He's Just Not That Into You

[mamabird]

There are wounds that some people can't heal from, it just sounds like he can't admit that and hurting people hurt other people.

Spend some time just reflecting on what you want and who you want to be. Do you stay because you think you deserve the punishment?

For the record, I am definitely considering D as one of my options. It isn't my first choice but it has to be in the consideration set because I think it's more likely than not that I will have to go there.

The reason I stay is NOT because I think I deserve the punishment. I have forgiven myself entirely, and I am completely aware of environmental factors that drove me to make the destructive choices that I did. I also know that if the environment doesn't change, I'll be tempted to do it again.

The reason I stay is because I want to give us a real chance to fix the situation. We haven't been to proper MC, we've been dicking around and not dealing with any of it. Any MC we've gone to has focused on my transgressions and nothing of his shortcomings in the R. Now that I have the perspective and the distance, I can honestly say "Here are the things that I think we need to fix in order to have a healthy M."

My IC told me that D needs to be intentional, not reactionary. My H wants to make it reactionary and I'm only trying to block that part of it. I'm not necessarily opposed to D if it's the right thing.

Breakdown - thanks for the quote. I saw that floating around and it's very good advice. I am hoping that our MC will hold my H accountable for some of the issues that we are facing.

Wendy - you bet I am sleeping in that bed!

As far as OW is concerned, H continues to insist that they are just friends and nothing more. I say, "It takes one to know one." I have decided to drop it for now because it's not really the issue. Plus I already said on here that I have compassion for him if he's really as attached to her as it seems.

A little update from this morning - H's ankle still hurts him but I've done nothing more than show him cursory concern at this point. While I was straightening up the bedroom I found an email he had printed out from his trainer back in Sept with a menu on it (Wendy you are going to like this one) - and his response to her was that he'd do the shopping and get going on that right away, which of course he didn't. The reason I mention it here though is that he also told the trainer in this email that she needed to make sure there was "no more griping about his (STBX) wife."

I called him out on it - not angrily, I just read it out loud and said, "Nice sentiment, that's really great." Of course, he didn't respond whatsoever. I just asked him again to get an appointment with the MC this week.

I then let him know - again, not angrily - that Nosy Neighbor had been gossiping about us, and told him that it had all come back to me via our next door neighbor. I told him he needed to be careful about what he tells her. Again, no response.

What I could use in this R is a lot more humility from him. He has no idea how to be accountable or to apologize genuinely and that's a real issue for me. Another deal breaker in fact. I can live with the messiness, the forgetfulness, the laziness, the ADD behavior and not knowing what is going on even if I tell him 4 times, but I CANNOT and WILL NOT be in a M where I am not respected and valued. Honored and cherished would be nice too.