Lost and confused

[Soul.Searching]

Well, I woke up this morning to H calling, I had five missed calls.
I got up and called him back about 10 minutes later. He asked to speak to the kids, Okay then. He talked to each for maybe about two mins each. S8 hands the phone to me and he asked how I was, I said good and asked how he was, He said not good. Turns out he was booked this morning. Looks like he will loose his licence from loss of points. He is going to try to get a good behaviour bond but who knows if he will get it. If he looses his licence, chances are he will loose his job. He sounded very depressed and said he just wants to go home already. (His away for work.) I so wanted to ask him which home but I didn't.
He sounded close to tears. I said I thought you liked going away for work and he said "Not really, not when it's this long. I've already been here for how long already?" Usually I could have answered his question right away, I simply told him "I have no idea"

I think he is already finding out that the grass is not as green as he thought it was on the other side. Though I don't think his pride would actually let him do anything about it.

We talked for about half an hour before I said I had to go. It seems im still one of the people who chooses to call when he's feeling down.

In the afternoon, i heard my phone ringing, once again i had 6 missed calls. I called him back and he was calling to ask if he can take the kids out for dinner tomorrow night. He will be back for one night before he flys off again. I said yes but what i felt like saying, was so you have been calling me phone every few minutes, like a crazy person because you wanted to ask a question about dinner? Okay then!
He told me he was not sure if he will be home in time to take them.. Typical H, leave me hanging until the last minute not knowing what is going on.

He then said he has to go because he is talking on the phone while driving! Umm, that's illegal here. He was talking on the phone while driving, after being so stressed and depressed that he has lost his licence and how screwed his life will be if he cant get a good behaviour bond!

Seriously, I worry about him, It really looks like he is going to hit rock bottom and all I can do is watch from a distance.

I went back out side and came back in,... to my phone ringing,.. 8 missed calls!

He said he wasn't driving any more. He said again about taking the kids for dinner, if he gets back early enough.
I told him he needed to let me know ASAP because I need to cook dinner if the kids are going to be here. He said "Well what about you, if I take them out for dinner." I said "Well ill probably just make a toasted sandwich or something, if the kids are not going to be here."
So he said "Well you can come to then" I told him I didn't have the money, he said he will pay. I told him i didn't expect him to pay for me. Then he kept saying he will pick me and the kids up, I just said we will see what happens.

I'm so confused I love him and I want to stand but him leaving broke me,.. I put me back together again (Well still a work in progress) and i know now that I can not and will not be treated the way he used to treat me.
I don't think he will want to try again because of his ego and pride.

I don't understand why he is telling me about his unhappiness.
He has not said that he made a mistake or that he regrets his decision but he has made it clear the last week or so that he is not happy with his life.


It went to a children's B-day party today,... with H's family! H was away obviously, It was strange because I didn't feel weird at all. I have always got along with all of H's family and they even told him when he left, that I am still part of their family.

I actually seen a few guys checking me out today lol,.. i don't know if it was the new clothes i brought, The tiny bit of foundation and eye liner I wore or the fact that I was so in love with H that I stopped noticing when guys noticed me.

I'm definitely not going to be dating anyone new any time even remotely soon but i must admit, it did feel good to realise guys were looking lol,..