Kicking a$$ and taking names!

[reachingHigher]

Tvs, thanks! It sounds like you are back to your same happy self! I like that!

I am feeling more grounded today than for a long time. Not like there's not a terrible ache deep inside but I'm trying to ignore it!

After our family weekend, last night I was laying in bed around 10 pm and it seemed ever so dark. So quiet. I had H around all weekend and the house seemed so empty without him.

So, I texted, "u asleep?" I know, not s'posed to do that, right? But it had a happy ending. He texted a few times and then called even though I told him not to. He had gotten home around 8 pm, had 2 mixed drinks, then called a friend of ours that we used to work with in Florida, who is now here and is renting a mile away from H.

This friend was a super nice guy, but fired from our federal job for drug use and is now working with H for a contractor. He has four daughters and is D and POOR!

So H was at this guy's place drinking. H doesn't usually call me when drunk but he was slurring his words and having a hard time following the short convo with me.

It was such a moment of clarity for me. H can be family man all weekend but here he is drunk on a Sunday night.

THIS IS WHO HE IS RIGHT NOW!!!

I have to accept that.

Also, I dropped by L's office first thing this morning and managed a ten minute meeting. L said I am exactly on target with H. He said "just looking at him, you can tell he is totally flipped out.".

He asked if he had always looked that way. (hair, designer clothes, expensive sports car, working out) I said no, he hadn't.

L assured me that I couldn't do better in court than the agreement we came to. He also said that he doubted I could get more than half his take home salary, and only once in this L's career (all in this county) had he seen 5 years of alimony. That's the biggie.

So.,.I'm feeling relieved, somewhat. L said he expected that I will do very well in any job I pursue, and that H was walking away from so much. Shaking his head sadly.

He thinks we can be done by December 10 or so if we don't mind it just before Christmas.

H is so sorry for himself with the $. I showed him my budget yesterday. He basically is giving me 30% of his gross salary which I have to pay taxes, health insurance and all of our living expenses for three of us. Next year including private school.

He takes 70% and is sorry for himself that he will hafta file "single" while I get "head of household". And he can tell all his friends I took him "to the cleaners". Good for him.

Trying not to be bitter. I'm certainly NOT angry. But it's the bitter part I don't want to control my life. Trying to let go, detach, breathe deeply, and move ahead.