He's Just Not That Into You

[mamabird]

Thanks 25, Vero, Lisa and Bklyn for the support today. I really need it right now.

her being gay or "just a friend" is totally irrelevant.

How long are you going to let your children see you treated this way? And btw, I think he's having an EA with OW, at best.

Luckily, my children don't see a lot of this. We are back to doing family things so it's easier on them. But as far as "how long" should I put up with it? The answer is, until I know for sure that H can't or won't step up his game and be there for me emotionally.

It took me a long time to understand what an EA is. Even though I had two of them, it took me three years (and a lot of nudges on this board) before I could admit to myself that the first one actually was an EA. I do agree that H and OW are having an EA, if it falls under a broad definition, which is,

She's NOT you, and you are his wife. Period.

IS this the type of respect he showed you before, which helped create the situation for an affair in the first place?

What created the situation for the first affair was him abandoning me emotionally. I know that sounds like psychobabble but many of us women can relate to that feeling. At the time of my first EA, H and I were barely on speaking terms and being with OM1 was very emotionally comforting. Even though he and I only saw each other for lunch once in a while, I still reach back to that relationship in my head for emotional comfort. (OM1 is married and lives across the world now and I cut him off when all of this happened back in June.) I still miss him every day because he was supportive in a way that H was not and I wish more than anything that I could reach out to him now.

What created the situation for the second affair was a lot of stress in our lives, resulting in H abandoning me emotionally AND piling on verbal abuse. He was very rejecting. OM2 was just waiting in the wings for me to have a vulnerable moment, which I ultimately did. I didn't have any of those feelings for him but his attraction to me made me feel better about myself during a very difficult time.

I spent the last few hours trying to calm down. I realize that my emotions are getting the better of me and not helping my DB case any. I apologized to H and said I was sorry but this was very hard for me. H reiterated that there was "nothing going on" and there was no need for my wigging out and "vitriol". Luckily, he is going out of town for work over the next few days and hopefully we will be able to start MC ASAP.

Unfortunately "There's nothing going on" is not much comfort for me. I could have said there was "nothing going on" with OM1, but he and I were extremely close and told each other things that we didn't tell other people. And, of course, I was in love with him, even though on the surface it was "just" friendship because we never crossed any lines or even discussed it.