need immediate advice

[25yearsmlc]

I hear you chatterbug...that's where I'm leaning now. It's so scary taking that leap, but I've been looking at finances, and I think I can swing my house with the kids, if I get some support from H..that's why I want to check out my legal options before I even confront him.

YOU Will get support from him by law. If he is bankrupt, Child support is still to be paid, it's not dischargable in banksruptcy. BUT if he's earning too little, he can effectively pay very little. So only a divorce would force the sale of assets (bet he'd love to hear about how divorce would mean selling the house, b/c if there's no other money, that's that).

And I think having his parents there on his own sounds like something OW will NOT be interested at all in doing...NOR will he enjoy that much.

are you sure you and the kids MUST be the ones to leave? I'm just asking...

and while I RARELY say this, if ever, given the givens, I'd say you need to walk for now AND work on yourself.

There are a ton of stressors and some of this MIGHT be different to me if I were convinced that I'd let myself go, rejected intimacy a lot,

and if this were a brief fling, versus a long term deceit filled "Affair"...

If I got this right, it's more of an ongoing affair, and it's NOT the first time...so chances are it's a pattern for him.

The only leverage you have that MIGHT help generate his fidelity, is that the stressors are mostly on him alone if you leave....

if he were to believe you'd really walk away, and leave him holding the bag, you might start looking better.

But he'll need to know that some things on your end could be better/different.

make sense?



Hard as it is to face, the "letting yourself go" is important for you to admit and to work on. Good for you.

As important as financial and physical security from our men is important to us, the appearance and attractiveness of a wife is super important to our husbands.
Shallow? Perhaps but it's what a long study revealed.

Men want to feel their wives are attractive, and to have "peace in the home"-

and we women want "security" (which means marrying a good provider, who checks out the noise downstairs, and shows up for us) AND fidelity...which is self explanatory.




Keep that up and work on YOU.

DO NOT let the anger consume you. It's unattractive and hurts the cause AND it makes you less available to your kids.

Get A Life asap. Since you read the Div Remedy Book or the Div Busting book, you know what that means.

Get legal counsel, and draw up a financial plan and then decide what you are willing to let happen. Maybe you can separate while paying off the debts. While YOU could declare bankruptcy, he cannot get out of paying support and neither could you. But it MIGHT help-see a bankruptcy lawyer about that if need be.

You may wish to throw down the gauntlet and LISTEN to him lying or crying...

but whatever you threaten, threaten nothing if you are not truly willing to follow through.

You MUST carry out any threats you make - so do NOT make them, until/unless you are sure.

As cruel as this sounds, his parents are NOT your responsibility - now that he's broken his marriage vows again. It's HIS...
I'd project the concept that you are DONE. And I HOPE you'll mean it.

I've seen couples divorce and remarry so it happens. But you can't stay in a marriage where you sacrifice so much for THIS in return? What's that teach your kids about self respect?

I'm not telling you to punish him; I'm talking about expecting some basics to be achieved in a marriage. He had an affair years ago and you BELIEVE he's not had one since then, until now.

What if he says "Fine I love OW"?? Be ready for that.

OR be ready for more lies b/c he may believe it's "best to Deny deny deny" and THEN to blame the other for being crazy or "making things up" or whatever....

Don't tip your hand til you must. Find out before, by talking to the Lawyer. I don't know what state you are in, but in many, adultery has nothing to do with custody or child support.

Again, a session with a lawyer will help you.

There's a good chance he'll have a rude awakening. "Dear h, lose the house AND OR stay here - alone, with your parents, and see the kids when you can...while I'm fine on my own, meeting new people, GAL and not having to worry about your dad OR hearing your mom..."

as much as you may have "let yourself go"/ it's also true he's taken you for granted. So do your work, and release him to his.

I say get in shape and lose some weight and wear make up, buy some nicer clothes and wear perfume, and do all this BEFORE you tell him what's going on. I'd kill him with temptation, being mysterious about your life, being upbeat about it (b/c in many big ways, your life will actually get better if you part ways, which is unusual).

Are his parents paying anything to live there? I hope so although that probably complicates your financial picture. (Does he ever thank you for letting them live there? It speaks well of you).


Find out what the deal is. Knowledge is power. Say nothing to him until you have spoken to a lawyer. You OUGHT to be able to get your answers in one session and THEN you can decide what to do.

Write down the questions BEFORE you get there.

Take notes IF you can do it while still hearing the lawyer speak.


And You must watch those bills so he doesn't spend your money on her.


Good luck.