He's Just Not That Into You

[RegretfulLA]

This is a continuation of my previous thread, "Keep Breathing"

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2295776&page=1

To sum up in a paragraph, we had a BD about 5 months ago. I had an EA and H kicked me out, I lived with my parents for 3 months and am now back at home (2 months). In that last month we have made a lot of progress and have gone from not speaking and fighting to doing family things and him allowing me to rub his back/cuddle with him.

Yesterday was H's birthday and I went all out to make a nice day for him, but was left feeling very empty, kind of like when you're dating someone and you realize "he's just not that into you."

A few weeks ago I got into H's phone and email to see what was going on and discovered the presence of what I think is a POW (potential other woman). H had multiple plans with her over the summer when I was not here and seems very emotionally attached to her.

We got invited to a friend's 40th birthday party (tonight) and H said he might want to go, so I asked my parents to babysit. H told me yesterday that he was going to watch the football game with his friend. I told H, I'd really like you to come to this party with me.

This afternoon, H went to get his car washed. He almost never does that kind of thing on the weekends but told me 3 times he was going to get his car washed today. That got my suspicions up. What is he really doing? He was gone a long time so I called him to see what was going on. At first, I thought he was making a side trip to visit POW because at one point over the summer (via text) she said she was sick and he asked her if she needed anything, saying "I could run an errand" (by way of giving an excuse to me).

He got home from getting his car washed and let me know that he was not watching the football game with his friend, that he was going to a play downtown. When I asked him who he was going with, he said, "My friend POW." I looked down. He knew I was upset. He said, "We're just friends." My answer was, "You're just friends right now." Now as I'm writing this, I realize he was getting his car washed in preparation for his "date."

His first reaction to all of this was to say, "I really think we need to go to MC." That's good. He brought up MC about a month ago and never followed up. I'm glad he's following up now. We need it. However, the context - telling me he's going on a date with some other girl and then saying that as a follow up - clearly I see some guilt on his face.

He doesn't know that I've looked at his phone and know what I know. He said things to her over the summer that lead me to believe that he was at least interested in her, even if there was nothing going on. Actually, I do believe there's nothing going on, but I don't believe that he's not interested in her, as he tried to tell me later in the conversation. He also tried to tell me "I'm pretty sure she's gay."

So of course, I was upset about this. Very upset. I told him it was completely inappropriate for him to go out on a Saturday night with an unmarried woman, especially when I had asked him to come out with me. His answer? "There's nothing wrong with it." I told him this was unacceptable going forward and he would have to keep it to lunch. Later on, when he reiterated that there was nothing going on and it was not inappropriate, I said I didn't believe him. Then he said, "I'm pretty sure she's gay." Give me an F'ing break. I read the texts.

He also said that he was being very respectful to me by telling me exactly what he was doing. No, being very respectful to me would be NOT TO GO ON A DATE WITH ANOTHER WOMAN WHO YOU LIKE WHEN YOUR WIFE HAS ASKED YOU TO GO OUT WITH HER.

Keep in mind that yesterday was his birthday and I spent the afternoon baking him a homemade cake. I know this was meaningful to him.

My stepmother encouraged me to banish him to the pull out bed as a result of this blatant lack of respect, so I let him know he would need to sleep in the guest room tonight. His response was, "What?" So I said, "Well, I'm sleeping in my bed and you can do what you want."

I really did my best not to get in a fight with him and try to remember my DB principles. I told him I was hurt and upset. I set my boundary. And then he said that I had no right to be angry, that my anger is a big problem for him in our marriage. The ironic thing is, I didn't even get angry. No yelling. He threw all of my belongings on the lawn over the summer, trashed me to our mutual friends, and in front of our children, but I'm the one with the anger problem.

I'm wary about MC. He could be teeing me up to say, "I want a divorce and I need you to understand that." I told him that. He said he didn't really know what he wanted. He knows he really loves his family (e.g., his children) and he's evaluating a lot of things right now.

To make matters worse, the nosy neighbor (N) that I have mentioned before is gossiping away... my next door neighbor flat out told me today not to trust N - she heard about my situation from some other neighbor who heard it from N... and apparently my H had also told N that "I'm not the person he thought he married" because my next door neighbor (whom I like) repeated that back to me.

So I'm going to GAL at this 40th birthday party... H can screw himself... I am so angry at him!

[2chiquitos]

I'm so sorry to hear this RegretfulLA. You were making so much progress. I would feel so hurt and devastated because it's as if he's choosing her over you. Your experience reminded me of what I went through before BD last year.

It's very frustrating because you can't force him not to go. Instead you can state your boundaries and follow through with them if he crosses them. And you did that. Good for you!

And if MC is to say he wants a D, don't assume anything. Go into it with no expectations. Also, make sure it's a promarriage MC. I really like mine and I can give you his name if your close to Pasadena. ;-)

Take care tonite and go GAL! You deserve it!

[RegretfulLA]

Well, I had a good time at the party but now all the negative effects of the alcohol are kicking in and I probably just undid 2 months of positive changes.

I started giving H a hard time and told him to sleep on the pull out bed, and he pushed back... then I gave in and I'm in the guest room. I guess I am getting used to it in here.

I couldn't let anything drop tonight. He swears that POW is just a friend but I still don't really believe it. But then he said "This is not how someone who wants to get back together acts" and I said I was just really upset and tried to get my sh!t together. Then I tried to apologize and even though he said he accepted it I didn't feel that he did, and I freaked out again. I felt the walls go up and just didn't like that very much.

I have been an awful DBer tonight!

[Soul.Searching]

I'm sorry hon, It really is hard trying to control your emotions at times like these. Day in and day out, It's just exhausting but it does get easier in time. I think we all loose our s**t ever now and then. Michelle even says in DB that there bound to be days where you fall off the wagon. Just dust yourself off and continue DBing.
Take a day or two to yourself.

[RegretfulLA]

Thanks SS and Vero -

Spending a lot of time here this morning trying to get my head back in the game. I am emotionally wrung out and exhausted and not at my best. Spent a lot of time maniacally cleaning yesterday which can only mean I'm working through massive anxiety.

I have to remember that the crux of DB is to be a mental ninja - to do a bit of mind over matter and live for ourselves. I've done a good job of this over the last 5 months, but I'm still feeling highly emotionally stressed and my game face is wearing thin.

I have worked so hard over the past 2 months especially to put things right in our family. We're back to family time now which is wonderful for the boys but I am still feeling emotionally lost and it's getting harder and harder to hide that.

The hardest thing to swallow is all the effort I have put in over the last 2 months has not seemed to make any difference to H. He keeps telling me that he appreciates things but I have yet to really feel it from him.

Have to work on detachment this week. I can't live like this anymore.

[labug]

all the effort I have put in over the last 2 months has not seemed to make any difference to H.

The effort is for you, to be a better person, better mother, better S.

If you're doing it for reaction from H, or anyone else you will be disappointed often.

You DB for you and sometimes the marriage can be saved. The goal is to save you.

[BklynMom]

Labug is right, the changes you make should make you feel better inside, its not about the result of "winning him back"

That said having that Mother Theresa wisdom takes months if not years. What helped me early on was just changing my time frame. Not trying to force things to get better in a month or two but looking forward to next Easter and reevaluating then.

More then anything changes take time. it will takes months and months of consistent behavior for your H to trust your changes.

[BklynMom]

Btw regarding the POW, your H is simply lying to himself more than anything. H really believes because they aren't having sex that she is just a friend. Give me a break, everyone and your neighbor know that this is BS. But you are not gonna be the one to convince him that its BS, he has to see for himself.

He will find out the long and hard way.

Dont react too emotionally towards him and give him an easy excuse to blame you.

Keep focusing on you and your kids.

It also feels like you are caught up in a lot of neighborhood gossip. It really helped me to expand my network of friends and meet new people at Al anon. I was able to share things with these new friends I could not share with parents that my kids play or go to school with. New friends that don't know H at all.

[RegretfulLA]

Need help guys!

I found a birthday gift from POW in H's car - it was just a book but when I looked at it he said "what are you doing" - then called me a psycho. I said, "please stop lying to me." His reply? "You've made your bed, now you can lie in it".

I told him via text that it was fine if he wanted to be with her but he needed to be out of the house by the end of the week. If not, I expect the truth.

Help!! Did I do the right thing?

[BklynMom]

You did the right thing. He can't have his cake and eat it too. This is a very very long road. You are just at the beginning.

Try not to engage with him about this. Don't let him get you mad and worked up. Be matter of fact. If he wants not be in his marriage he needs to leave.

Please please don't let him see you get angry or mad. You are a strong and brave person. You are doing this for your kids.