Sorry to hear about the new development. I think legal advice is your next step MKB.
Freshman Class of 2012
M-49 W-42 1D-10 T 10 YEARS M 9 YEARS EA/MLC 07/2010 Separation 28/05/2012 PA confirmed 31/07/12 W Asked for D 31/07/12 D on and off the table since then
MKB, I just caught up, so my response is going to be a little distant from the original post, sorry.
Regarding your H picking up your kids, I think for now, for your and your kids' peace of mind, just assume that he is NOT going to pick them up and plan a GAL for you and your kids. They do not need to be sitting there waiting for him to show, only to be disappointed when he doesn't. You can do the same thing for them that you need to do for yourself - GAL. It will help them not miss him as much too, just like it can do for you. They need to begin this process, too, and you need to walk them through it by example.
As for his visitation, you can simply tell them that 95% of the time, if their father wants to come and get them, you will be completely accommodating. But you don't need to sit at the house and wait for him; he can come to meet you wherever you are. The rare exception would be if you have plans that can't change (ie. movie tickets already purchased, other people involved in plans) or simply really don't want to change (ie. something you're really invested in or something special you've been planning.) That way, you're not interfering with his visitation but making it as healthy as possible for all of you.
Sadly, even with a custody schedule drawn up by the courts, he still won't necessarily follow it.
I know that. I actually found out this morning that he has moved XW1 in and that is why he is not pursuing any sort of visitation and not showing up. I am contacting attorneys as we speak and contacting our companies for our bills and having my accounts split. Needless to say we had a scene. It is her doing. Really, I have been saying that I noticed something very different that he has been confrontational for a week and obviously it makes sense now. I had told him before I felt it was vindictiveness on her part to keep interfering with the weekend schedule. I reiterated that and he got mad of course. She was standing there in the doorway. I do have to say- he sure didn't trade up. Likely he needed someone he could feel superior over and be certain she would not be a threat to him as far as his self esteem. Regardless- I told him again, she is interfering, why can't you even acknowledge this? He kept telling me I was saying vile, venomous things. Finally, I got exasperated. Just because you think it is vile or whatever doesn't make it untrue. I think of it as the gloves just being off. She can have him. I will protect myself and my kids though. I have always tried to be nice and get along for the most part. I think of things as a compromise always. You be nice to me, I'll be nice to you. I am done DB'ing. Sort of. I know that I am going to LRT just because I am afraid of what I might do. I am going to block him out as much as possible and he will feel the consequences of his actions. No more concessions from me. I really would be willing to be nicer if he made any sort of real effort with our kids. Since he hasn't I am not going to. I cannot hurt a relationship or anything when he isn't having one. Thanks for your support here. It does mean a lot. I still am shocked at the hold she seems to have over him. I would love to say I don't care. A part of me really doesn't. It is time for me to let it go though.
MKB, yours is definitely one of the worst scenarios. You've only had 6 weeks at this and OW is moving in. Your children are still young and greatly affected. You're not financially independent. You have to deal with the physical and emotional side of this all in a very short timeframe. This will not be easy. You're going to waffle and fall and do things wrong. That's okay. Really. Just get up again, face yourself in the right direction and put one foot in front of the other.
Focus on what's best for you and your kids for now. Getting bent out of shape over OW is wasted energy and you'll need everything you've got focused on you right now. Put the rest off until later. Because then you won't bother because you won't care.
Not to sound stupid but I am having a terrible time getting in with an attorney. Does anyone know if I HAVE to allow visitation if there is no agreement? Basically, after last night with the calling and texting the kids want NO part of seeing him. I really look for him to do something stupid and try to force the issue. Really, as i said he is vindictive. I am sure he will contact childrens services and that sort of thing. Or does anyone know of a website I can view basic rights on?
MKB, what a mess, but he can't come barging in like a maniac to see the kids. You have time to see the attorney first. Just make sure the appt is this week. I like ehow.com to do research but what you really need is a good lawyer. Good luck, MKB...
So I guess it has been a pretty stressful day all things considered. I did go to IC and get something for anxiety and wellbutrin. Here's hoping it helps. It would have to improve the anxiety. I literally only slept for 45 mins last night. So tomorrow I am searching for a J-O-B. Have an appointment with an attorney next week. I'm still not sure what I am supposed to do in the meantime. Although, I'm thinking visitation likely won't happen anyway as none of them actually want to see him. I'm not sure how long that will last or if it will even be an issue. It was obvious today that she doesn't want them around and frankly that he is okay with that. So destructive. I have no idea how to handle this. One of D10 does want to see him. The others are simply furious. Hurt. S14 has me very worried. He would like to actually do physical damage to her. So my plans are to go completely dark and basically focus on my kids and myself. We will be doing our things like library and ball games and family fun night with board games! lol I'm hoping I can find something with a relatively quick pay day. Sounds crazy. I never thought in 10 million years I would be put in this position. Today was so completely traumatic. Not that it matters. We will survive and thrive. I know this. It really doesn't make it feel any better. I tried to put it in context that Daddy is just confused and doesn't know what he wants right now. It's not them. All of that but really it isn't working. They see it for what it is. I guess all I can do is try to support them as they work through their emotions. In some ways, it has always been just us. From 2002 - 2006 it was me here by myself and he was only here on weekends anyway as he traveled for work. Then of course he left with OW. Combine that with once he got back he was often preoccupied and emotionally unavailable. Dr. Phil would call it sitting on the sidelines. Not in the game. Essentially, that is what it was though. So unfortunately, maybe that will serve them well through this. I'm so worried for them. Then to top everything off is the fear of basic survival. At this point, I want nothing to do with him, and I don't want to give him any room to damage them more. I simply don't think he needs to be around them at this point. I am afraid it will be seen as being vindictive. It was just so bad today. S14 was saying he was going to punch her and "get even" All of them went to IC too. She is also concerned. She will seeing them again tomorrow. Anyone here have any insight? I have no idea what is right or wrong at this point. I just feel like circling the wagons and closing ranks. If that makes sense? Block everything else out.
I don't know what your skill sets are so don't be offended, but the quickest pay comes from waiting tables cash flow every day. Breakfasts pay the best and you're home in time for the kids and dinner.
Try not to let anger guide your actions. Karma will handle others.
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
Yes, don't let anger or fear run the show. Karma comes full circle whether we like it or not.
What's going in with your sich is horrible. I feel for you and your kids. A good lawyer is a must. Rights vary by state. As far as your H possibly contacting COS, let him and hide nothing. Fear nothing as COS can do a simple open / close case. If H was to try and force visitation, you can contact the sheriff / local police if you have an actual fear for your children's safety. I'm not a lawyer, I know of several on here, so maybe they can chime in.
Thoughts and prayers coming your way MLB. (((( ))))
Hang in there. You're going through a tough time and that's when you need all your wits and strength. As it's been said, don't let your anger and fear run the show. Take time for yourself to gather your thoughts and make sure you do things out of love, not out of anger or fear. Your kids need you right now and they also need to see someone level-headed. They'll follow your lead. Right now they want to get even because they see you hurt. Show them you can all get back up from this one with your dignity intact.
My thoughts are with you.
Freshman Class of 2012
M-49 W-42 1D-10 T 10 YEARS M 9 YEARS EA/MLC 07/2010 Separation 28/05/2012 PA confirmed 31/07/12 W Asked for D 31/07/12 D on and off the table since then
