Lost and confused

[Soul.Searching]

Thank you Labug, Mindfull, (Yes, I definitely want your sage advice, please.)Regretful and tori.

Why? What are you thinking? What would you like to be in control of? What do you need to protect?

I'm not sure Labug. I already set some about him borrowing my car, Not getting angry when I don't answer my phone etc.
I guess maybe him not calling over and over if I don't answer.
I'm not sure that I can do that, without him completely withdrawing again though.
He also does ask me a lot of questions still, Hard to be mysterious when he wants to know all lol. Once again, i think if I set that one, he will take that as me pushing him away and think I have something to hide. It will ultimately result in him withdrawing.

Soul...

I am a DB'er from a long time ago, who spent over three years on this site, attempting to save my marriage... I stop in and read from time to time, but only chime in on situations, very rarely, anymore...

Yours caught my eye.

Why? Because you're doing the spinning I did for YEARS!!!

Are you ready for some sage advice?!

Mindful, Yes please! I am definitely ready for your sage advice. Be as brutal and honest as possible. I know I'm stuck right now, I just don't know how to handle it. Thank you for stopping by and posting.

I just noticed this in your sitch. My H's mother also left when he was an early teen and he has never gotten over it. H's grandmother had an affair but stayed with H's grandfather (on H's mother's side.) IMO this is the crux of the problem in our R because H has never dealt with this abandonment and is now projecting his issues onto me.

Yeah, I actually helped H deal with this when he was about 18/19 I actually encouraged him to call his Mum and ask her the questions he wanted answers for. He actually did this and i thought he had resolved his issues as much as possible. Obviously not, I guess it's up to him now, to either deal with them himself or let them consume him.

I agree these childhood traumas definitely have an impact. My H's father had an EA and left him when he was 7.

Mindfull, what's your sage advice?

Yep it's like they are scared of history repeating itself and the only way they can feel like they can control it, is by being the one to leave before they get left.