I Cheated. She's Pissed!

[25yearsmlc]

I'm sorry but I disagree, You need to work on you. There is no good reason ever to cheat but you need to look at the "excuses" you created in your mind to justify cheating.
If you don't look at the things that contributed to you cheating in the past, then I don't think you will be able to not do it again.
You can't just push things under the rug and think that they won't creep back out.

I am completely with SS on this. We are all for a solution-based approach. We come here trying to look at our M and ourselves and we constantly ask WHY did we get here, how did our behavior contribute to the demise of our R. We constantly say we need to look within ourselves for our faults and try to become better people. If we don't ask WHY we do the things we do, how will we get there?


my point was in part b/c you often cheat b/c you're being selfish. Not a lot to "THINK about there", just admit and change. I think the endless asking CAN lead to excuse making..." I was feeling neglected" makes me think "SO I rationalized it and therefore If I feel neglected again....who knows??"

In my opinion just saying "I won't cheat again" is the shortest road to further cheating and by his own admission Focusing / Jeffodie is a repeat offender as well. Obviously something is going on with HIM that is making him cheat.


Well, all I am saying is maybe it's not some deep seated chemical imbalance or thing that happened to him in childhood...

Maybe he's just selfish, AND OR self absorbed and maybe he knows he married a trophy wife (I Do think the age difference is obvious and as time passes it will become larger)

and maybe he thinks she did marry a wallet and his need to have a trophy wife adore him was shaken, so he sought out another woman to conquer...MAYBE thats why and if he "gets" that, then he needs to change it and move along with actions that show it. I guess I fear that we're looking for a "good" reason and I don't think there often are "good" ones. Sure now and then we'll see abuse, but not here. By his own admission he had no good reason.

FOR ME, enough of the why. He said he felt she pulled away but WE note it was after he denied her a 2nd child. So we're left with no "good" reason why. ALSO

He seems to be suggesting SHE changed the agreement-- but isn't it more likely she changed her mind? FOR ME, I thought one child would be enough. But a year after our first, we both wanted another and then AGAIN I changed my mind after our 2nd. Truly I WISH we had a 4th child!



He needs to understand what he is looking for, what emotional need he is trying to fulfill by doing so or what is he trying to escape from so he can fix the root problems within himself. Otherwise, it will happen again.

I am definitely working on me to understand why made me rationalize / justify my actions in that one moment. I meet with a counselor weekly and have opened up a lot to him about me and my background. I also have replayed in my head my particular "event" and I sit disgusted at myself for it.

I am certainly looking at the "why" I did it, but to my W, "why" I did it only sounds like excuses.

Agreed

I do not want that for her. That's why I am leaving her alone, giving her space. I text her back, help w/ my little boy, and am very helpful when she needs me. Last week she got a respiratory infection and could hardly function. I cam to the house, made diner for her, got her prescriptions, canceled my work and took my little boy all day. This is NOT out of the ordinary behavior for me. She told me that she missed how thoughtful I was. She gave a a light hug as I left the house, but I do not take it as "a sign" our R is improving. Last night we texted abt various stuff, but we NEVER text about our sitch or the R.

Good

We go to couples C, but there's never progress, only a rehashing of what an untrustful bad person I am, which I totally validate.

Rehashing is why most mc's don't help. They're not solution based. But why do you validate how you are an untrustful BAD person? Just admit to the one event and lapse...


There's still a lot of anger and hurt on her part, and I do not blame her. She said she finds me physically attractive but the thought of being "physical" again made her want to vomit.

that's troubling. If you provided financial/physical-sexual security to her and then remove it, that can take away a lot of "in love" feelings. Don't know what to tell you there.


I do not reach out to her, ever. I treat her with respect. I comment on how well she's doing and what a great mom she is despite the crap.
I know she's angry with me still because she mentioned that she did not want to share our boy for any holidays. She took him out of town for his first Halloween. Shes taking him again for T-giving and X-mas. I am not arguing w/ her but in the event of a D, on paper we will alternate holidays, but I do not mind being flexible year over year.

I think your w needs to understand you are STILL a father to your other children. That didn't stop w/the birth of your 3rd child. Does she think fatherhood 'ends" at age 21 or with a new wife?

Let her process that deeply, b/c if you were to remarry a 3rd time, and your new wife had or wanted kids, would your present wife think dropping YOUR child with her would be fine?

I mean, it is what she's asking you to do with your children from the first marriage.

You know what? I am going to stop now b/c I am getting a weird feeling of anger AT HER.

I find myself thinking "WAIT a minute! She stole a married man with 2 kids, and now wants to deny them his presence at the holidays too---b/c SHE has a child with him. And the act of cheating he did to her once, was a one time example of EXACTLY what he did WITH HER, to leave his first marriage."

Yikes...me thinks she doth protest too much perhaps. The money questions are telling as well, IF she's not attracted to you then she's going for the wallet security.

And maybe some of your guilt about it is left over from the first marriage...

like you can't stand the idea of being the bad guy twice... which means you never addressed your first m's issues.

I understand why you rue your choices but I'm not sure which choices you are ruing the most.