It is said that Odysseus managed to get pass the island by having his men put wax in their ears so they couldn’t hear the mesmerizing chant while he himself was tied to the mast of his ship. The sirens were so distressed to see a man hear their song and still manage to escape that they jumped into the sea and drowned.
While this distance is meant to preserve my sanity and protect me from further pain, perhaps it can be twofold and maybe, my W too will feel similar distress at seeing me pull away in the face of her constant presence.
Ha! Love your first post in this thread Arsene, so poetic!!
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I suppose that if she does initiate a convo, I’ll need to figure out if I want to be a part of it or not. I’m quite new to this approach so I’m not quite sure.
It sounds like you're trying to go dark? That can be tough indeed when kids are involved. I tried to go dim, but it was a big flop. Turns out we're around each other way too much because of our kids and all their activities. Michele mentions in DR that there is no such thing as divorce when kids are involved and she is sooooooo right. Wish W could see that. Anyway, remember that detaching and going dim is to be done lovingly. As Michele said:
"successful DBers cherish their spouse and show a great deal of compassion. They almost always keep their pain to themselves... they "act as if" things are normal in their life."
I like that word "compassion" because it really highlights that detachment is not about being cold and distant. It's about giving space, but still showing compassion.
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If she asks me why I’m so distant, I’ll need to come up with an answer that doesn’t involve me telling her how much I’m hurt. I guess I could just evade it and tell her that I’m fine but I have stuff on my mind.
Be careful, she may perceive that as hiding emotions and "more of the same" behavior. Would it not be more truthful to say "I just think you and I could both use some time and space to think about things and decide where to go from here"? Because that is what detachment is all about. Plus your response is a little mysterious, you're laying some seeds of doubt that maybe she can't just assume you'll always wait for her.
