you need to get some space...hold in there man! We have all been there...there are countless post of people that have gone through the same thing you will make and be a stronger person...but for now...go for a run a walk anything to burn off some of this energy...look at the bigger picture...your W might seem like the most important thing to you right now but she is not there..your kids are you most important thing right now...you need to be strong for them....you can do it!
Pretty sure MLC. He has changed hair, clothes, lost lots of weight, has pushed everybody and thing from his "old" life away (including his family). Started a new job and had an affair with a woman 10 years younger, kind of makes me believe MLC. He has pushed even his Ds out of his life. He moved out and doesn't care if he has any of his "stuff" from home.
You need to GAL as much as possible....stay away from R talk as much as you can---sounds like she is trying to drag you in but being busy with the kids I bet you can avoid it...or you can just say things are too emotional to talk about the R right now...your mind is probably racing right now...I was in this situation a couple of months ago---it seems like so long ago but it was just the middle of august...i still have my moments but I am sleeping now and eating more...but the short answer is you should act like you are getting on with your life and you will be able to survive without her if it comes to that...you are going to do things for you.
One thing that helped me detach and others may argue against this but...I would look at other women...in our circle of friends and daydream that I could be with that person..I don't act on it but it does help boost my confidence a little thinking that yeah if I had to I could eventually pick up the pieces and start dating again. One mistake I made was asking d11 about so and so's mom she is very savy and said don't even think about it. Take it a step at a time..you don't have to solve this problem every night...which is what your mind is doing right now....that is why you are up at 4.30..one quick bit of advice..don't let her see this website or know you are reading the books...something she does not have to know...
Wow, this is getting really uncomfortable in the house. Im basically ignoring or telling her that I dont want to talk about separation, OM etc but its getting to the point where one of is going to walk out the door.
Wow, this is getting really uncomfortable in the house. Im basically ignoring or telling her that I dont want to talk about separation, OM etc but its getting to the point where one of is going to walk out the door.
its just painful all round for both of us.
Do I talk, ignore or walk?
Find constructive things to do, stay busy. Exercise, get out of the house and visit someone or some place. Start a project. Get your mind on something else.
You don't want to initiate R talks, but ignoring her when she's pressing for discussion will only make matters worse. Listen and validate her feelings. Ask her for clarifications but do not argue or try to convince her to change her mind. Do not guilt her for wanting out. Tell her you understand why she feels the way she does. If at any time you feel that you can't abide by the bolded section above, excuse yourself and go for a walk to cool down / clear your mind. Tell her you need some time alone.
Don't move out of your house.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
My sitch is different in the fact that my husband doesn't live at home. He mostly has been traveling on business. When he is in town, he stays in his bosses extra apartment. I haven't had any contact with him in two weeks. That was an email I sent him. The last I heard from him was about 3 1/2 weeks ago and it was an email. I can't remember, but it has probably been a month since I actually talked to him. It was on the phone, I called him.
I did get the ILYBINILWY on the one of my lowest days of my life. He told me that after I just came home from the ER. He didn't come to ER to see whether I was ok or not. That really hurt. Everything about this has hurt.
Anyway, I've been reading stacks of books. Three of Michelle's books, the Jim Conway book on Men in Midlife Crisis, plus a few more. Anything that might help, I read. The only thing I have been able to put in practice is the detaching. There is no R talk because there is no talking. My older Ds (17&20) have on their own decided to detach as well. With him not being around, it's been easier. We have just been going on with our lives.
I'm not sure what effect, if any it is having on my H. I do know he told me in an email that he was supposed to be a conference in Vegas until the 8th. I was looking at our bank account info last night and saw that he got a haircut in our town yesterday. He is back in town. Who knew? So, I looked up the conference that was supposed to end on the 8th, it ended on Friday the 2nd! Ds asked what that meant. I have no clue. All I know is he is back a week early. Last I knew he was supposed to make a trip to Munich before Thanksgiving. ???? I don't know anymore.
I really just try not to think about where he is, what he's doing and who he's with. So, as of now I'm just not doing anything. Just living my life, reading the books, spending time with my daughters and working on myself.
I wish I had advice for you. My H hasn't ever come out and said he wants a divorce. He never said the S word either. He just didn't come home from a trip. The only thing he has said is, he doesn't want the house (can't afford it) he wants to sell some things, he doesn't want lawyers involved and hopes we can work together. He also said what your wife did. The affair is a symptom, not the problem.
I'll let you know what works with my H, if he ever talks to me. Right now I'm thinking the time apart is helping me. I like it when he has to sit alone in his apartment in town. It's in a barn. We're nearby in our nice big cozy home. Gives him something to think about.
I like it when he has to sit alone in his apartment in town. It's in a barn. We're nearby in our nice big cozy home. Gives him something to think about.
Right. This is why the LBS should not leave their home. The person who wants out should find a place if they no longer want to be in the marriage.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Im not leaving the house but we cant carry on like this.
she is as fed up of the merry go round as I am at this point and it is not helping my DB efforts!
In fact, I know its pushing her away more so at this point I am going to to take the advice posted above of just validating her feelings on the issue if she insists on raising it.
She is solidly in fantasy land at the moment at the thought of setting up house with this 55 year old married man! I dont even think he is prepared to leave his wife in all honesty! She told me her feelings for him were 'pretty strong' and that they can talk about everything! Of course they can, the man is a professional psych evaluator!!! If anything, I think he has been supplying her coaching / counseling to get to this point which is a huge conflict of interest in itself IMHO.
The best thing is that we cannot afford to go our separate ways and she has zero in terms of an exit plan. The only way I see this working for her is if married man does indeed leave his wife of 22 years and they shack up together.
It feels like I am in the middle of a personal nightmare or watching a movie.
It truly is the most awful situation I have ever had to deal with.
OK, so better day so far today. Trying to get back on track and all talk about R has been halted for now.
Something happened yesterday afternoon though. I think she communicated to the OM that I know about them.
Dont think he was best pleased. My wife was very angry and upset and spent 2 hours raking leaves in the pitch black of night! I have a feeling the fantasy bubble might have burst a little last night, as from what I can gather this guy wont leave his wife for her, hence the anger with him knowing that I could blow this wide open at any moment.
