Okay, so I guess my last thread got locked because there were too many posts? Im not sure how that works, but Im starting a new one. Not sure how to link the old one...but I wanted to start a new one because I truely appreciate the advice and look forward to what everyone has to say. The last post I posted was about how sad I am that Im pretty sure that its over.
I would love to hear from anyone who has had their H or W tell them they love the OW/OM and to spew very mean things, then later return to R? Im just so tempted to give up, but am still a tad hesitant.
My other question is...if they are spending more and more time together does this hurt the idea of R? Does it make H feel less guilt because its starting to become a normal thing to him instead of a secret thing?
H seems to spend at least 2 nights there a week and of course, its all special time for them because there are no kids and animals and friends around. It just makes me sick.
Tomorrow is court. Please say lots of prayers for me, as I dont know how this will go. This will be the papers for the legal sep and Im scared. Its mainly about money and visitation, but still, scared. I just feel like tomorrow makes it so final and no chance. That tomorrow will put in my Hs head that he can move forward without guilt....
I will post after court...I hope that it goes as well as can be expected. If we cannot come to an agreement, then we will have to actually have a hearing and that will not be fun. Wish me luck..I need all the financial support I can get right now...and hitting his wallet wont be a nice thing for him either...
M:36 H:36 D14, D11, Baby due in March M:15 T:18 Met OW: 3/12 H Moved out: 8/12 Legal Sep: 11/5/12
Good luck with court, Sweetbriar. I hope it goes well.
Yes, I'm someone whose H said he loved OW and yet returned (and he doesn't love her anymore). At first, he came back despite his love for OW for the sake of the kids. Slowly, he went off OW and mistrusted the fact that she kept telling H that our kids would be happier if he was with OW because he'd be happier. He now sees OW as manipulative. Similar to your sitch, the OW in question had no children so could spend her whole time focused on H.
Sending you much strength...
Me: 51 H: 52 T: 23 yrs M: 19 yrs S18, D16, S14 (special needs) PA: 2003/2004 Piecing: 2004 on Suspect H had EA: 8/2012-12/2012
Good luck today! Hold your head up high, back straight and know that you are the prize and no matter what happens, you are going to be okay.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
waiting to hear how it went SB. Thinking of you (((( )))
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
Accuray...after the confession of love for OW, I just want to give up! I know you and your wife are piecing...did she ever completely move out? Was she claiming to love the OM?
No, she did not completely move out, but wanted to work with me on a plan for me to move out. She was trying to be sensitive to the kids, so wanted to start with separate bedrooms. She's been working on a divorce plan for about 4 months with her IC and her friends. She started trimming back her spending and trying to figure out how she would live on a reduced income. She bought an economy car and tried to get something with exceptionally low payments. It wasn't an idle threat or something said in the heat of the moment. She said she wanted a divorce and there was no chance of reconciliation.
She not only claimed to love the OM, she did love him very much -- the way she remembers it, more than she ever loved me. She had also been infatuated with another coworker before the OM and tried to escalate that relationship with him but he didn't bite. She was very much in love with that guy too. The affair feelings are very powerful, overwhelming. In cases where the WAS has been sad / in pain for a long time in the marriage, it's hard to separate the feelings from the other person from the relief of the bad feelings between you (i.e. any port in a storm)
Originally Posted By: Sweetbriar
This is the first time since all of this happened that I really, truely believe that this is over and he is done. I have never seen him so serious and so done with me. The mean stuff that he is saying and doing makes me think he no longer cares about anything....
It's a marathon, not a sprint. Nothing will be resolved quickly or on your timeframe. No matter what happens, you will feel better a year from now, and even better two years from now, but you will not likely feel better next week or the week after.
As long as your H is involved with OW there is nothing you can do except to focus on yourself and your girls, and try not to make things worse between the two of you. That's all you can do.
Once OW is gone, then H will need to grieve the loss of that relationship, and he may be even meaner to you at that point, if that's even possible. 2-3 months after that, he might start to figure out that all of this was *not* because of you, and that he has some work to do on himself. Nothing can really start until he has that epiphany, and there's nothing you can do to induce it to happen sooner, but you can delay it indefinitely if you pursue him.
It's like when there is a storm outside your house -- there's nothing you can do to make the sun come out, nothing at all. You just have to surrender to it and know that eventually the storm will end. In the meantime, you can make yourself comfortable and tackle the things you CAN control, and there is peace to be found by doing so.
I can tell you that when W wanted out, she acted like she HATED me. She would say things like "I don't give a f*@$ what you want!" She would say that if I hugged her, it "felt bad". If I touched her at all she would go completely stiff like she was anticipating an electric shock. When I was the most hurting, she would smile and laugh with the kids like nothing was wrong. I just couldn't understand at all how she could be so insensitive and so oblivious to everything going on.
What I learned is that she was just coping and trying to protect herself. It's extremely hard to live with yourself when you know you're doing wrong. It makes you do and say things that you otherwise would not. That's why DB says to believe nothing they say and only half of what they do.
Over time W very slowly started to warm up to reconciling, but it was very much like hand feeding a squirrel, and that process was very painful too. I painfully learned that the more space I gave her, the better things were, which is completely counter-intuitive.
It's not all roses for me now, it continues to be a struggle in many ways. W and I both had issues, I worked on mine, and W is committed not to deal with hers. That makes things hard, although it is slowly getting better. Each month is better than the month before.
Have you considered speaking to a DB coach? In terms of my mental state, it was some of the best money I ever spent, I highly recommend it. It's not going to be a quick fix for your marriage, but it will definitely make you feel better about what you have to do.
Originally Posted By: Sweetbriar
if they are spending more and more time together does this hurt the idea of R?
No, he is on a journey with this woman, and more than likely it has an end. If you think they're going to spend 200 hours together before it burns out, then it's going to go faster if they spend 10 hours together a day instead of 1 hour together a day. The more time they spend together, the faster reality intrudes on the fantasy. The more likely that bad habits come out and are witnessed by the other person. The more likely that annoyances start to surface. If you see someone rarely, that stuff is quickly waved off. If you spend LOTS of time with them, it will start to wear on you.
Quote:
Does it make H feel less guilt because its starting to become a normal thing to him instead of a secret thing?
No, he will feel no less guilty. The only way he feels less guilty is if he can provoke you into being the bad guy.
I have read that the secrecy helps to fuel the excitement of the affair. When the secrecy is stripped away, it can take some of the fun out of it. It's more fun to sneak around and to feel you're doing something secret and special. When it's public knowledge and no longer a secret between the two of them, it's less special.
I don't want to give you the wrong impression here -- there are no guarantees. Some people do get married to their affair partners and everything works out for them for the long term. The chances of that happening are very slight. Given that (1) there is a big age difference, (2) he met her in a bar, (3) you are pregnant with his son, and (4) he has low self-esteem, I would put money on the fact that this isn't going to last.
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Today is the day....needs lots of strength for this...