can honestly tell you, you may not have noticed it before, but this is not that uncommon in our society. Wish it was. Humility is something you may want to explore a bit more. What is the root of that? Is it the fear of loneliness? The emotions you have roiling about? ??

What motivates you to keep the changes, RT?

I want to feel what needs to be felt so I can move on since I can't completely disappear like I truly want too.

Can you say more about this? What do you mean disappear? I know what it meant to me, but I'm curious what it means to you.

I know I have to move on if I'm going to get over this and I know I'm afraid too.

Good. Then you know a fear you have to overcome, right?

MLC or not, the actions and choices are clear, are they not? It's clear that your choice is your choice and her choice is her choice. The rest is emotions and hanging on to what you want things to be like from what I see.

As for your parenting - you do realize that the more you let her influence your parenting the more it will become difficult for you to parent, right? You'll get confused and be wishy washy. Inconsistent.

You gave something to your kids that nobody else could - stability and love. Don't lose that. Nobody can take that from you. You can give it away, but nobody can take it.

All in all RT, I think you are really making progress even if it does not feel like it. Even though it hurts and you don't like it. Keep working through it. Keep stepping because there's more to figure out for you.

I can tell you that nobody is immune from this type of thing. We are all infected by "life" and being human.

Your ex paid you a compliment and I suspect it felt like it stung. But it says a lot about you and the kind of person and father you are. You should take note of that and you should realize it has little to do with you that she left or that she is angry toward you. You are the closest to her and she is able to be angry at you for as long as you let her. You'll see that in more detail later.

Oh. I know a lot of people that met somebody that was "the one". That person left or otherwise it did not work out. They later found something better. Much much better. Don't go looking of course. But you'll see later that it doesn't work like that unless you make it that way. Until you have let go of the baggage, it's not really possible to have a better relationship; so you have plenty of time and experiences before that

GLYASDI,

AJ