I'm having a real struggle trying to accept that OW has any right to show up at my kids' school functions.
I know this is eating me up, but I just can't seem to get my head around it. I accept that I have no control over what she does - but I can't take the next step at the moment and think - ok, I will just ignore her.
I see my kids hurting and i just think she needs to know how much pain she has caused. If she's gonna turn up, she should take the heat, as it were.
She was preening and mugging and talking over other kids' performances on Monday, and even screamed out a very inappropriate "Woo Hoo" at the end of her niece's piece. Made me so angry to see her flaunting herself at the concert - she didn't even have the decency to sit quietly... Here i go again!
I know I'll have to get around this, but I'm still struggling.
Thanks for your detailed suggestions about how to move on, it really helps and gives me hope that i will get there soon.
I hope you had a happy birthday!!! Hang in there. You know what you need to focus on and you can do it!!!
(((NLW)))
Me & H: 44 D7, D6, S3 Together: 20y, M: 17y EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10 EA becomes PA: Spring 2011 H filed for D: 09/06/12 D Negotiating began 2/15 OW seemingly gone on 3/15 Still negotiating D
I had a good and bad bday yesterday. Great dinner provided by my mum and a nice visit from MIL with presents and cake.
stbx totally ignored the fact that it was my bday.
Unless of course you count the massive tantrum that he threw....
He phoned S14 at school (during lessons) - a real no-no - to say he was picking him up. S14 thought stbx had arranged that with me and so went home with him.
Of course, stbx stopped picking the kids up from school at the beginning of the week - telling me that he would not have contact with them any more until they initiated it and that he did not want to speak to me again. So, of course, i was at school, too, to pick up S14. Luckily, I saw them driving off - otherwise I would have been sitting there longer, wondering what had happened to my son.
When i got home, S14 had been left on the doorstep of our locked house. It was obvious that i was not at home - as the car that i now drive was not in the driveway, but stbx had driven off and left him there.
Apparently, he had been livid with S14.
stbx had given him the third degree about what happened at the concert on Monday night. stbx told S14 that "Mummy did a very bad thing."
My son denied this and said the 'other people' did worse things.
stbx then tried to tell S14 that he wanted to introduce OW to him.
D14 said he did not want to meet her. He said he was happy to see his dad on his own, but did not want her to be there.
stbx told S14 that he could not talk to him like that; that he could not tell him what to do. S14 responded by saying that stbx could not tell him that he had to meet OW. stbx was apparently shaking with rage and just dumped S14 in the driveway and drove off.
The same scenario ensued when he picked up D16 later in the afternoon (again, he arranged this with her and did not inform me). She told him she was not interested in meeting OW and he became angry again.
He told her the situation between him and mummy had nothing to do with OW - that it was not her fault. D16 responded by saying "You've got to be kidding". He drove off in a state of high dudgeon again.
Oh, the drama.
In terms of my response to all of this - I'm getting better. When i first saw stbx driving off with S14 from school pick-up, i was instantly furious. I'd been sitting there waiting for 30 mins and had interrupted my working day to get there, etc. I roared off in my car hoping to catch and confront him. But within seconds, i had myself under control and realised there was nothing to be gained.
I just let it go. Previously, too, I would have been heart-broken to think that my H could have ignored my birthday. I didn't ignore his - last week. I organised a cake and present for the kids to give him because it was the right thing to do - for them. But I had no expectations about reciprocation. Great lesson in doing the right thing without expecting anything in return.
So, I am moving forward with this.
stbx, on the other hand, is writhing with fury and indignation when he can't control what we do. I'm a little afraid of what is going to come next - as he is big on retaliation in these circumstances. I will almost certainly be served D papers next week.
Happy belated birthday! Glad you had fun with the rest of the family.
Good job on no expectations in regards to stbx! And great job on being the mature adult and practicing genuine giving with no expectation of reciprocity!
I love how they all regress to 2 year olds throwing a temper tantrum when things don't go their way. It cracks me up! The things they rationalize away are enough to make you laugh out loud - of course it has nothing to do with OW! (To be fair, in his mind it probably doesn't, since he obviously was contemplating leaving you before the A started, but we'll just ignore the fact that he never would have left if he didn't have a sugar momma to jump ship with!)
Keep moving forward. Take care of you and the kids.
If he ever pulls his head out of his arse, he'll have a LOT of catching up to do! But set the bar high!
As for the D papers, that's definitely a possibility. And it'll be a blow even if you are expecting it. So prepare as best you can, handle it with grace and dignity if it comes to that, and give yourself time to bounce back emotionally. And always remember, it's HIS LOSS if he lets you go!
(((NLW)))
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
NLW- I love that you were able to pull yourself back and regain your control. How empowering!
NLW-I want to wish you a belated birthday. And continue taking care of yourself and your kids. Because we know, thats what really matters.
Busting.
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
NLW - excellent work!! It takes real strenght to handle that kind of situation so well. Happy belated birthday
Together for 8,5 years. S2 Interest in OM. She left 29.09.12 b/c we couldn't work things out. No signs of OM, not digging. Living in seperate homes, sharing custody.
vero, My kids are def detaching from stbx. They are just too disappointed in him and too hurt to be wiling to put up with much more.
And they are insightful.
Tonight, S14 got a text that read "I won't be able to pick you up from school on Monday. Make sure you tell your mum to do it instead."
S14 asked me if his dad thought that saying things in a text made them real. As he pointed out - he hasn't picked them up from school for over a week now. It's been left up to me - with no word from stbx.
I asked him if he was going to reply to his dad's text and S14 said "No, I'm just so over all this. It's weird."
