Exposure is NOT recommended here. It's an act of war. Your wife's affair is an act of war, your response is a retaliatory act of war. For some spouses, that can be 'unforgiveable' which is a death sentence to the old relationship. That means you have to begin anew. New relationship. THAT is not a death sentence it's a re-birth sentence, but it isn't easy.
It heals if it's gonna heal, with REAL GIVING. REAL GIVING is doing what your partner needs/wants even if it's unnatural for you. For example...if when your relationship is at a stress point, and you are in an argument, and your spouse needs closeness, you connect even when you need to disconnect, and vice versa.
What were your wife's complaints before the affair? What was good before the affair? You have knowledge as to what makes her happy? What is that? You also left a happiness gap--related to SOMETHING? Do you know what that is?
Do you knwo what your spouse wants :
During happy times During an argument In her grief?
What are YOUR needs?
How do they relate/conflict
What can you do to support her and meet your own needs when she can't?
Hi DBmod
I know what it takes to make her happy, what to do for arguements.
My needs is to have undivided attention at least a few hours a week. Physical touching (hugging, kissing). Something she has been avoiding for the last year. I can get real deep in this but i wanted to focus on what you said
"REAL GIVING is doing what your partner needs/wants even if it's unnatural for you"
Here is the dilemma, My W is still moving out (the apartment is 5 minutes away). She needs her time and space, I respect that. I don't want to stop her, even when I know seperation isn't the greatest option. We talked about the custody of the kids during our seperation. Right now, I can have the most flexible schedule for the kids to provide stablitiy for them. So we both agreed to do M-F (with me), Friday night, she picks them up and stay until Sunday.
The catch is, she wants to come over M-F anytime she wants and she still wants to explore dating with the Other man....So do I let her do this?
She tells me by sticking to a strict schedule, it will push her farther away from me. But if i do what she asks, won't that confuse the kids even more and then basically tell her, i accept her having an affair with the OM?
Things have gotten better, she doesn't hate me anymore, she can talk to me but she is still confused about "Love". Her old ex-BF (which never had closure) is still haunting her. She actually told me the other day, she feels better about me, but not enough to really re-kindle (which i understand)
So with your statement are you saying, just allow her to get her cake and eat it? While I suffer through the ordeal?
I am trying to detatch but its going to be super hard, if I constantly see her all week.
