Lost and confused

[Soul.Searching]

Thank you Tumbling, theUF, Labug and CV i really do appreciate you taking the time to reply. It really does help.

Tumbling, Concerning the money, I tried to get him to sit down and make a budget with me, It either never happened or the times he actually did, He would just ignore it totally. Maybe now he is out on his own he might just realise. Or he could just keep going the same way he has been, who knows.

as for the lying, I guess really there's nothing I could have done about that except live with it. I noticed it's not just me he lies to. Its everyone, Sometimes as simple as someone calling and asking what his been doing and he would say "I just woke up" I think he is actually a compulsive lire. That really is a illness isn't it? (Might have to google that one.)

I guess towards the end I probably did make him feel bad, I just was at a loss as to how to handle things. Nothing I tried had worked and he was getting worse.

I probably could have worded things differently.I guess I would have worded things in a way that would have felt like I was attacking him. Oh how I wish I knew about DBing years ago.
i have read the book but I guess I didn't take a lot of it in.

See the thing was usually we had something planned. Even if it was just mowing the yard together. We have a huge yard and if someone called, he would drop what he was doing to go out and leave me to do it all myself. With his work roster, it wasn't like we could just leave it a day or two. I got stuck doing it all myself.
Or one he had half of my dash board pulled apart in my car and I needed to go out about a hour later, Well a friend called for him to go do something. When I said about me going out, he simply told me to put it back together myself.
I had no idea what I was doing but managed to put it back together but had two wires connected the wrong way. He got angry about that.
Things like that would just make me feel like he really only cared about himself, no one else.

The UF, Yes, I think he did feel like that but he also tried to make me out to be a nagging wife, when I wasn't. Not too long before he left, I found out he had been telling friends I was hassling him when he was out. (In another state and out for the night) Id called him and asked him about a football game. It was my team VS his. I wanted to know if it was on the same time there as here. When I asked him about it, he said it felt like I was hassling him. I just don't understand.
I'm not saying I never hassled him but it was no where near as often as he made out it was to other people.

Tumbling: That was exactly how it was, he had a crazy work schedule, so I would never know what time he would be getting home. If I called that was me being controlling, yet he would expect me to be home and ready when he got home to go do whatever he wanted me to do. I simply wanted to know beforehand when he was going out, so I could plan my night around me!
It wasn't like I expected him to call me and tell me he was going out, when he was away for work.

Labug, I got the same thing before he went but it seems now, that his not enjoying this any more. He has been telling me how he may as well have not bothered going out because it wasn't fun.
I don't understand.
When he went out I did not drop what I was doing to spend time with him, when he got home. I think he thought I should.
We did talk about this a bit and I think it was a chain reaction! I would call and he would think I was going to hassle him, so he would be rude and talk to me like crap, in return I would get pissed about the way he treated me and then end up hassling him. Catch 22.

UF, I don't understand what your saying about the quote. Are you saying they do respect them or they don't?

CV, I did start levelling the playing field and that very well could have been a part in why he left, though I hadn't done it in a while.
I did lie to him once, He asked me a question, I answered with a lie. He asked another question and I said, I didn't even go there, I just lied. LOL He looked at me like I was insane and asked why I lied, I said just to show you what it feels like. He was not impressed! I was desperate but all I managed to do was have him loose a little bit of his trust for me but continue to lie. It's almost like he couldn't connect it together.
As for the going out, no. Every time I was supposed to, H would conveniently forget and spend the money at the pub on pay day.

Levelling the playing field is very dangerous but if your sure you have nothing to loose,..
Seriously, it's really like they can not or will not make the connection, that its what they are doing to you. It's almost like they think they have a right to do it to us but if we do it to them, it's just wrong.

As for going dark, no not fully. I haven't seen him for a week and a half but he wants to take the kids to dinner tomorrow night and wants me to go too. (I'll post about that later.)

I have stopped initiating contact. He seems to go through periods of not calling much, then does not leave me alone!

It's hard to go dark because he asks me questions. I don't want to just not answer him. Not yet anyway, for now I'm still trying to keep things as friendly as possible. If he asks and I say I was out, he asks where and who with. I have stopped asking him any questions like this. Sometimes it's like he wants me to ask, Like he will give me a tiny bit of info, then wait for a question. I'm not asking though. Since I joined here, I haven't asked him, one single question about where, his been, who his with etc. He actually does go through periods of not asking me questions but it only last a day or two, three at the most. Well so far anyway.
I haven't got a home phone, Only a Mobile.