Its true, I can't force her to be a mom, but at the same time, if she only wants to see them every other weekends (for her own personal glory). Then I may as well seek full custody with visitation rights for her?
If her priority isn't about the kids, then I need to make sure they have a loving Dad who isn't going to jump into another relationship because our kids are young 8, 5, and 1. I already determined, I won't be in another relationship because trying to squeeze in a new relationship with 3 young boys and work, is almost impossible for me.
I am just so mad about her abandoning the kids or doing what she feels is fair for herself. I understand weekends are important to do the "Fun" stuff, but I also know M-F, i can do "Fun" stuff. During summer vacation, i can take them out M-F with no issues.
If her job was more flexible, we would have more options.
This is her latest response about weekend responsbilities. If she can't get one weekend off (keep in mind, she has M-F with no kids), she will leave them behind.....I mean seriously. What kind of response was that? Ya ya, I know addition to the OM.....
I also can't stop her parents from pissing her off even more. Her dad is basicaly disowning her (he refuses to talk to her). The mom is basically arguing with her all the time about "using your brain" and to stop lying about the OM (W never mentions his name)
Just venting.I am continue doing my 180's, DB and GAL and being the best dad possible.
Not sure if I had a major breakthrough....but yesterday I blew up because W was accusing me of telling stuff to her parents. Which I didn't do. A lot of things were said. Too much to summarize. I wasn't sure she heard anything. But then her mom came down and intervened. I left.
Got a message to go talk to her. She apologized, said she was sorry.
All i know is, i did damage on our relationship. Talked about my mistakes. Told her i know she is worried about me, not changing. Told her, i understand the addiction to the affair is hard to let go. I understand her.
We both agreed that seperating is still good for both of us. I don't know how to explain it but it's been a long time i felt my W being there.
I continue to do DB and Gal but at least now i know i have a chance to save this. If we save it, i am going to be the best husband, dad ever for this family.
I no longer feel like I am lost. Its a new beginning for us, i hope she continues to feel i can change and not visit the other side. If she does visit the other side and doesn't find happiness, i will wait.
I been listening to "I won't give up"
I have to thank everybody for their support and most of all to my inlaws, who was there for me through this ordeal. I hope I can make them proud.
I know she will have Ups and downs. We all do and i am going to be there to pick her back up.
I no longer feel like I am lost. Its a new beginning for us, i hope she continues to feel i can change and not visit the other side. If she does visit the other side and doesn't find happiness, i will wait.
A new beginning, yes. The old marriage is dead and gone. There's no going back.
If she does find "happiness" on the other side, chances are great that it won't last. Something to keep in mind when you cut her loose.
Quote:
I have to thank everybody for their support and most of all to my inlaws, who was there for me through this ordeal. I hope I can make them proud.
Thank them kindly for being there for you, and then ask them kindly to not approach her regarding your relationship anymore. Additional pressure from them pushing her to "do the right thing" will not help you in the long run. Remember how she felt that you turned her own parents against her? Sure, it's just her perception, but you (and they) can put an end to that. Bust On!
Originally Posted By: jack3beans
Now comes the hard part. STOP involving them with any of this between you and her.
Seriously man, do not involve them, this will bite you in the asss in the long run.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Exposure is NOT recommended here. It's an act of war. Your wife's affair is an act of war, your response is a retaliatory act of war. For some spouses, that can be 'unforgiveable' which is a death sentence to the old relationship. That means you have to begin anew. New relationship. THAT is not a death sentence it's a re-birth sentence, but it isn't easy.
It heals if it's gonna heal, with REAL GIVING. REAL GIVING is doing what your partner needs/wants even if it's unnatural for you. For example...if when your relationship is at a stress point, and you are in an argument, and your spouse needs closeness, you connect even when you need to disconnect, and vice versa.
What were your wife's complaints before the affair? What was good before the affair? You have knowledge as to what makes her happy? What is that? You also left a happiness gap--related to SOMETHING? Do you know what that is?
Do you knwo what your spouse wants :
During happy times During an argument In her grief?
What are YOUR needs?
How do they relate/conflict
What can you do to support her and meet your own needs when she can't?
Exposure is NOT recommended here. It's an act of war. Your wife's affair is an act of war, your response is a retaliatory act of war. For some spouses, that can be 'unforgiveable' which is a death sentence to the old relationship. That means you have to begin anew. New relationship. THAT is not a death sentence it's a re-birth sentence, but it isn't easy.
It heals if it's gonna heal, with REAL GIVING. REAL GIVING is doing what your partner needs/wants even if it's unnatural for you. For example...if when your relationship is at a stress point, and you are in an argument, and your spouse needs closeness, you connect even when you need to disconnect, and vice versa.
What were your wife's complaints before the affair? What was good before the affair? You have knowledge as to what makes her happy? What is that? You also left a happiness gap--related to SOMETHING? Do you know what that is?
Do you knwo what your spouse wants :
During happy times During an argument In her grief?
What are YOUR needs?
How do they relate/conflict
What can you do to support her and meet your own needs when she can't?
Hi DBmod
I know what it takes to make her happy, what to do for arguements.
My needs is to have undivided attention at least a few hours a week. Physical touching (hugging, kissing). Something she has been avoiding for the last year. I can get real deep in this but i wanted to focus on what you said
"REAL GIVING is doing what your partner needs/wants even if it's unnatural for you"
Here is the dilemma, My W is still moving out (the apartment is 5 minutes away). She needs her time and space, I respect that. I don't want to stop her, even when I know seperation isn't the greatest option. We talked about the custody of the kids during our seperation. Right now, I can have the most flexible schedule for the kids to provide stablitiy for them. So we both agreed to do M-F (with me), Friday night, she picks them up and stay until Sunday.
The catch is, she wants to come over M-F anytime she wants and she still wants to explore dating with the Other man....So do I let her do this?
She tells me by sticking to a strict schedule, it will push her farther away from me. But if i do what she asks, won't that confuse the kids even more and then basically tell her, i accept her having an affair with the OM?
Things have gotten better, she doesn't hate me anymore, she can talk to me but she is still confused about "Love". Her old ex-BF (which never had closure) is still haunting her. She actually told me the other day, she feels better about me, but not enough to really re-kindle (which i understand)
So with your statement are you saying, just allow her to get her cake and eat it? While I suffer through the ordeal?
I am trying to detatch but its going to be super hard, if I constantly see her all week.
You have to set some boundaries or she will walk all over you and lose respect for you. Will you accept an affair on the bases she may not seek D? This is up to you. Personally, I would tell my wife that dating other men while married to me will not be tolerated. If she has an affair and refused to end it, I would then cut off all the benefits I could of being my wife. I would not allow her to come and go in our house as she pleases. Set up a schedule or call first. She chose to leave you and move into her own place, remember? I would not seek a D though… Just sit back and see what happens for a while.
It’s funny how often the grass isn’t always greener on the other side after all.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
You have to set some boundaries or she will walk all over you and lose respect for you. Will you accept an affair on the bases she may not seek D? This is up to you. Personally, I would tell my wife that dating other men while married to me will not be tolerated. If she has an affair and refused to end it, I would then cut off all the benefits I could of being my wife. I would not allow her to come and go in our house as she pleases. Set up a schedule or call first. She chose to leave you and move into her own place, remember? I would not seek a D though… Just sit back and see what happens for a while.
It’s funny how often the grass isn’t always greener on the other side after all.
Thats what i figured, set some boundries. I told her she has a month to think about it as she is moving out in a month (she has to find an apartment). I won't budge from my stance. Financilly, i setup my own accounts and have my money going into it now.
In our last discussion i made some good points. I said, look at what you are willing to sacrifice (kids lives, our marriage, relationships with her Dad/Mom, financial security, etc) for this guy but yet this guy won't even consider moving up to be with his "true love". He loses nothing and you lose everything. Told her, that is the most lopsided love i seen. If i was in that guys place and I knew i was going to ruin so many lives to be with a women, i better damn well make sure i take care of this women. That made her think really hard if the grass is greener on the other side. I know i made mistakes, but I am already changing for the better for myself.
I need to be careful how i approach the custody of the kids its like a chess game because even though the DB/DR techniques are good, people's behavior are slightly different. I have to know if the things i am doing are going to hurt or make things better.
For example, she told me she wants more attention, which kind of goes against some of things people are saying. Lately i been paying alot more attention and i notice her attitude is changing for the better. But I been told, its best to not initate contact or show her how intersted you are, but its the totally reverse.
In the Custody issue, she tells me if i cut the kids off, it will push her away. I am deciding if that is because she wants her cake and eat it or she is giving me an honest answer on how I can make it better between us. If she was cold and mean, it would be an easy decision but right now, she is showing me kindness (just not the loving kindness i want). The kindness is consistant. If it was consistant, i would say she is playing more games...
I hope in a month and half, my DB/180's will pay off to maybe have her change her mind about moving out or make it short term.
I keep trying to detach but it has gotten so much harder when she communicates with me as friends. I try so hard to not breakdown and just grab her and hold on tight.
Even though I have hope without expectations, I can't help fear the unknown once she moves out. She seems so much stronger, maybe its because of the OM?
I know, today its one of those days where I feel really lost. Maybe its because I have been spending more time with her but I also know she will be moving out.
I Haven't had any crazy emotion outburst or negative words with W. But i can't help think, this is a messed up punishment for me and the kids.
when i see the kids, they are so happy. Then i think about when my W is moving out. The questions i will answer, the fear of failure to be the best dad for them.
So many questions, no real answers.
All i know is, i need to set my boundaries when she leaves. As much as i would love her to be around more but i need to protect the kids (stability) and allow myself to keep moving.
Its so hard to take a breath, feel like i am drowning. I know tomorrow i will feel better.
Yes, it's hard. If it's any consolation, we've all felt like this at times and then been ok other times. Just breathe and know that you are not alone and that things will get better. (((())))
