Separating Inevitable

[Grateful]

I haven't hugged my STBXW is 10 weeks. It is hurting me badly. It will hurt him whether he admits it or not. I would say that you should do what you feel is right. If you are not hugging him to just hurt him, I don't know if that is the best reason.

[FierceHope]

Hi Turtlegirl... I'm so sorry to hear about your rough weekend.

For the hugs, perhaps you could try what I do... (Not saying it WORKS... your mileage may vary!)

I've ALWAYS been the one to cling to my husband's hugs before, but now I make it a point to let go first! Lately, there have been times when I think he wants to pull away first, just based on little body shifts, so I have to start figuring out how to let go even earlier. He says these hugs are for me (to make me feel better - and by the same token to make him feel less guilty!), and it seems like your husband has a similar mindset.

However, I also try to enjoy the hugs while I get them... There have been unreturned hugs on both sides these past few months and I have to say they STINK!

Also, a long enough hug (stuff I've read varies, but anywhere from 6-30 seconds) can release oxytocin, dopamine and serotonin. These are "feel good" hormones and neurotransmitters. I want my husband to associate GOOD things with me, which is just one reason I allow the hugs and haven't stopped them.


Turtlegirl, I say that if HE wants to hug you (no matter the reason he gives-that whole not believing 100% of what they say!), enjoy it if you can. I understand how it can feel good AND stress you out at the same time, though.

I hope I helped you some... Have a good week, okay? One day at a time!

-FH

[AnotherStander]

BUt I asked (in non-DBing style) if as he was leaving if he could just give me some words of HOPE.

Well, asking him that as he was walking out the door was just setting yourself up for an answer you didn't want to hear! Any time you feel inclined to ask again, just remember what he said because you'll hear it or something similar again. Hopefully that'll give you incentive not to ask.

I figure if H is over often I can have more impact on him w MY interactions w him.

Remember, he needs to miss you at some point. If he feels he can come and go as he pleases, he'll never miss you. He'll take you for granted.

I guess I"d better set parameters early on so he doesn't just walk all over me.

I would do that. Things like telling him he can't just walk in anytime he wants anymore. If he comes over he needs to knock on the door. He needs to coordinate with you in advance and not just show up on the doorstep. You need to keep him from cake-eating, his inclination is going to be to push into a new R with OW while also trying to keep the old R going with you.

Well, he comes over this morning and says he doesn't think he will be coming over in am's after all--not really any purpose (after he laid out all kinds of reasons yesterday).

Fine, now hold him to it. If he changes his mind again and tells you he "decided" he's going to come over every morning, then tell him you'll have to think about it. Coming over is NOT his decision to make, it's yours. He can ask you, but not tell you.

He went to hug me as he has been when we leave each other and I pulled away first and the hug was not my usual "I really care about you hug." He chuckled and then said, "Your hugs are getting colder. That's all right. I deserve that, I guess."

I'm glad he's taking this so seriously (not). I suggest you take a break from the hugs. He's either doing it out of pity for you or because he wants to cake-eat, either way it doesn't serve you well.

I know I'm reading way too much into this, but I know our interactions are going to be much more limited now and I want to send the message that I still care, but you've hurt me and now things are going to be different until/unless you decide to move back (& leave OW).

That is EXACTLY the message you want to send. You and he are no longer together, and you are moving on with your life whether it includes him or not. That's why I suggested the above boundaries, start giving him the impression that he can't just assume you're always there for him anymore.

[FierceHope]

<sigh>

I think AnotherStander has a very good point about the hugs... Our situations are also becoming very different since my husband and I still live together and there is no other person (that I am aware of), and we don't have children...

To be honest, I am probably deluding myself about my husband's hugs... Even though he has initiated 99% of them since the day I caved. I don't want to mislead you, Turtlegirl!

Maybe instead of rejecting hugs, you could try not to be around when it comes time to for him to leave, if that is the time you usually get hugs. Be in a different room if you're not able to leave the house? Don't stand up or walk him to the door? Sit in the kitchen or somewhere else, reading a book, or being busy in general? I'm just bouncing a few ideas around. That way you can 1-work up to actually saying no to his hugs, if you wanted to. And 2-he might start to miss touching you.

If he has to WORK to give you a hug, like actually ASK for one, what do you think you will do? I know *I* would give a hug, because the rejection of one is a horrible feeling... But still pull away first! <shrug>

Let us know how things go!

-FH