W filed, I think we can make it work - what to do?

[AnotherStander]

I had all the symptoms of growing up without a dad...

First, just forget all this ancient history of how you guys were brought up. Let me assure you, EVERYONE had issues in childhood. Counseling that spends endless time dredging up old junk like this is just a waste of time. DBing is solutions-based, this means focusing on the future, not the past.

Our parenting strategies work very well together and it’s a strength of our marriage.

Great parents often make poor spouses. My W and I are a great example. We spent all our time focusing on the kids and no time for our R. Now we've got 3 awesome kids living with the fallout of a broken M.

I was driving by a Starbucks she doesn’t go to and there she was walking outside with a guy. Obviously I was enraged.

"Obviously"? Why would that be obvious? My response would have been to wave to W and say hello, then ask her later who it was she was with and give her a chance to explain. Is your relationship such that she can't even talk to or be seen with men because you'll fly into an uncontrollable rage? If so, do you think this is normal?

So last week I read her 2 lists, 1 with the things I felt like I had done wrong and was responsible for in the marriage. The 2nd list is things that I admire about her.

OK, well that's fine but I'd just leave that be now. She knows what you plan on working on, no need to keep beating her over the head with lists. Now what you have to do is show her through actions that you're serious, and you must have patience because it's going to take a lot of time. We're not talking days or weeks, we're talking many months.

I’ve never really provided her much feedback and according to her I’ve beaten her down over the years instead of built her up. I feel some is me and some is the way she reacts to situations is just very different than how I do.

So on the one hand you say you've made this list of your faults and are serious about repairing those faults, but on the other hand you want to lay the blame for most of the faults on your W and just take responsibility for "some" of it. DB'ing is focusing on YOU and YOUR problems. NOT assigning percentages of blame.

I don’t think she’s ever really tried and she has admitted as much during other conversations because she doesn’t want to get hurt or end up in her parent’s marriage.

There's the blaming again. Every time you assign her blame you're trying to control the situation. Your heavy-handed control is what landed you here to begin with. Your controlling nature is why she was afraid to tell you about her unhappiness and afraid to tell you she was having coffee with a male friend. Changing your controlling nature should be your priority 180. And listen up, when you tell her "I've changed, I want another chance, let's go to counseling" you know what she hears? "I haven't changed, I'm still controlling and manipulating, you want to leave and I don't want you to so I'm going to tell you I'm changing to stop you."

so she thinks this is just a ploy by me to get control again.

Yeah, and is she right? Ask yourself. Really, really think about that. I was somewhat controlling too, and I know how hard it is for a controller to discover that they are a controller.

I said I wish I could change the past but I can’t, I can only work on today and the future.

Yes, good. Make this your mantra!

and I’m scared if she goes through divorce she will get really run down.

Her problem, not yours.

I think she’s in a MLC because she keeps saying she doesn’t want her parents marriage, she wants freedom, and doesn’t want to be married/ tied down to anyone.

Sounds more like WAS.

What should I do? We’re still living together and neither of us plans to move before the divorce is final (at least 160 days away).

Count yourself lucky. You've got a lot of time. Show her 180's. Work on yourself. Make yourself stronger, more confident, more attractive, a H only a fool would leave.

I’m praying all the time and I feel strength from God but still have a lot of emotionally bad days.

I've believed in God and Christ since I was very, very young and have walked with them for all these decades. Since you're relatively newly converted, let me share my views with you. Too many people use God as a crutch, they convert and then they pray for all their problems to go away and they expect instant relief. But God doesn't work that way. "Problems" are there for a reason, you can't wish them away. God expects to see you work through your trials and grow. He doesn't put you through suffering for no reason. And he doesn't do it so he can test you, he already knows you through and through. He does it to teach YOU something about YOURSELF. In your current trial, he's going to teach you STRENGTH and PATIENCE. Remember, you are on his timeline, he's not on yours. Pray for understanding of his will, don't pray and tell him what to do. Pray for strength and patience, not for this to go away overnight.

She wants nothing to do with me and every time I try to talk or ask her about anything she gets mad.

Then pull back. Detach. Give her space. Focus on you.

I didn’t mention I’m an engineer and my normal function is to fix things (which also pisses her off).

Women don't want fixing, they want validation.