i think you know in your heart under the pain that will pass that you were really ready to hear these things - else you would not have initiated the conversation.
You are exactly right, i was ready to hear it. In fact that's the thought that was running through my head on Fri. "I'm ready to hear whatever it is he has to say."
I attempted to talk myself out of it but I'm glad I didn't. I have a new sense of peace now.
Quote:
I am so sorry that you had to - after all the work you have done - still listen to the script - but it is his script not yours - and we will watch and follow proudly how you continue to write yours.
The script-yes, I know they all say those tings but we have to remember that they are conveying their reality. He believes those things because that allows him to be "OK."
Quote:
There is a certain complacency, that I have always perceived in your h's demeanor, ever since I started reading your posts. and it also came through in how you described the r conversation you've just had with him. There is, I think, only one solution to complacency - and lord knows us LBS's know what it is LOL
That describes him perfectly and it was one of the things that attracted me to him in the beginning. He wasn't a show-off or braggart, he had an inner strength, he was calm. I needed that because I was coming from a chaotic, unsettled place. I was subconsciously searching for a rescuer and he fit the bill, unbeknownst to him.
He did "save me" in a lot of ways and I will always be grateful to him for that.
I will have a great life going forward, I just need to trust the process.
Thanks for making an appearance, I'm honored.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
You have been gradually getting ready and strong for this talk and even though you knew it was going to be tough, the conversation itself IS part of your moving forward.[quote]
It is so wonderful to be surrounded by people who "get me." We have so much in common, that at times I think we could finish each other's sentences. And it is you people, my tribe, who I rely on to call me on my sh!t. To say, "Whoaaaaaa, sister" when I get off track.
[quote]Grieve, process the experience and as always, things will fall where they have to. In the meantime, enjoy your day our with nature.
You know, I had a good day yesterday. I was emotionally and physically drained so didn't get out in nature. I laid around all day, didn't even get out of my pjs. Had ice cream for lunch and a slice of pizza and ice cream for dinner. Cried a few tears but not many, read some, watched mindless TV and fell asleep early.
I feel great today, which tells me I did what I needed to do when I needed to do it.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Hi Bugsy! Just read your post and I know that you are hurting, deeply right now. But I don't fault you for initiating the R discussion. At some point, somewhere down the line, a relationship in limbo has to come to a conclusion, one way or another.
I think that in the many months we DB'rs work to improve ourselves and our R's with our WAS's, we also stand in fear of the eventuality of our marriages coming to a complete and unrecoverable end. During the time we work on ourselves, we hold out hope that our WAS is doing the same, but that is rarely the case. From their POV, they've already done the work. Right or wrong, that is their opinion and we have to live with that.
But, over time as the fear dissipates, we become emboldened to make things move again. Someone once posted to my thread the following: "lose the fear, lose the limbo."
It would seem to me that you have lost the fear, that you are ready to move forward and chart a beautiful future for yourself. I applaud your courage and determination and I know great things will happen to the new and improved Bugsy!!
Thanks for popping in from your crazy jet-setting life!
You're right, getting past fear and letting go of outcomes is key. My fingers had to be pried one by one off the hold I had on "the way things are supposed to be" but now I feel very free.
You'll get there.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Yesterday I was thinking of things I've learned through this journey and I know I have more to learn but right now these are in my head.
Breathe! I have no control over other people. Work on me, Work on me, Work on me Slow-down, nothing need be decided right now. Think for 48 hours before acting (unless your house is on fire) Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries Don't tolerate crap behavior because you think that's what DBing is. Read the book again! Discover, uncover your authentic self and be that person!
These things will get you through a lot.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Also, remember what you said. You immediately started working on yourself with an IC when he first dropped the bomb way back when. Meanwhile, he's been stewing in his selfish ways.
Ah vero, so true. I even talked with my IC about this because there was some residual "If only I had done better" floating around in my head. I got into counseling and worked my tail off and have dealt with so much stuff and he lives his little life, in his little trailer, with very few friends, sees his kids occasionally. And if that's what makes him happy, more power to him. But...
I saw a sad-looking, uncomfortable, fearful man on Fri. I felt sorry for him.
I on the other hand, am blossoming(late bloomer, huh?).
And I'm worrying that I could have done better. That it's all my fault.
I've gotten skilled at shutting that voice down.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
You took care of yourself yesterday which is what you needed to do and today you can get on with things.
"I saw a sad-looking, uncomfortable, fearful man on Fri. I felt sorry for him."
In your summary of your talk with him, I saw the same thing in your H. You guys have been separated 18 months yet he thinks you are holding on too tight? He was married and unhappy for 20 years but didn't say anything? These are his issues and its really sad.
They have a disease or a disfunction and we have to pray for them to find their own way out.
It is so not your fault and you know that.
My H is exactly like this: ""He wasn't a show-off or braggart, he had an inner strength, he was calm. I needed that because I was coming from a chaotic, unsettled place. I was subconsciously searching for a rescuer and he fit the bill, unbeknownst to him""
He was a rock. But honestly these were men that were stuffing all their feelings until they exploded. They weren't been honest with themselves for years. Not just in regards to their M but in all their relationships, work, parents, kids and on and on. This has left them empty inside.
Check out [edited by dbmod: reference not recommended nor allowed].
You are doing great. Count your blessings
Last edited by dbmod; 11/04/1209:37 PM.
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
Breathe! I have no control over other people. Work on me, Work on me, Work on me Slow-down, nothing need be decided right now. Think for 48 hours before acting (unless your house is on fire) Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries Don't tolerate crap behavior because you think that's what DBing is. Read the book again! Discover, uncover your authentic self and be that person!
Thank you, Bug. So so true.
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
