Lost and confused

[Soul.Searching]

SO H turned up here about 4:00 PM I actually wasn't really expecting him because I'm not relying on him to actually do anything he says and I also I thought he would have arrived later.

He looked a bit surprised to see me, I did have a tiny bit of make-up on so that might be why.

He just stayed around for a bit and then asked if he could have a shower, It was hot so i said yes. I went to the bathroom to get a hand towel for D9 and there he was,.. on the toilet with the door open. Ummmm,... really? He did apologise.

Besides from the toilet thing he was very well mannered and patient, That's something I haven't see for a while.
He did seem down and very tired. He ended up falling asleep on the lounge, so i left him for half an hour and then woke him up.

He asked about my new phone cover and i said i brought it on Ebay. He asked if i changed the ebay account to my bank account details. He seemed very surprised when i told him that i left that for him and set up a new one for me.

Something very strange happened though and i just find it bizarre. H asked how much i spent on our (His) Nephews birthday presents so i told him and then he said he will have to give me some money towards them,.. I said "No, you don't need to give me money towards them." He didn't sound angry but his face looked angry and upset and he said "Well i will have to get them something else then."
WTF?! He left me, he moved out, There has been no talk of reconciliation. I thought that would be obvious that he would get them something himself. It's just weird, Like he presumed i would still buy gifts for people and he would give me money and they would be from us,.. How does that work?

Anyway we all went out to Pizza. He asked if we could take my car and i agreed, Usually i would have handed him the keys and he would have drove but i didn't, I drove.

The kids had a great time and H was a little bit like the old him. He was quieter and didn't seem very happy but he was very nice with no anger which was nice.

Something happened and i cracked up, It had nothing to do with H but it was funny s**t. I was laughing almost hysterically and i looked over at H and he seemed to have sadness and regret in his eyes.

Before he left he was saying how much he missed the kids last weekend, he was close to tears. I felt so sorry for him. It must be hard going so long in between seeing them when he is away for work.

When he was leaving, he gave me a long cuddle while rubbing my back. He kept thanking me for letting him take the kids out. The strange thing is, while i did enjoy that cuddle and it gave me a feeling I haven't felt in years,.. kinda close to butterflies, Once he left, I didn't feel sad.

I had no expectations and it didn't get my hope up at all. I know now that just because we had a good afternoon together does not mean anything. It was nice though.

Honestly, tonight I feel that everything will be okay, even if we never get back together. He did ask me if the neighbours know. That was a bit strange,.. he seemed very upset when I said they do. He just put his head down and stared at the ground.

Life goes on,....