The sirens were mythical sea nymphs who lured sailors to their death on the craggy shores of the island of Anthemoessa. As ships went by, they would sing their bewitching song so beautifully that sailor got closer and closer to the shore where their ship would be thrown by the waves onto the murderous rocks surrounding the island.
This is my new challenge. As my W keeps contacting me and getting closer and closer to me, so far I haven’t been able to resist the enchantment of her presence, of her company and this closeness has robbed me of my armour, detachment.
Without detachment, I cannot outlast the fog, and without distance I cannot achieve detachment therefore I must strengthen my will power and resist at all cost my W’s ever growing hold over me until I can pull back and allow her to miss me.
It is said that Odysseus managed to get pass the island by having his men put wax in their ears so they couldn’t hear the mesmerizing chant while he himself was tied to the mast of his ship. The sirens were so distressed to see a man hear their song and still manage to escape that they jumped into the sea and drowned.
While this distance is meant to preserve my sanity and protect me from further pain, perhaps it can be twofold and maybe, my W too will feel similar distress at seeing me pull away in the face of her constant presence.
With this said, today I informed my W when we were about to get back home after our morning’s activities and she got here shortly after us. I greeted her civilly and we exchanged platitudes and then I excused myself and went to practice my guitar as I was called yesterday and it looks like my gig will be resuming this week. The owner of the café also wants me to play tonight.
In fact, todays’ interaction with my W were very minimal and restricted to necessities as in the few words exchanged while putting up mosquito screens in D8’s bedroom together. I surprised myself by not initiating conversation while W was sitting at the dinning room table and I was grilling the fish for dinner. It was a bit awkward but I managed to look busy cooking and dancing to good old R&B which was playing (something I’ve always done while cooking). She on the other hand tried to make herself look busy by reading one of D8s books but I don’t buy it. She was truly dumbfounded.
During dinner me and D8 interacted as we usually do and had a good time while wife simply ate. After dinner she thanked me for the food (which she really liked by the way as she said countless time how great it was) and again, I replied civilly and went to my room.
I noticed how W often went to D8’s room and closed the door and I figured she was checking her phone and therefore seems to be respecting my boundaries.
Contact is inevitable as we have D8 and I always told W that she could come around as often as she wished. In fact, that is one of the two reasons why I chose to come back to this city for D8's sake (the other being to try to save my family). With that on my mind, it’s evident that I can’t totally avoid contact with W but I’ll just make sure that while we are in each other’s presence, our actual contact is limited to the bare minimum, no matter how tempting she may be.
I suppose that if she does initiate a convo, I’ll need to figure out if I want to be a part of it or not. I’m quite new to this approach so I’m not quite sure. If she asks me why I’m so distant, I’ll need to come up with an answer that doesn’t involve me telling her how much I’m hurt. I guess I could just evade it and tell her that I’m fine but I have stuff on my mind.
I’m not sure I can do this but for the time being, it seems like I have to follow this path to save myself from more anxiety and pain. Perhaps I’ll need to resort to putting wax in my ears and tying myself to a mast if I wish to succeed.
Thanks you all for your time and advice and most importantly for your friendship.
Freshman Class of 2012
M-49 W-42 1D-10 T 10 YEARS M 9 YEARS EA/MLC 07/2010 Separation 28/05/2012 PA confirmed 31/07/12 W Asked for D 31/07/12 D on and off the table since then
Contact is inevitable as we have D8 and I always told W that she could come around as often as she wished.
Arsene, I would strongly advise you to rethink this. This shouldn't be this open-ended, and without more structure. Your wife needs to feel the consequences of her apparent decision to break up her family, and yet you're giving her total unfettered access to probably the single best aspect of that family.
I'm NOT saying to unreasonably restrict access to her daughter. I'm saying it should have more structure to it, and be more respectful of YOUR time with your daughter.
Just got back from my gig. I went well. Actually I got asked to do a wedding in January. Who knew?
Yeah, I felt like W was very pensive all day and that is good. Furthermore, she sent me a text to ask me if she could stay over tomorrow night and redeem one of her coupons (D8 gave her coupons for sleep-overs). She is actually respecting my boundaries by simply asking. That is good.
Re: the open-ended access to D8, it's the way I want it, for D8's sake, for the time being. I will not use D8 to make W feel the consequences of her actions. W is D8's mother and they both already feels the impact of this separation. I'm not going to hurt D8 just to make a point with W.
Even with this total access to D8, W still isn't here that often and D8 and I have plenty of quality father-daughter time. The girl misses her mother and she should be able to see her as often as W is willing to come around. IMO.
Freshman Class of 2012
M-49 W-42 1D-10 T 10 YEARS M 9 YEARS EA/MLC 07/2010 Separation 28/05/2012 PA confirmed 31/07/12 W Asked for D 31/07/12 D on and off the table since then
Contact is inevitable as we have D8 and I always told W that she could come around as often as she wished.
Arsene, I would strongly advise you to rethink this. This shouldn't be this open-ended, and without more structure. Your wife needs to feel the consequences of her apparent decision to break up her family, and yet you're giving her total unfettered access to probably the single best aspect of that family.
I'm NOT saying to unreasonably restrict access to her daughter. I'm saying it should have more structure to it, and be more respectful of YOUR time with your daughter.
Starsky
Yup... And as you tend to ease into these boundaries, it might be a good idea to set up the first one by telling her you need at least a couple hours of notice before she drops by. This will give you some time to set something up for you to do when W shows up... Let your daughter know that you're going to let her and W spend a little time alone... some Mommy/Daughter time while you go take some Me time...
And once in a while... let W know that it's NOT a good time for her to stop by... Consequence of her actions that she'll feel very quickly...
Re: the open-ended access to D8, it's the way I want it, for D8's sake, for the time being. I will not use D8 to make W feel the consequences of her actions. W is D8's mother and they both already feels the impact of this separation. I'm not going to hurt D8 just to make a point with W.
Even with this total access to D8, W still isn't here that often and D8 and I have plenty of quality father-daughter time. The girl misses her mother and she should be able to see her as often as W is willing to come around. IMO.
You need to look at this from another angle Arsene...
By asking for some advanced notice, you're giving YOURSELF time to set something else up... You're not punishing D... You're simply ending your self-inflicted punishment.
I had struggled with this very thing. We meaning kids and myself- wound up that he came and went, would say one thing, do another. They were MORE upset by lack of consistency, and not being able to count on H. Hopefully by giving boundaries - it will help alleviate this for the kids and also to force H into being more purposeful and deliberate in his visiting. If that makes any sense? It is not really saying he can't see them. It is saying he has to show us respect as well.
