My h left our home for the better part of 2 YEARS. Turns out, he was very lonely and I didn't know that for a long time. I will probably never know how lonely he was. Nor did he know how rejected I and our children felt. If he did, he'd probably have talked himself out of trying to return b/c he'd have seen the mountain as too high to climb. As my DB coach said, If you want to have a chance to reconcile (& for now let's say you do), then..you have to Keep the Road Home Paved & Smooth
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Boy this is hard but so true! I feel like I need to make a hammer out of this and hit myself with it daily. Today's not good...gonna look for that hammer!
Hope your staying on track, you do sound a little better. Stay dry and in place! _________________________
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
If he did, he'd probably have talked himself out of trying to return b/c he'd have seen the mountain as too high to climb. As my DB coach said, If you want to have a chance to reconcile (& for now let's say you do), then..you have to Keep the Road Home Paved & Smooth
wow- you know, that is a very very worthy perspective. i hadn't quite ever looked at it like that. when you say be a lighthouse i like the mental picture- and i love the idea of "sav\fe haven" and "home". it's something i always felt about my home and mom & family & life in general. (it's sooooo WHO I AM) - still do (even tho i'm ancient). i can see in my life & my entire mentality the NEED to have a homebase and a "gang" to be part of.
that being said- h never ever has. never felt it- never had it (i guess) his mom left with the baby brother- he stayed with nazi father- he has no notion (other than me maybe) of home and stability & "there forever".
i wonder sometimes- he elected to be with a person "like me" for quite a long long time.
your advice is sound i think.
i personally, some days, find the "mountain too big". it makes me stay back and not move forward or toward him. i know according to db and giving them space that's what i should do, stay back .
HOWEVER mentally- i find myself thinking sometimes it's too far to go "back" and i "CAN'T". I KNOW, it's not a very positive attitude- but i don't act on it- i merely float forward i think. but i do GET the MOUNTAIN idea. some days it seems so to me too....
the wind is picking up- i'm watching a tree next door - it's old old old, and probably 80 or 100 ft. hi - sway - and i'm hoping if it (or any of the five or six others in neighbor's yards - so big they can reach my house) won't blow over. it's scary watching them. (all the media hype).
i've turned off tv and am not watching- makes me crazy. going to go have a hot bath & read. hope we keep electricity - ta da...
thanks for that thought/realization. i will bang myself on the head with it also- it's true i'd think. so , like, what? thank goodness they're dense and can't know the havoc they've wrought in others' lives? and can't see how high the mountain is that they've built between them and those that love them? this girl doesn't know
i'm going to take today off from thinking & chores, to do-s, projects - anything in life "I should be doing" and just chill if possible. i'm sooooo tired of trying - today. sounds dramatic- this h & r, my mom (planted a friend with her so don't even have to know she's alone) - this stinking storm and 2 days of rushing around like mad - my sisters & the drama - you name it. FREE - FREE - FREE (IF I don't get blown away- i'm home free). yay.....
i hope your mood/day improve. try and not think at all about anything in the universe. get your hammer out- picture me blowing away in my black, white & pink baggy fleece pj bottoms and a red cashmere sweater- flying away amidst leaves & debris holding my giant green umbrella and banging my own self over the head. i look like hell- maybe i'll wash my hair incase elctricty goes out and i can't dry it= it's sticking out allover theplace because i keep running out in the yard to ppick more flowers that are getting beat up by the wind - but are too glorious to go without being appreciated.
I pray your safe! I'm glad your home free - maybe the wind will be just strong enough to blow all your crap surrounding you into a whirl wind.
Keep all your batteries strong - and maybe wash your hair cause you don't want to think about not having hot water.
I agree with everything you say about how you feel - dito for me. Bored, tired, and even angry about the whole thing, new life please, she'll have the same!
I hope you do have a pleasant ride with this storm, I'm keeping watch on tv, it's good you stay away from media hype, there more gloom and doom than we are.
Prayers - (((((((nero)))))))))))
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
so as a way (I think) to get out from the feelings of failure h faces regarding our "small" house H want's to quick claim deed it to me, get his name off this reminder of what he didn't accomplish.
he'll live in "my" house, pay for "my" house but want's no ownership of his failure.
THis is really alot for a person to take in - what a mind F*** spew I am facing.
We don't have community property laws here - so then I can Will it straight to the kids and then H can pay them rent! That's if crazy people really out live us all on sheer the will to die, they never get there wish!
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
just got electricity about 15 min ago. here's me sitting in the totally darkk house- with a little headlight thing on my head- in a jakcet with hood up- gloves - in front living room where i can see the cars & headlites - in the street out front (county rd) with lines of cars waiting to get gas. this road has been bumper to bumper for the entire time of storm - i canot figure out why and where they are/were going. now of course- lined up to get gas - it's been like this for three days. a total snarl-up-
but it was nice to see lights out there- in my jacket and qu8lt and headlite. then, i hear this little "voice" from the kitchen- and turn and see- ta da - a little light from the open refrig door- yayayayyyyyyy.
i am so happy to have electricity after five days of none- you have no idea. it's so exciting to think of heat in this hhouse. it could have been waaay worse- but it's been about 45 in the house at nite and morning- kind of chillie. and i'm the world's worse girlscout. my p8iddlie fire in the morning in fireplace- takes me the whole local newspaper to make one pot of water hot enough for my craapyy coffee- man, it's been sooooo lousey!!!
anyway- sure makes me happy for electricity. i've had hot water- so usually in evening i can warm up laying in a deep tub of hot hot water with my hat on and headlight- i'm sure it would win some stupid prize for world's dopiest picture- pitiful- but was mighty glad for th hot water too.
anyway- no real damage- thank goodness. lots of trees down and power lines- my property and house okay tho. thank God.
so i also had phone- and h has been calling alot every day (?) - he cancelled his travel plans to go visit a friend and immeidatley got first flight he could (tomorrow morning) here to "rescue" me and drive back to fla- rather than sit here iwth no electricity.
soo- he arrives tomorrow mornig- andhere it is tonite just got electric. wierd -0 huh/ i was surprised he'd offer and bother (to be honest). he kept sayign it was an emergency and an extreme situation. it's a bummer- but i mean, you do what you have to rite? it didn't occur to me- i was surprised.
i'm not getting my hopes up for some miracle cure- it's just interesting to note.
i'm really tired and kind of drained from the stress & so on- don't know- just freaky here. gal next door with the invalid motehr- freekie for a few days trying to find oxygen & elec. to recharge battery for lifting device to move mother into bed, etc. she's been a real basket case- poor thing. doing my best to hand-hold. she's a nice girl- i feel so badly and keep thinking how freaked out i'd be in same sitch. took her to fire station on next street over- i love firemen- they are so nice, helped out, made us both cry with their generosity and anxiousness to help- i mean, who does anymore??? fixed her up with a loaner generator & gas & so on. i swear- i've always seen their lights at night and felt glad to know they were there- now even more so. just comforting. no wonder everyone loves firemen. me too ---
that's my story- i'm out of here- just going to enjoy not sitting in the dark freezing (or going to a friends to get warm or have company). haven't seen a tv in five days- yikes!!!
hope all is well with you- i'm in a funny kind of mood here - do not know which way i'm going in life-
will report (* of course) hope you're good- xxoo now, everyone is yakking about a nor'easter coming next week- G0d! people need to shut up and chill for one minute before anticipating anotehr emergency.
I'm soo happy your ok, and your house withstood. Glad to have you back on line as well.
You enjoy you electric and hot coffee in the morning! Did you tell h the electric is on - or do you wanna drive back to fl? Be careful...tread lightly...he's the big storm in your life.
Hope your mom is good!
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Good to see you are OK Nero. I know it's hard to live without power, the longest I've been without power was between 2 to 3 days. In our electricty contract there was a clause in it which I think said this "If you are left without any power for more than 72 Hours then we will pay you �30 per day compensation. Low and behold 2 hours short of this time, the lights came back on! On another note a class from my old high school have been and still are stuck in the Big Apple. They've been told they should be on a flight back home this thursday.
And my heart goes out to all you people suffering from this terrible storm.
