Hoping I can get some advice from others who have "been there". My situation is we've been married almost 20 years, and I just found proof that my husband is cheating on me for the second time in our marriage. What to do? I'm ready to walk away, but I don't want my family broken up (I have d12 and s9 - 1st time he cheated on me we did not have children).
Things had been going well, but I started noticing differences a few months back. 2 weeks ago, I found out he's been texting one # several times a day. I asked who this was, and he thought it was devious of me to check his phone (I didn't look at his phone, but I found them on the online bill usage report, as we've been hitting overage charges). He said it was nothing, just a friend at work, told me to stop thinking so much, etc.
So, I started looking up divorce busting again (it helped me before and I believe it will help me again (however this turns out). I've let myself go for the past few years, so I started working out, stopped bugging him with questions, etc. But then today, I couldn't help think that he was lying to me, so I did look at his phone. He has a private inbox where these text msgs for that one # go, that requires a password. I then looked at pictures on his phone, and there the 2 of them are. I haven't confronted himyet, but don't know what to do...is it really better to keep a marriage together? I'll confront him soon, but wanted to talk to some legal counsel first. Compounding the problem is we've been in debt and we've been working together for the last 1-2 years to pay it off (have another year to go). He's still making plans with me, we want to go to disney with the kids in Feb, and a road trip in summer 2013. How can he make these plans with me and the kids if he's with OW????!!!!
Even worse, his parents moved in a year ago, father has alzheimers....if we divorce, what happens to them? Such a mess! I feel like breaking down and crying/screaming, but I know I need to find time to talk to him first and see what we can do to try to work all this stuff out if we separate/divorce, and I don't want to tell the kids until it's definite that we do divorce or something. My heart is breaking and I don't think I can ever trust him again....
Kim, I came across your post. Sorry you're going through this...My H had an A and it was the worst thing I had to go through in my life.
I noticed you registered in 2005. Were you having problems in your M back then?
Q for you: what were the risk factors that you think led to your H's 1st affair? Are those risk factors present now? What are they? If the factors are still present, an A is likely to happen again.
Your H probably cares about you and the kids, and he probably sees the same issues with the two of you splitting. I would not be able to trust my H again if he cheated again (I guess that won't be happening bc he filed for D a month ago.) You'll have to do some serious soul-searching and decide if this has crossed your bottom line. Did you ever communicate to your H that cheating again would mean the end of your M?
Lots to think about. Stay strong, and wait till you're calm to think about this stuff.
I am no expert but give yourself some time to settle down. D is not an easy road either as you are already thinking through. I had these same thoughts 7 months ago and based on bad advice and acting out of emotions asked my wife to move out, i so regret that now.
I would rather feel pain then never feel at all... Separated 3/2012 T 34 yrs M 27 yrs
Kim, about 11 weeks ago, I packed a week's worth of clothes to give W a cooling off period. Worse mistake of my life. She actually filed two days before I moved out. If at all possible, please do not separate households.
BD: 8/20/2012 W Files: 8/23/2012 S: 8/25/2012 (I moved out) D Final: 3/5/2013
I'm so conflicted...I'm leaning towards D, but I hate to break up the family. But isn't it worse for kids to see us in a relationship where one S disrespects the other to such a degree? I know it takes 2 to tango, but really, he couldn't talk things out? I just don't know...I don't know, maybe if I confront, and he says he'll go to counseling, maybe....
My W was in your position where I was never there and was quite disrespectful to her. I learned the hard way. Now, I want more than ever to show her how I can love her the way that I should have for all these years.
BD: 8/20/2012 W Files: 8/23/2012 S: 8/25/2012 (I moved out) D Final: 3/5/2013
I'm so conflicted...I'm leaning towards D, but I hate to break up the family. But isn't it worse for kids to see us in a relationship where one S disrespects the other to such a degree?
If you are considering D or walking, then give him an ultimatum. There are so many of us here that so wish our spouse had done that and given us a chance to make real changes. But usually the WAS waits until they are completely done to say anything. So pull your H aside, tell him you're at the end of your rope and that you need to see immediate changes if he wants any hope of reconcilation. And those changes would include dropping OW and giving you full access to his phone and computer activity. If you're considering D you really don't have anything to lose through an ultimatum, and you could very well gain a loving H focused on your needs instead of his own.
