Lost and confused

[Crazyville]

Hi Soul, I'm not sure I can be much help with your Q's. As you know, you and I have a lot of similarities in our sitch's, so if you did something wrong, I probably did the same thing. I think the problem is dealing with a spouse that you expect to act like a grown-up, and when they don't, we just aren't prepared with the tools. The problem is that if we had to take pre-M classes to have the tools (eg. Cheating 101, Lying 200, Bad Budgeting 301) then I think lot of people would become totally disillusioned with M and skip it all together.

I'm wondering, did you ever do any of what he's doing? Did you ever leave the kids with him or get a babysitter so that you could go out drinking with your friends the minute he got home from work? I'm just curious what his response would have been to your actions. Same with lying. Did you ever throw in a lie just to make him start wondering? I just think you've been too available to/accepting of him. I find these people don't take it nearly as well as they dish it out. That's where I'm at right now. I figure I don't have anything to lose, so it's time for me to level the playing field. I'm at a different place than you but I'll let you know how it goes.

Have you gone dark at all? At least as much as you can with kids? It might be nice if some time when he called to talk to the kids, the babysitter answered the phone and the kids told him all about the night out you were having with friends (friends he didn't know, of course.)

[Soul.Searching]

Wow, thanks for all the replies. Definitely a lot to think about there's too much for me to reply to via my phone and I'm heading out soon. I'll get the laptop out tonight and reply properly. I just wanted to thank you all for replying. I was in a bad place lastnight but I'm feeling a bit better today. Well accept about a phone call from H,.. Hes not in a good place, I feel really bad for him. I'll explain later. Thanks again everyone. A change in my thinking patterns is really what I need right now .

[Soul.Searching]

Thank you Tumbling, theUF, Labug and CV i really do appreciate you taking the time to reply. It really does help.

Tumbling, Concerning the money, I tried to get him to sit down and make a budget with me, It either never happened or the times he actually did, He would just ignore it totally. Maybe now he is out on his own he might just realise. Or he could just keep going the same way he has been, who knows.

as for the lying, I guess really there's nothing I could have done about that except live with it. I noticed it's not just me he lies to. Its everyone, Sometimes as simple as someone calling and asking what his been doing and he would say "I just woke up" I think he is actually a compulsive lire. That really is a illness isn't it? (Might have to google that one.)

I guess towards the end I probably did make him feel bad, I just was at a loss as to how to handle things. Nothing I tried had worked and he was getting worse.

I probably could have worded things differently.I guess I would have worded things in a way that would have felt like I was attacking him. Oh how I wish I knew about DBing years ago.
i have read the book but I guess I didn't take a lot of it in.

See the thing was usually we had something planned. Even if it was just mowing the yard together. We have a huge yard and if someone called, he would drop what he was doing to go out and leave me to do it all myself. With his work roster, it wasn't like we could just leave it a day or two. I got stuck doing it all myself.
Or one he had half of my dash board pulled apart in my car and I needed to go out about a hour later, Well a friend called for him to go do something. When I said about me going out, he simply told me to put it back together myself.
I had no idea what I was doing but managed to put it back together but had two wires connected the wrong way. He got angry about that.
Things like that would just make me feel like he really only cared about himself, no one else.

The UF, Yes, I think he did feel like that but he also tried to make me out to be a nagging wife, when I wasn't. Not too long before he left, I found out he had been telling friends I was hassling him when he was out. (In another state and out for the night) Id called him and asked him about a football game. It was my team VS his. I wanted to know if it was on the same time there as here. When I asked him about it, he said it felt like I was hassling him. I just don't understand.
I'm not saying I never hassled him but it was no where near as often as he made out it was to other people.

Tumbling: That was exactly how it was, he had a crazy work schedule, so I would never know what time he would be getting home. If I called that was me being controlling, yet he would expect me to be home and ready when he got home to go do whatever he wanted me to do. I simply wanted to know beforehand when he was going out, so I could plan my night around me!
It wasn't like I expected him to call me and tell me he was going out, when he was away for work.

Labug, I got the same thing before he went but it seems now, that his not enjoying this any more. He has been telling me how he may as well have not bothered going out because it wasn't fun.
I don't understand.
When he went out I did not drop what I was doing to spend time with him, when he got home. I think he thought I should.
We did talk about this a bit and I think it was a chain reaction! I would call and he would think I was going to hassle him, so he would be rude and talk to me like crap, in return I would get pissed about the way he treated me and then end up hassling him. Catch 22.

UF, I don't understand what your saying about the quote. Are you saying they do respect them or they don't?

CV, I did start levelling the playing field and that very well could have been a part in why he left, though I hadn't done it in a while.
I did lie to him once, He asked me a question, I answered with a lie. He asked another question and I said, I didn't even go there, I just lied. LOL He looked at me like I was insane and asked why I lied, I said just to show you what it feels like. He was not impressed! I was desperate but all I managed to do was have him loose a little bit of his trust for me but continue to lie. It's almost like he couldn't connect it together.
As for the going out, no. Every time I was supposed to, H would conveniently forget and spend the money at the pub on pay day.

Levelling the playing field is very dangerous but if your sure you have nothing to loose,..
Seriously, it's really like they can not or will not make the connection, that its what they are doing to you. It's almost like they think they have a right to do it to us but if we do it to them, it's just wrong.

As for going dark, no not fully. I haven't seen him for a week and a half but he wants to take the kids to dinner tomorrow night and wants me to go too. (I'll post about that later.)

I have stopped initiating contact. He seems to go through periods of not calling much, then does not leave me alone!

It's hard to go dark because he asks me questions. I don't want to just not answer him. Not yet anyway, for now I'm still trying to keep things as friendly as possible. If he asks and I say I was out, he asks where and who with. I have stopped asking him any questions like this. Sometimes it's like he wants me to ask, Like he will give me a tiny bit of info, then wait for a question. I'm not asking though. Since I joined here, I haven't asked him, one single question about where, his been, who his with etc. He actually does go through periods of not asking me questions but it only last a day or two, three at the most. Well so far anyway.
I haven't got a home phone, Only a Mobile.

[Soul.Searching]

Well, I woke up this morning to H calling, I had five missed calls.
I got up and called him back about 10 minutes later. He asked to speak to the kids, Okay then. He talked to each for maybe about two mins each. S8 hands the phone to me and he asked how I was, I said good and asked how he was, He said not good. Turns out he was booked this morning. Looks like he will loose his licence from loss of points. He is going to try to get a good behaviour bond but who knows if he will get it. If he looses his licence, chances are he will loose his job. He sounded very depressed and said he just wants to go home already. (His away for work.) I so wanted to ask him which home but I didn't.
He sounded close to tears. I said I thought you liked going away for work and he said "Not really, not when it's this long. I've already been here for how long already?" Usually I could have answered his question right away, I simply told him "I have no idea"

I think he is already finding out that the grass is not as green as he thought it was on the other side. Though I don't think his pride would actually let him do anything about it.

We talked for about half an hour before I said I had to go. It seems im still one of the people who chooses to call when he's feeling down.

In the afternoon, i heard my phone ringing, once again i had 6 missed calls. I called him back and he was calling to ask if he can take the kids out for dinner tomorrow night. He will be back for one night before he flys off again. I said yes but what i felt like saying, was so you have been calling me phone every few minutes, like a crazy person because you wanted to ask a question about dinner? Okay then!
He told me he was not sure if he will be home in time to take them.. Typical H, leave me hanging until the last minute not knowing what is going on.

He then said he has to go because he is talking on the phone while driving! Umm, that's illegal here. He was talking on the phone while driving, after being so stressed and depressed that he has lost his licence and how screwed his life will be if he cant get a good behaviour bond!

Seriously, I worry about him, It really looks like he is going to hit rock bottom and all I can do is watch from a distance.

I went back out side and came back in,... to my phone ringing,.. 8 missed calls!

He said he wasn't driving any more. He said again about taking the kids for dinner, if he gets back early enough.
I told him he needed to let me know ASAP because I need to cook dinner if the kids are going to be here. He said "Well what about you, if I take them out for dinner." I said "Well ill probably just make a toasted sandwich or something, if the kids are not going to be here."
So he said "Well you can come to then" I told him I didn't have the money, he said he will pay. I told him i didn't expect him to pay for me. Then he kept saying he will pick me and the kids up, I just said we will see what happens.

I'm so confused I love him and I want to stand but him leaving broke me,.. I put me back together again (Well still a work in progress) and i know now that I can not and will not be treated the way he used to treat me.
I don't think he will want to try again because of his ego and pride.

I don't understand why he is telling me about his unhappiness.
He has not said that he made a mistake or that he regrets his decision but he has made it clear the last week or so that he is not happy with his life.


It went to a children's B-day party today,... with H's family! H was away obviously, It was strange because I didn't feel weird at all. I have always got along with all of H's family and they even told him when he left, that I am still part of their family.

I actually seen a few guys checking me out today lol,.. i don't know if it was the new clothes i brought, The tiny bit of foundation and eye liner I wore or the fact that I was so in love with H that I stopped noticing when guys noticed me.

I'm definitely not going to be dating anyone new any time even remotely soon but i must admit, it did feel good to realise guys were looking lol,..

[theUF]

The UF, Yes, I think he did feel like that but he also tried to make me out to be a nagging wife, when I wasn't. Not too long before he left, I found out he had been telling friends I was hassling him when he was out. (In another state and out for the night) Id called him and asked him about a football game. It was my team VS his. I wanted to know if it was on the same time there as here. When I asked him about it, he said it felt like I was hassling him. I just don't understand.
I'm not saying I never hassled him but it was no where near as often as he made out it was to other people.

Maybe his perception is off. Like he will start to see smaller and smaller things as nagging?

My x had a jealous period where she would constantly check up on me, after a while she calmed down. One of my mates gave me a reality check a short while after though, because I would percieve a simple text like "hey whats up?" or "hey how are you?" as just another way to check up on me. lol.

UF, I don't understand what your saying about the quote. Are you saying they do respect them or they don't?

I was saying that it was spot on, there is a fine line between standing up for yourself and just being a jerk. A guy who would stand up for himself, but still show respect to his W, is a good guy.

I have a friend who tries to stand up for himself, often ends up not, but tries to do it by arguing or being downright respectless towards his W. I've even asked him why their dynamics are this way, it's not healthy. I've put that in my list of traps-I-will-not-fall-into.

[Soul.Searching]

Okay so I'd really like advice again, please. H called again tonight. He said he will be home on time tomorrow and he will pick me and the kids up to go to dinner. (McDonalds)(I had not said i will go, I said we will see what happens) Anyway he said he just wanted to spend time with the kids. I told him that if he wanted to spend time with the kids, the he can just take them if he wanted. He said no they will be happy for us all to spend a little bit of time together.

He is right there but I'm worried about them getting the wrong idea. I don't want them to get their hopes up. Also I am worried about me.
I'm still detaching, I know I can still see him and detach but it's harder.
I have no expectations but I know that hope might become heightened.

Also I am nervous about seeing him. Strange feeling...I don't know why I feel nervous. Kinda feels like a job interview type nerves.
I do want to go but it just feels strange. Do I act like friends? Business associates? I just don't know.

[Soul.Searching]

The UF, Yes, I think he did feel like that but he also tried to make me out to be a nagging wife, when I wasn't. Not too long before he left, I found out he had been telling friends I was hassling him when he was out. (In another state and out for the night) Id called him and asked him about a football game. It was my team VS his. I wanted to know if it was on the same time there as here. When I asked him about it, he said it felt like I was hassling him. I just don't understand.
I'm not saying I never hassled him but it was no where near as often as he made out it was to other people.

Maybe his perception is off. Like he will start to see smaller and smaller things as nagging?

My x had a jealous period where she would constantly check up on me, after a while she calmed down. One of my mates gave me a reality check a short while after though, because I would percieve a simple text like "hey whats up?" or "hey how are you?" as just another way to check up on me. lol.

Really? I find that interesting. Maybe he really did feel I was checking up on him? I didn't go through a jealous stage though. Maybe he was just paranoid. He was working with a bunch of guys who have stupid outlooks on wives calling. Maybe he was paranoid. Thanks for the response. I never considered that he actually thought I was hassling him. I didn't understand how he could have thought that.

UF, I don't understand what your saying about the quote. Are you saying they do respect them or they don't?

I was saying that it was spot on, there is a fine line between standing up for yourself and just being a jerk. A guy who would stand up for himself, but still show respect to his W, is a good guy.

I have a friend who tries to stand up for himself, often ends up not, but tries to do it by arguing or being downright respectless towards his W. I've even asked him why their dynamics are this way, it's not healthy. I've put that in my list of traps-I-will-not-fall-into.

Yeah men are from mars,... LOL JK
I've noticed a few different men, doing things they didn't seem to want to do, just to show their mates they are not "Whipped"

[Soul.Searching]

The UF, Yes, I think he did feel like that but he also tried to make me out to be a nagging wife, when I wasn't. Not too long before he left, I found out he had been telling friends I was hassling him when he was out. (In another state and out for the night) Id called him and asked him about a football game. It was my team VS his. I wanted to know if it was on the same time there as here. When I asked him about it, he said it felt like I was hassling him. I just don't understand.
I'm not saying I never hassled him but it was no where near as often as he made out it was to other people.

Maybe his perception is off. Like he will start to see smaller and smaller things as nagging?

My x had a jealous period where she would constantly check up on me, after a while she calmed down. One of my mates gave me a reality check a short while after though, because I would percieve a simple text like "hey whats up?" or "hey how are you?" as just another way to check up on me. lol.

Really? I find that interesting. Maybe he really did feel I was checking up on him? I didn't go through a jealous stage though. Maybe he was just paranoid. He was working with a bunch of guys who have stupid outlooks on wives calling. Maybe he was paranoid. Thanks for the response. I never considered that he actually thought I was hassling him. I didn't understand how he could have thought that.

UF, I don't understand what your saying about the quote. Are you saying they do respect them or they don't?

I was saying that it was spot on, there is a fine line between standing up for yourself and just being a jerk. A guy who would stand up for himself, but still show respect to his W, is a good guy.

I have a friend who tries to stand up for himself, often ends up not, but tries to do it by arguing or being downright respectless towards his W. I've even asked him why their dynamics are this way, it's not healthy. I've put that in my list of traps-I-will-not-fall-into.

Yeah men are from mars,... LOL JK
I've noticed a few different men, doing things they didn't seem to want to do, just to show their mates they are not "Whipped"

Sorry for the double post. I'm trying to make it easier to read. How do i stop that scrolling quote box?

[labug]

When you use the quote button it creates that box.

Also I am worried about me.
I'm still detaching, I know I can still see him and detach but it's harder.
I have no expectations but I know that hope might become heightened.

This is good insight.

Do some reading about setting boundaries. It will be helpful to you in all areas of your life.

[Soul.Searching]

Thanks Labug. I'm finding it hard to decide what boundaries to set concerning H.