He's Just Not That Into You

[RegretfulLA]

This is a continuation of my previous thread, "Keep Breathing"

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2295776&page=1

To sum up in a paragraph, we had a BD about 5 months ago. I had an EA and H kicked me out, I lived with my parents for 3 months and am now back at home (2 months). In that last month we have made a lot of progress and have gone from not speaking and fighting to doing family things and him allowing me to rub his back/cuddle with him.

Yesterday was H's birthday and I went all out to make a nice day for him, but was left feeling very empty, kind of like when you're dating someone and you realize "he's just not that into you."

A few weeks ago I got into H's phone and email to see what was going on and discovered the presence of what I think is a POW (potential other woman). H had multiple plans with her over the summer when I was not here and seems very emotionally attached to her.

We got invited to a friend's 40th birthday party (tonight) and H said he might want to go, so I asked my parents to babysit. H told me yesterday that he was going to watch the football game with his friend. I told H, I'd really like you to come to this party with me.

This afternoon, H went to get his car washed. He almost never does that kind of thing on the weekends but told me 3 times he was going to get his car washed today. That got my suspicions up. What is he really doing? He was gone a long time so I called him to see what was going on. At first, I thought he was making a side trip to visit POW because at one point over the summer (via text) she said she was sick and he asked her if she needed anything, saying "I could run an errand" (by way of giving an excuse to me).

He got home from getting his car washed and let me know that he was not watching the football game with his friend, that he was going to a play downtown. When I asked him who he was going with, he said, "My friend POW." I looked down. He knew I was upset. He said, "We're just friends." My answer was, "You're just friends right now." Now as I'm writing this, I realize he was getting his car washed in preparation for his "date."

His first reaction to all of this was to say, "I really think we need to go to MC." That's good. He brought up MC about a month ago and never followed up. I'm glad he's following up now. We need it. However, the context - telling me he's going on a date with some other girl and then saying that as a follow up - clearly I see some guilt on his face.

He doesn't know that I've looked at his phone and know what I know. He said things to her over the summer that lead me to believe that he was at least interested in her, even if there was nothing going on. Actually, I do believe there's nothing going on, but I don't believe that he's not interested in her, as he tried to tell me later in the conversation. He also tried to tell me "I'm pretty sure she's gay."

So of course, I was upset about this. Very upset. I told him it was completely inappropriate for him to go out on a Saturday night with an unmarried woman, especially when I had asked him to come out with me. His answer? "There's nothing wrong with it." I told him this was unacceptable going forward and he would have to keep it to lunch. Later on, when he reiterated that there was nothing going on and it was not inappropriate, I said I didn't believe him. Then he said, "I'm pretty sure she's gay." Give me an F'ing break. I read the texts.

He also said that he was being very respectful to me by telling me exactly what he was doing. No, being very respectful to me would be NOT TO GO ON A DATE WITH ANOTHER WOMAN WHO YOU LIKE WHEN YOUR WIFE HAS ASKED YOU TO GO OUT WITH HER.

Keep in mind that yesterday was his birthday and I spent the afternoon baking him a homemade cake. I know this was meaningful to him.

My stepmother encouraged me to banish him to the pull out bed as a result of this blatant lack of respect, so I let him know he would need to sleep in the guest room tonight. His response was, "What?" So I said, "Well, I'm sleeping in my bed and you can do what you want."

I really did my best not to get in a fight with him and try to remember my DB principles. I told him I was hurt and upset. I set my boundary. And then he said that I had no right to be angry, that my anger is a big problem for him in our marriage. The ironic thing is, I didn't even get angry. No yelling. He threw all of my belongings on the lawn over the summer, trashed me to our mutual friends, and in front of our children, but I'm the one with the anger problem.

I'm wary about MC. He could be teeing me up to say, "I want a divorce and I need you to understand that." I told him that. He said he didn't really know what he wanted. He knows he really loves his family (e.g., his children) and he's evaluating a lot of things right now.

To make matters worse, the nosy neighbor (N) that I have mentioned before is gossiping away... my next door neighbor flat out told me today not to trust N - she heard about my situation from some other neighbor who heard it from N... and apparently my H had also told N that "I'm not the person he thought he married" because my next door neighbor (whom I like) repeated that back to me.

So I'm going to GAL at this 40th birthday party... H can screw himself... I am so angry at him!