Kicking a$$ and taking names!

[reachingHigher]

Tvs, thanks for asking. Your journey is getting pretty crazy right now too. Just after Gal has had a big change also. I'm hoping my big change is something OTHER than D! Lol!

Snodderly, I'm so glad you think the L visit went well. Me too. I'm struggling with how much to allow H to see me. Are more visits making him see how much he is missing? It seems unbelievably delicate right now.

MissA, I'm so sorry about the bruising. I know what you mean about being preoccupied. I almost lost my car keys when I was out the other day. I'm trying to treat myself VERY tenderly and forgive, forgive forgive myself. I advise you to do the same!!

T^2, I'm laughing at what you said too! Of course I knew the song was for him...but so kind of you to make it clear. Writing words down sometimes can lead to some misunderstandings.

I haven't noticed a theme of "if only", regrets, second guessing until MLC. My H was a pretty happy-go-lucky guy till then. If we made a financial mistake, we would hug each other and say, "it's only money". But last week (the depression talking) he sat on the bed with BIG tears in his eyes and said "I guess you made a poor choice with me". It broke my heart to see him this way.

And you are spot on about him searching for happiness. He's one miserable dude.

Journaling:

Looking over the past week since H got back from vacation, I see he texts every morning around 9ish. How did I sleep? How am I? Etc. And more texting me throughout the day.

He called Friday midday and then couldn't remember why he was calling. (!!)

He called yesterday but I had been crying (about him!) I had done the document for the lawyer and a budget for myself. I wanted to know if he wanted me to email the document or just go over it Sunday. He didn't seem too interested. More interested in wanting to come over and "nap" with me. We decided instead on what time to meet at the museum.

At the museum he was waiting outside. He reached out both his arms and grabbed S13 with one and me with the other! We had a pleasant time there. I took some pics of him and S13 which he posted on FB and tagged me.

He constantly had his hands on my waist or back or was drawing me to himself. S13 seemed really happy.

After the visit he asked what we were going to do next, something I hadn't thought of. I said it was too cold probably to go to a park, assuming he was going to HP next. It was obvious he wasn't, so I finally said I was planning on watching a movie and making popcorn with the boys and he could come if he wanted.

He explained he had nothing to do so he would come. When S13 realized this, he explained H was planning on coming Sunday to the house also. S13 knows H NEVER comes both weekend days. H just said "yup!"

So then S13 asks if he can ride with H and is delighted.

So H stayed till 8:30. He can hardly keep his hands off me. I asked him if he wanted to grill outside for lunch on Sunday and he said yes, he will bring the chicken to do so. I hugged him goodbye and he asked if he could come by at 11 am.

I said "whatever works for you". It almost sounded like he was choking up. Idk. The stars were SO pretty outside and he had an hour to drive to his dingy, mildew-smelling apartment.

He asked if he could have my extra lava lamp. And he offered to help me with fixing some issues with our driveway (long graveled lane) with the tractor.

It's so hard not to have hope. I'm trying to keep him at arm's length emotionally.

He tried to open a checking account for me at his credit union in a convenient place for me to bank but they said I had to do it. He said he will put $11K in it November 1 for me. So I guess he's planning on going through with the D, although I've stopped asking.

The attention?

A) guilt? Doesn't want to feel he's the "bad guy"
B) boredom? Comes here when he has nothing else to do
C) lonely? Life isn't as rosy as his Maui Jim's sunglasses show
D) love? He can't bear life without me

Who knows?

The craziness continues....