Mixed Signals From Walk-Away-Husband

[FierceHope]

Saturday morning I got up, and fed our cats. My husband was getting up too, but I told him I had it, and that I knew he didn't like giving our cat his shot on his left (we alternate sides). He said he didn't mind doing that, but thanked me just the same.

And, since I had already agreed to two movies this weekend, we went to catch a matinee in town (did I mention that he is a huge movie buff?), and when we returned, I called my friend again. She was out running an errand, but said she would call when she got back. So, I just started reading... My husband asked if I was going to see my friend; I said she wasn't home and so we acted like all was normal, and he would share bits of whatever he was reading or came across online. An hour later, she called back, but I didn't say her name out loud. Then, I started getting ready to head over, and I decided to "dress up" a smidge. Just jeans instead of yoga pants!

He asked where I was going! All cheerful, like he didn't have a care in the world, but he DID ask... I said I was going to go see a friend. I visited her, but I made sure to leave in time to be home to give our cat his medicine - I don't want him to think or feel like I'm abandoning the cats to him... Maybe I'm being silly about that, but I've taken him for granted in so many things, I don't want to do it regarding the cats, too...

But, while I was visiting my friend, we talked... I brought up how confused I was that he hadn't told his parents yet! At least, he didn't tell me he had. I love my in-laws, and I don't call as much as I probably should, so my friend suggested calling right then, since my husband wasn't here. I did.

I spoke to my mother-in-law first. I KNOW I wasn't able to keep some sadness out of my voice, but I just said I was doing okay when she asked. We talked a little, then she handed the phone to my father-in-law. He was his usual cheerful self. I heard my MIL in the background ask him to ask me what our plans were for Christmas!!! Confirmed: they don't know yet. I could see them avoiding talk of the future if they had an idea something was wrong, but asking outright? No... I wrapped up my call with them, speaking to MIL again, telling them both that I loved them.

When I went home, I took care of the cats and our evening and night time ritual was the same as before... Hug in bed and hold hands until we fall asleep.

But, as is usual for these past few months, I have a hard time falling asleep. I just can't figure out what to make of him!

Several weeks ago, when he was giving me MANY hugs a day, he even started hugging me on the couch, pulling me down to lay on top of him. I don't know why I couldn't take that (when I'm still tolerating him and his hugs in bed), but I told him that as much as I liked it, and how it WAS helping keep the "ball of hate" AT BAY, people who are just friends don't hug like that... It confused me. He apologized, and stopped hugging that way. A part of me is glad I said something, to help him realize WHAT he is doing, but another part MISSES it so much!

Perhaps THAT is why I haven't stopped the hugs or kicked him out of bed? If I knew he was cheating on me (emotional or physical), I would have NO problem kicking him out of our bedroom! But this? I just don't know the best way to get him to want me again, aside from trying to be less available to him...