He's Just Not That Into You

[25yearsmlc]

He's punishing you.

He will not or cannot forgive you for the affair even if he played a role in it.

So, how long do you want to deal with that? Is he really going to change and let it go? I wish he would but he may not be able to OR want to...he might like feeling "Right" b/c

he mistreated you a long time before you had the affair and

it's so much easier to shove your sins in your face, than face his own.


The worst course of action after an affair, is

staying married & staying miserable.

If things are not going to improve (and are there really signs of it? then you know what to do.

You wish you could do something else, but I don't have anything to tell you except that your marriage is painful to read about so it must be hell to be in.

I have 2 family members who divorced and later remarried. It happens.

Sometimes we need to see that the grass is greener where it gets the most water.

[LisaLost]

I agree with 25 years. I haven't read through all your threads yet and am working through them to see if I can help in any way. Thanks for stopping by my thread.

Don't worry too much over your backsliding. I think it's normal and helps you see what issues you still want to work on. The important thing is that you see that and give yourself a break about it. This is a very difficult time as we all here know. I hope to have some better advice after I read more on your story.

[2chiquitos]

Wow RegretfulLA. This is not looking good. As I said before, state your boundaries (and you did) and stick to them. Don't be wishy washy about it or he will see you as flip flopping.

[25yearsmlc]

her being gay or "just a friend" is totally irrelevant.

She's NOT you, and you are his wife. Period.


IS this the type of respect he showed you before, which helped create the situation for an affair in the first place?

How long are you going to let your children see you treated this way? And btw, I think he's having an EA with OW, at best.

[Soul.Searching]

It sounds like it is all tit for tat. He is trying to hurt you and he not dealt with things.
I don't know if it's good DBing but I think you done the right thing. He needs to wake up and decide if he wants to fix the marriage. If he does, he is going the wrong way about it.

[mamabird]

Thanks 25, Vero, Lisa and Bklyn for the support today. I really need it right now.

her being gay or "just a friend" is totally irrelevant.

How long are you going to let your children see you treated this way? And btw, I think he's having an EA with OW, at best.

Luckily, my children don't see a lot of this. We are back to doing family things so it's easier on them. But as far as "how long" should I put up with it? The answer is, until I know for sure that H can't or won't step up his game and be there for me emotionally.

It took me a long time to understand what an EA is. Even though I had two of them, it took me three years (and a lot of nudges on this board) before I could admit to myself that the first one actually was an EA. I do agree that H and OW are having an EA, if it falls under a broad definition, which is,

She's NOT you, and you are his wife. Period.

IS this the type of respect he showed you before, which helped create the situation for an affair in the first place?

What created the situation for the first affair was him abandoning me emotionally. I know that sounds like psychobabble but many of us women can relate to that feeling. At the time of my first EA, H and I were barely on speaking terms and being with OM1 was very emotionally comforting. Even though he and I only saw each other for lunch once in a while, I still reach back to that relationship in my head for emotional comfort. (OM1 is married and lives across the world now and I cut him off when all of this happened back in June.) I still miss him every day because he was supportive in a way that H was not and I wish more than anything that I could reach out to him now.

What created the situation for the second affair was a lot of stress in our lives, resulting in H abandoning me emotionally AND piling on verbal abuse. He was very rejecting. OM2 was just waiting in the wings for me to have a vulnerable moment, which I ultimately did. I didn't have any of those feelings for him but his attraction to me made me feel better about myself during a very difficult time.

I spent the last few hours trying to calm down. I realize that my emotions are getting the better of me and not helping my DB case any. I apologized to H and said I was sorry but this was very hard for me. H reiterated that there was "nothing going on" and there was no need for my wigging out and "vitriol". Luckily, he is going out of town for work over the next few days and hopefully we will be able to start MC ASAP.

Unfortunately "There's nothing going on" is not much comfort for me. I could have said there was "nothing going on" with OM1, but he and I were extremely close and told each other things that we didn't tell other people. And, of course, I was in love with him, even though on the surface it was "just" friendship because we never crossed any lines or even discussed it.

[mamabird]

And SS - thank you as well...

[Breakdown]

I'm so sorry Regret. Try to stay calm in the face of the storm. Come here to vent, scream, and whatever else you need, but stay strong and calm around your H.

Unfortunately, I think this is going to be tough going for a while and how it goes it going to be dependent (at least in part) on how well you control your emotions and DB.

I think boundaries are going to be extremely important, but I haven't gotten my head wrapped around that very well so I'll leave the "how to do that" advice to others.

I'd suggest you check out Denver's story. Not everyone agrees with his approach, but if you're going to confront the EA/PA head on, it's worth reading what worked for him.

I'd also consider getting yourself a DB coach. I was just about ready to walk out the door when I finally got one, and it changed my entire mindset.

Hang in there.

[mamabird]

Well all of this certainly makes it easier to detach, I'll say that. I have no desire to dote on H tonight even though his ankle still hurts and he probably could use some attention. That door is now closed, at least for the next little while. He's been lying on the bed all afternoon and hasn't even bothered to wash the dinner dishes yet.

I do think a DB coach is a good idea. I will look into it over the next couple days. Our financial situation is perking up a little which is good news.

In the end, I do really wonder if we will stay together. I really need a lot more than he has been giving me and I don't even know if he's capable of getting his act together enough to love me or anyone else in a way that involves initiative, if that makes sense. I just can't see him getting that motivated. It's interesting, because I have a talent for helping other people dissolve their inertia, but with him, I seem to inspire inertia. I used to think it was depression and maybe it is, but now he's taking meds and you'd think those would get his a$$ up.

[Soul.Searching]

I wish i had some advice but a lot of what you said sounds pretty much where i am right now! Your doing great though.