My M can be saved, but I need your help/advice!!!

[make_it_right]

Another update about the day. Its good and bad.

So the meeting never took place between W and OM, however my actions about staying home may have cast a negative light on things. Mostly the meeting didn't take place due to schedule of OM. I played off my days off as working from home after a medical issue (all true), then having had scheduled an aditional day off a while ago and surprising W with an extra day for me to get things in order and to help clean the house before leaving (something she always insists on doing.

However this may have had an overall negative feel to it and alot has to do with the "biased shoulder" in a family member of hers that totally needs to get the F*$k out of our business. Unfortunately this wont happen and I really two people against me here. In this person's eyes, my W can do no wrong and they are living vicariously through my W and this whole situation. I also know that I have pushed my W away a bit more because of this as she mentioned that she feels she has a shadow, etc. This is the first time in a while she has actually said anything truthful to me, but.... And after stating this I did back off and was not in the same room, but I guess the fact that I was in the same house still caused ill feelings.

I also know that my behaviour is possibly accelerating her decision to strongly consider leaving me. I now have to give her her space on this trip which includes her definitely being in contact with the Biased Shoulder probably daily, and most likely some digital contact with the OM. I truely have the deck stacked against me. What I really cant stand is that They think I am in the wrong for suspecting something when there IS something!!!! and now unfortunately they are looking at me as being on the pathetic side of things because of my recent activities. I really have not deviated from much of what i was doing but there was extra time home.

Ironically enough, a big part of how I got here was that my W has alot of free time with her job......free time to think of how better it is on the other side of the fence. And this family member is also a huge issue. My W is more open with her than me and has been for as long as I remember, and that has been frustrating beyond belief.

This may have been a bit of a venting, but I have no where else to turn to right now to discuss this. I am going to have to confront immediately when I get back from this trip b/c if I take another day off (even though I can and it probably will take that much time to talk) it will really cause an uproar and negativity that I probably will not get through with talking.

I will be updating regularly and hope to hear from the community. I am going to need the support.

MIR

[Starsky309]

MIR, you are smothering her. Rather than pulling all of the strings you are pulling to try to control things and keep her from getting with OM, you'd be better served just lovingly confronting her on what your boundaries are.

And this:

I also know that my behaviour is possibly accelerating her decision to strongly consider leaving me. I now have to give her her space on this trip which includes her definitely being in contact with the Biased Shoulder probably daily, and most likely some digital contact with the OM.

is a recipe for disaster. While you do shouldn't SMOTHER her, you do NOT have to "give her space" to contact OM while she's on a trip with you!!!

Starsky

[chatterbug]

You could have a cup of tea and right now she would be pissed that it was earl grey and not white tea.

So have the earl grey and water off a ducks back.

[ericmsant2]

MIR

Dude I really struggled with what to post to you. I am torn, I really am. Part of me is trying to sympathize with where YOU are in your journey. THe other part of me wants to shack you silly and tell you EXACTLY what to do.

Look man, you have to give up the idea that anything you do is going to be the reason that she leaves. Doing this keeps you walking on egg shells man.

I was under the impression that trying to avoid her from seeing OM was a very short term thing. It seems to be dragging on a bit much.

Also, the biggest I noticed in your post was...ANGER, which FTR is a good thing if USED PROPERLY!

Here let me show you something...

and alot has to do with the "biased shoulder" in a family member of hers that totally needs to get the F*$k out of our
business.

Unfortunately this wont happen and I really two people against me here. In this person's eyes, my W can do no wrong and they are living vicariously through my W and this whole situation.

The comments up there imply anger at her friends or family. Personally, I think you are misdirecting the anger.

1) Your W is a grown women. Stop blaming her family and friends for HER CHOICES.

2) Stop making your W a victim so that you can have compassion for her. She is making these choices - NOT YOU.

A few more points...

I noticed a bit of a victim mentality in what you wrote. You are only a victim if YOU choose to be on.

Personally, I think you are angry at yourself. I think you are angry because YOU feel somewhat helpless, because YOU are afraid and because you have lost some of your footing. So the anger is directed at her family instead of at you.

You are at a crossroads MIR...at least IMO. You want to wait to confront but you are not seeing that waiting is benefiting you. You want to confront but are scared and so now you are walking on egg shells and now you feel if you do X, Y or Z, or 1..that that will be the reason for her to leave.

IMO, the reason she is going to consider the OM the better option comes down to one word.

ATTRACTION

Buddy, you can wine and dine her, you can take her and her friends on trips, you can try to show her a great time. It will all be for nothing UNLESS you FEEL CONFIDENT, STRONG, and ATTRACTIVE to YOURSELF.

You see, the attraction should be internal. I am not saying be stuck up - no I am saying that when you truly love YOU, and truly KNOW in YOUR heart that YOU are a kick ass dude. well then..that comes across in your interactions with ANYONE. Your W will notice that and will (hopefully) be ATTRACTED to YOU.

So how does one do that...

1) Stop following her around.
2) Stop giving a chit about what she is doing.
3) Get to a place emotionally that you really like YOU.
4) Face your fear and ACCEPT that YOU CANNOT MAKE HER DOING ANYTHING.
5) Reconnect with you male body part aka. "nuts".

Find and fall in love with YOU MIR. Do whatever it take to do that...and then you will know what to do...and most importantly....

YOU will not be AFRAID!

I hope this helps.

Eric

[Starsky309]

MIR

Dude I really struggled with what to post to you. I am torn, I really am. Part of me is trying to sympathize with where YOU are in your journey. THe other part of me wants to shack you silly and tell you EXACTLY what to do.

Look man, you have to give up the idea that anything you do is going to be the reason that she leaves. Doing this keeps you walking on egg shells man.

I was under the impression that trying to avoid her from seeing OM was a very short term thing. It seems to be dragging on a bit much.

Also, the biggest I noticed in your post was...ANGER, which FTR is a good thing if USED PROPERLY!

Here let me show you something...

and alot has to do with the "biased shoulder" in a family member of hers that totally needs to get the F*$k out of our
business.

Unfortunately this wont happen and I really two people against me here. In this person's eyes, my W can do no wrong and they are living vicariously through my W and this whole situation.

The comments up there imply anger at her friends or family. Personally, I think you are misdirecting the anger.

1) Your W is a grown women. Stop blaming her family and friends for HER CHOICES.

2) Stop making your W a victim so that you can have compassion for her. She is making these choices - NOT YOU.

A few more points...

I noticed a bit of a victim mentality in what you wrote. You are only a victim if YOU choose to be on.

Personally, I think you are angry at yourself. I think you are angry because YOU feel somewhat helpless, because YOU are afraid and because you have lost some of your footing. So the anger is directed at her family instead of at you.

You are at a crossroads MIR...at least IMO. You want to wait to confront but you are not seeing that waiting is benefiting you. You want to confront but are scared and so now you are walking on egg shells and now you feel if you do X, Y or Z, or 1..that that will be the reason for her to leave.

IMO, the reason she is going to consider the OM the better option comes down to one word.

ATTRACTION

Buddy, you can wine and dine her, you can take her and her friends on trips, you can try to show her a great time. It will all be for nothing UNLESS you FEEL CONFIDENT, STRONG, and ATTRACTIVE to YOURSELF.

You see, the attraction should be internal. I am not saying be stuck up - no I am saying that when you truly love YOU, and truly KNOW in YOUR heart that YOU are a kick ass dude. well then..that comes across in your interactions with ANYONE. Your W will notice that and will (hopefully) be ATTRACTED to YOU.

So how does one do that...

1) Stop following her around.
2) Stop giving a chit about what she is doing.
3) Get to a place emotionally that you really like YOU.
4) Face your fear and ACCEPT that YOU CANNOT MAKE HER DOING ANYTHING.
5) Reconnect with you male body part aka. "nuts".

Find and fall in love with YOU MIR. Do whatever it take to do that...and then you will know what to do...and most importantly....

YOU will not be AFRAID!

I hope this helps.

Eric

[too trusting]

Eric and Starsky have some good points in their recent posts.

[ericmsant2]

MIR

Just checking in...you okay?

[make_it_right]

Eric, thank you for your concern. I have been unable to update, but I am alive and well. I try to do things orderly so I'll address your post in a sec.

First, starsky - guilty as charged. It is not the way I envisioned, but what ended up happening in order to avoid contact. It did provide for a chance for my W to actually speak with me honestly - something I have stressed needs to be in place for our R to work again way back when I started this post. And it was the first time real two way communications occurred. Step back, step forward. But this behavior has ended and the confront will be Sunday or Monday as I will not allow this disrespect to continue w OM being in pic ( boundary #1).

Eric - confronting is not dragging on, see above. It WILL happen.

Your post made me take stock of current sitch. I did lose some confidence and buckled. I can't b 100% even though i try, and it was bound to happen. Yes there is some anger there. It is lingering and although it came across as misplaced, this is the only outlet I have right now and needed to vent. I did this so that nothing became worse here between W and i. Kinda part of my own coping mechanism. But not good in long run, I understand.

I realize your advice shared is very valuable and there was an old post someone linked to about confidence in this string that I printed and try to read everyday. It does work to be confident, I get it, but I recently felt trapped. And as we know a trapped animal may make incorrect long term decisions for short term gain.

One update to share is that just last night, my W actually opened up and spoke w me about *some*of our sitch. She again admitted all the work I have done to turn my life around (which as I have shared here was for ME, I did not like the person I was becoming) and that she has been amazed/impressed/taken note of it/and appreciates it. She also addressed a bit about her thoughts on how we arrived at the cross roads of the R, and took a step towards admitting her role in the breakdown of our R (completely unsolicited by me). I reiterated nothing new from my discussion w her a while back but emphasized certain things said previously. I did leave the door open for her to admit the A (knowing she wouldn't and didn't) but it was clear that she is internally troubled. Regardless, the way I stated everything in a very calm confident manner began the foundation for my confronting soon.

As always, any guidance or smacking in a silly manner is appreciated....sometimes that's what I need to sit up and take notice.

Thank you,
MIR

[ericmsant2]

MIR

Just checking in...how are you?

[Am I Too Late]

I am learning so much by reading other peoples threads all the way through

MIR, i hope you resurface. You were doing so many correct things, but getting tangled in fear of one potential truth.

I understand the confusion you ate hoing through and wish i used this community sooner for my msrriage recovery, but now the only important task is buolding myself back up and regaining who i am.

Ed