This is my Cainer cast for the week: If the past is coming back to haunt you, why not go back and haunt the past? Give it a good scare. Show it who's boss. Take away its power to loom like some dark, menacing, cloud. Certain memories are so intense that they fill you with dread. Don't banish them, make them welcome. Think longer and harder about what really happened. Forgive anyone and anything that needs forgiveness, especially yourself.
Wow, what better to read on the anniversary of one's Bomb Drop. It's funny to think that I used to be scared of how I'd feel when this day arrived. Just like I was scared of how I'd feel when/if I heard that STBXH and his GF went on vacation together (that happened) or if/when he proposed to her (that happened too) And each time it wasn't as hard or difficult as I thought.
I've realised that a lot of my detachment problems come from control/ownership issues. When I was talking to my mother the other day I realised that after 20 years of being divorced she still feels as if my dad should answer to her in some way and it creates a strange dynamic between them. Yes they still live in the same town and see each other. He runs errands for her. I'm now seeing just how unhealthy this all is.
I think from a really young age I just used to push people to see what they would do for me and then think less of them if they didn't stand up for themselves. This is a horrible revelation. But I've recognised it now and I'm not doing it anymore. I would attempt to test their love or committment but it was a catch 22 because if they did what I wanted "proving themselves" I would then deem them unworthy. All this was subconcious but I'm seeing the pattern now. I saw it a bit with H but didn't see that it made me devalue him.
I don't think I can or want to be friends with STBXH anymore. When I see him it's seems strange to think that we were even together, he looks nothing like the man I first met.
I am still learning everyday even though I feel like I'm doing quite well in terms of the divorce. I'm still learning about being a better partner and how relationships work in general.
I'm becoming LESS of an over-analysing nuerotic haha I trust myself more.