New to DB and Clearly Oblivious to My "Horrible" M

[NickB]

I have been reading many posts and have read DR already but wanted to post some information on here as much of this sitch is new to me and I am still learning as I go. I am hoping I can get some clarity on my sitch and try to improve what I am doing for the best possible outcome.

Wife (40) and I (44) have been married for 12 years – together for 14. We have three children (S-4, D-3, S-1). We focused heavily on careers of the first part of our marriage and started a family later. Wife became a SAHM once we had children which changed her life dramatically.

As with many on here, if I was receiving signs the marriage was in trouble I was blind and deaf as I was surprised to learn of an EA a few months ago which started in March 2012 and when I found out, my W countered with the ILYBNILWY speech in July.

As with many on here I also did all the wrong things. Begged, cried, demonized the OM, etc. I started seeking guidance and eventually found DR which I read and started to put into action in September 2012.

Current State:

EA ended in late September as the OM’s wife is filing for divorce and has made my W’s life miserable. In short, the EA ended but not with full closure in my opinion. My W has allowed me to access email and phone records so I remain cautiously optimistic but know this will crop up a few more times if not resume into a full PA.

We remain in the same house (rented), and the kids remain oblivious. We share the same bed but show no affect—which has been dead for a while. Yes, I know – major warning signed missed much earlier on.

I have been careful not to discuss EA outside MC which we started in October. Four sessions thus far and not much progress being made. W has confided in two friends and her Sister all of whom have told her to break off the EA and start to work on the M. Many know that is both good and bad as it only offers her pressure I am not offering directly. She remains in a heavy fog.

We are on general speaking terms but I am following DR as closely as I can and never bring up R. She has mentioned D two or three times back in September but never since. She still dreams of a separation which will “solve all of her problems.” I validate her feelings and have done my best to “open the cage door” as it were.

When she does bring up R in any discussion she gets very angry – a blind rage almost which has been strange to watch. I do not react and again validate where I am able and try to be a really good listener. It is hard. Very hard.

Through MC she knows I am willing to work on the M, but outside of MC I do not bring it up so most discussions are about the kids.

I am doing 180’s I think I need to do although I lack any real feedback on where she is unhappy. I am willing to work on myself and do GAL, but I am not confident I know the right 180s yet as the anger R discussions are just usually the “I wasted my life in this bad marriage and could be so much happier if you weren’t here.” Ouch.

In order to help with the 180s, how do I learn more about what was missing from the M or what voids she was choosing to have the OM fill? I am not focusing on the OM here, but trying to learn what I need to change and improve in myself.

I have a great exercise regimen, and have found plenty of ways to GAL with and without the kids, but the 180s are my struggle right now.

Any help in decipher what you don’t know and need to know in a sitch like this?

[littleGTO]

HI, NickB,
You will soon be joined by lots of others w good advice.

Our sitch's are similar in that my H is involved in an EA w OW (for past 10 months).

Some things I 180ed on right away were things I remembered my H saying (that I didn't pay much attention to until BD). Think back at ANYTHING your W might have complained about that triggers an idea for a 180.

I like to make all the decisions in our house (controlling)- so I immediately starting sharing ALL the decisions; I started really listening to him (before I think I was better at the talking part); a big one for me--I no longer "sweat the small stuff". I stopped nagging him when he went to the gym for 2 hours at a time & left me to put all 3 kids to bed solo.

And, I read 5 Love Languages, which I recommend b/c if you are like me maybe you weren't speaking her languages!

Good luck and sounds like you have a grip on the main points of DBing.

[eyesopen]

NickB,

Sorry that you find yourself here with the rest of us. I am in a similar spot as I haven't been given any help from wife on 180's that I could do.

So basically I have been just trying to follow Sandi's 37 rules and GAL. Really trying to not add any fuel to the fire so to speak. One of the main things I think is to detach and give them the space to work out whatever is going on with them. Make ourselves the best we can be and hold on to hope.

The 5 Love Languages book is a good one, although I think it best to proceed with caution when trying to speak her love language right now. Look for times that she is receptive to her LL. I think I made the mistake of going overboard with it right away, and came off as sucking up. Not very attractive.

Good luck, we are all here for you.

[TJP]

I have been looking for these 37 rules. I'm new and don't know where to find them. Thanks

[sweetbabyred]

Sandi's 37 Rules

Hope I linked this correctly. As tough as it is to follow these, it will really help you to detach and try to live your life for you right now.

This board is a great place to be, full of people who understand what you're going through. Feel free to post, especially when you're tempted to do something you shouldn't!

[TJP]

Got it. Thank you!

[NickB]

Not getting much accomplished yet on learning more about what specific 180s to do. I am really stuck in trying to figure out how to learn without ever talking about R. When she brings up R it is mostly to vent and not very productive except I get to validate her feelings. I am staying patient but want to at least start somewhere. I am reading the 5LL and am even struggling with figure out her right language. This is partly how I got into this mess I am sure.

Lost but not depressed...

[AnotherStander]

We are on general speaking terms but I am following DR as closely as I can and never bring up R. She has mentioned D two or three times back in September but never since. She still dreams of a separation which will “solve all of her problems.” I validate her feelings and have done my best to “open the cage door” as it were.

OK good. Sounds like you're familiar with DB'ing and sticking with it pretty well. Just know that it takes a lot of time, don't expect any changes from your W in days or weeks. You're looking months down the road before seeing any positive signs.

When she does bring up R in any discussion she gets very angry – a blind rage almost which has been strange to watch. I do not react and again validate where I am able and try to be a really good listener. It is hard. Very hard.

Good reaction from you. Would you say these rages are out of character for her?

“I wasted my life in this bad marriage and could be so much happier if you weren’t here.”

The reason I asked the above is some of these things make it sound like she's in MLC. If you've noticed a radical shift in her behavior then study up in the MLC forum and see if it rings true. There's not a big difference in approach towards MLCer versus WAS, but there's a huge difference in recovery time and the misery you'll be put through.

[NickB]

Would you say these rages are out of character for her?

Yes. Very. Almost like sitting with a total stranger in the room.

If you've noticed a radical shift in her behavior then study up in the MLC forum and see if it rings true.

I have been reading that board as well but have such a hard time telling the difference between the two. She meets some "criteria" in each case, but nothing is a perfect match. At least DB'ing right now is blind to either case, but I wish I know more of which case I was working with.

I am hope it will reveal itself in time.

Thank you for taking time to comment on this posting.

[NickB]

Think back at ANYTHING your W might have complained about that triggers an idea for a 180.

Thanks Turtlegirl. I am working hard n listening carefully and I have to tell you I may be totally hiding it from myself, but I am missing any real clues from our history. We have young children and focus heavily on them instead of ourselves, but nothing she has mentioned or complained about. I know this can be a contributing factor but I am lost at anything obvious at the moment.

I probably sound like the blind and deaf H right now, but I remain clueless.

Thank you for taking time to help me!