WAW seems to be making positive steps...whattodo?

[Dm45]

Day 2 no contact...

Yes read Cracking the Communication Code...I've read so much since then I'll start it again.

Why most of the things I did back when we fell in love would push her away: I PURSUED her. Planned romantic dates, surprised her at work or home with flowers, cooked for her, wrote her long love letters, took her on dates SHE would enjoy, (ie she loves movies and tv, I'd rather do something where we could talk) Drove her to any appointments especially in city. (We live in a rural area and she doesn't like city driving, especially when we were young) Come to think of it, we were still doing many of these things recently, not as often except I cooked several times per week, with her working so much. How ever IN BETWEEN those good times, my communication style change to that of the bullying. @&&$$&@&$#% (cussing my self)

I talked to her totally different back then.

Why are the kids punishing her? Why is she punishing me? Or does anyone reject anyone... W is going to have to win back kids IMO, as I have to win back W.

Black and white as to adultery self serving...It's my belief. If expressing it seems self serving, or will drive her away I need to express differently or not at all.

"skips over vows...validity to her claims" ABSOLUTELY. As I have told her, I am ASHAMED of my lack of provision. I am mortified at where I let the relationship go. What have I gotten out of reading the Bible? Those who won't care for their loved ones have denied the true faith and are worse than unbelievers! That I need to love my W as Christ loved the church, in that he laid down His life for it. My pride is dead. My sense of manhood is dead, yet I am willing to love her and take her back. And yes, love is a decision and an action. A whole lot of actions. And a decision every day to commit all over again.

I know now she hasn't felt that. How can I make her feel it? Does she need a certain $ amount of income? How will I ever find any of this out?

WHY DO THEY ALL KNOW?
Here's the sad story. She had been living at sisters for 10 days or so. Talked every day. Invited us over for dinner, visited home every day, nearly. brought laundry home for me to do, etc. then one evening she stopped calling, texting everyone, even kids. Told sister she was working late. After not being able to reach her, went to her work. Closed. Car not there. Went to OMs house. Car was there but garage was so dark I didn't see it. At this point i believed she must be out with friends from work or staying with one. Next morning still no contact. At one point I knew how many hours since contact...we'd never gone that long in our lives. Checked sisters house. Drove to OMs again to "clear my mind". I STILL didn't really believe she was there. But she was. Her car in garage. My heart broke in a thousand pieces. I knocked on the door, called for her, no one would come or talk to me. They called police, and I was arrested for trespassing. Friend of her sisters works on dispatch, called the family to let them know what was going on. This was NOT a scene youd see on Cops or some show like that. I was literally bawling...desperate, needy...a thousand steps backward. Never heard of DB at that time. I wish I had made a thousand different decisions that day, but that's how all the family found out.

I don't want to shame my wife. I knew about OM when she went to sisters. Did not tell anyone. Saw her friends at grocery, etc... They asked about her, not knowing what's going on, oh shes fine, give her a call. She knew I was protecting her from judgment of others so she could come back soon.

Why did I ask if she thought about kids feelings? To try to point out to her that she is placing R w/OM above R w/kids. To manipulate her OUT of his house. To try for a fair shot at Reconciling (does R mean relationship or reconcile?)

I am trying to learn actions and words to make her feel loved when she comes back. How can she believe these kids are feeling loved by her?

I will freely admit to being dense but when I KNOW I am hurting someone I love I STOP, at least temporarily until I forget again.

By shotgun effect I mean she took aim at me with her actions but instead of a rifle it was a shotgun that hurt the whole family not just me.

The words you crossed out about wedding day feelings were from DR, shouldn't I have shared them with her as hope?

My wrongs are not murky. I have a bullet pointed list. Sent her a letter detailing them and asked for feedback. If she was honest, I was pretty close to target. Or maybe even she doesn't know all of them.

The name withheld was hers. She has said numerous times the old
W is gone, or I felt some of the old me come back...those are good days.

What am I learning here...(I assume you mean since this all started)
-That my happiness has been based on my relationship w/W, and that has been a sham for the past I don't know how long. The whole GAL thing I read about is totally unappealing right now. I don't want a life. I want a life with my wife.
-To own my part of the breakdown.
-That I have been a bully to the ones I love without even knowing it.
-The very thought of losing my wife scares me to death. I feel adrenaline surges many times each day.
-Her feelings are her feelings, don't argue how she feels.
-Empathize

Counterintuitive, but works better than my techniques:
-Detachment...when she 1st went to OM, I read somewhere (not here) "don't contact for 30 days, they usually contact in two weeks." She contacted me in 10 days to arrange a meet. That was one of our most substantial conversations. Yet it feels WRONG to not contact her. Even now we are mostly pleasant when we talk.
-Don't bring up the relationship...I had not for several days, when Friday she did...perhaps I handled it wrong, but "detaching" from bringing it up for a while seemed to work to bring it out of her.

Yes, read the rules for newbies.

How long must I detach? Eventually household finances will need to be discussed, as my income doesn't cover the bills.

Will we ever talk about the relationship? What should my goal be?

You are getting through. Be patient with me. This all seems so PASSIVE...not my nature when dealing with problems. I appreciate your help. I am trying to save for coach, but money is one of our biggest problems.