Sandi2, good to hear from u again and yes, DB Coach. Thanks again for the advice on my previous thread. I think standing my ground has helped. Separation now looms and W is a lot more at ease.
Am still struggling with this being a friend with W as it just doesn't feel right. She is my W not just a friend and I don't want to be categorised as just a friend. How do I get W to see that without her spewing again!
You dont.... W has to see it on her own, in her own time... Better to have her categorize you as a friend who she can keep contact with than to have her categorize you as an enemy who wont give her the space she feels she needs right now..
I am having the same issue in my sitch where W and I are like room mates all the time now. I would much rather be her room mate than some one whom she views as detrimental to her mission..
Thats how I get by anyhow...
You seem to be doing a great job so far, try not to backslide when the move time comes. Its VERY important that she feels like you are "supporting her decision" even though you dont agree with it. This is going to allow for MUCH more communication with her.
Be the BEST option she has for a long enough period of time and she will get it..
Me - 30 W - 28 M 4 t 6 ILYBINILWY #1 Jan - 2011 Band-aid Jan 11' ILYBINILWY #2 7/28/12
Thanks JAG, and yes I need to be careful re the move.
W asked about xmas day today and what shld we do. We usually have my parents over xmas eve, spend xmas do just me, W n kids, boxing day MIL.
I asked W had she thought about what she wanted. She said not. I said it wld be nice if we could still spend the day together with the kids. W avoided the comment and she then said it will be weird on boxing day at MIL. I said I didn't think I wld be there this year. She asked why and I said I didn't think MIL wld invite me anyhow. Why wld W still think I wld go to MIL still? Is it me..shld I be expeced to go? I made a joke that the one good thing about all this is I get out of the boxing day meal at MIL. She laughed and said she wishes she had an excuse.
She then confirmed that eldest S(my stepson) will be staying here more than Ws place when home from college. She said he was torn because he felt like he shld be with W. But that his home life, friends etc are here. She looked v down about it.
How r u LBSs planning xmas period? Should I just invite her n kids here? Esp seeing kids r looking more and more likely to be here anyway!
Yes, roommates and good friends over here too. Not what I want for long term of course, but like Michele says, it's ok to have your marriage in a holding pattern while you're working on it.
Our holiday plans are the same as every year... visit everyone like normal. None of our families even know about our sitch, which is how it should be.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
FY, u r lucky that noone knows abour ur sitch. I was late discovering DB so unfortunately parents already knew. Also, the 12 mths of W feeling confused. Well looking back I was doing all the wrong things and probably backed her into a corner by the time true BD date came. If I'd have been on DB when she was confused I am pretty sure S wld not have happened.
But I can't dwell on the past. Sounds like ur holiday period will be pretty normal apart from the big black could that is your M!
Ruby - sorry u r in this sitch as well. I will take time t look at yours later.
General update as I felt I handled a sitch badly with W today. I got in from work (upbeat). She did not tell me about her day and I did not ask (shld have asked - I think it wld have been safe to do so).
I said I will sort S out for bed etc. She said she was going to do it but I insisted (it is one of my 180s). She then asked if she minded if she went to her place to do some more work. I said fine. She then hung around upstairs with me and S and after a few minutes said she felt like a spare part. I said I thought you wanted to to your place. She said I know but I still feel like a spare part. I said I wld rather her go earlier to her place then she is not as late back. That me and S are fine. She said yes it wld be nice to get to be earlier, hung around for a minute or so and then went.
Okay - I replay it back and think if I had gotten her involved with something we cld have spent some family time together. But I have done S bedtime for ages now and we have a good routine going. Prob over thinking it but I think I missed an opp! On the positive side W def must have noticed the 180, and it showed that me n son r fine on our own.
I think it was fine that your W felt like a spare part on Tues especially if it's one of your 180s. It's good for her to see that you and S12 are fine without her.
It seems to me that you might be better off not voicing a preference for her coming home earlier or later, or suggesting that she take a break from working on her place. It still makes you sound quite involved (which obviously you are) but I would try to show more cheerful detachment.
By the way, I wonder whether your S12 is in any ways similar to my S12 in terms of functioning.
Keep DBing!
Me: 51 H: 52 T: 23 yrs M: 19 yrs S18, D16, S14 (special needs) PA: 2003/2004 Piecing: 2004 on Suspect H had EA: 8/2012-12/2012
