I guess I can be here now 2

[25yearsmlc]

May,

I'll be calling you. Meanwhile, a bit of insight about suicide and it's wreckage, which gabbysmom has touched on quite deeply.

A bf of mine lost his dad to suicide after his wife left him.

BFs 13 y/o brother found their dad, so that was a nice touch. And it was on Thanksgiving.

But here's what really struck me most of all...my friend's children, are the grandchildren of the suicide victim.

They know their grandfather chose suicide over having time with their father (his son), AND over time with them...

and that hurts THEM!...and it goes on and on. I know of a great uncle I never met, who killed himself. That's all I know of him.


What do you want to be remembered for? what do you want your daughter to learn about life's setbacks? What about betrayal? What about being deceived?

YOu want her to feel eternally fatally wounded when someone lies to her or betrays her?

Do not model that for her. And May, I think something else is going on with you too and you can't dismiss that.

ANYHOW

So DB gave you an option you would NOT have had if you had not reconciled with your h. That's an OPTION not a punishment.

Your real complaint seems to be the discovery AFTER the fact-

and the apparent "waste of time" working on the m (and probably learning something)

but even if you now divorce him,

the reality is your h and d bonded for that much longer. How is that a bad thing?

What have you LOST by staying m and now having the option of leaving, AN option which you always retain?

I say, It beats having him weird out & leave during a pregnancy for OW... Well, hey, At least it's all up to YOU now.

And yes, he lied....that sukks. However,

from what you've shared w/me, his family holds grudges forever.


HE has never seen forgiveness. He has heard of your absolutes so if he were to break one, why on earth would HE confess it to you?

I mean I get the sense of betrayal. I GET IT....I swear!


But do you see why he'd lie about it? B/C I get that too. It's not admirable -

but it is understandable, based on what you are saying here and what he knows of you

AND based on his family background - which taught him to "Deny Deny Deny, b/c you'll never be released from your mistake", I think I get it.

YOU have some forgiveness work to do, no matter what else happens. No, forgiveness does not mean you condone or necessarily take him back.

I'm simply saying that you are harming yourself by holding onto the anger.

"When you hold onto anger to hurt someone else, it's like lighting yourself on fire, to get smoke in their eyes."

I hope you can see this^^^^....

the whole reason I ever chose to forgive, originally, was b/c my pain and anger consumed ME. Not b/c I thought h "Deserved" it.

My pain and anger were stopping me from being the mother I wanted to be. Too pre-occupied to be fully present. Also was a lousy friend and sister at that time too.

Remember Retrovaille if you want to work on the marriage

and remember the individual workshop FOR YOU, which I mention often ("Essential Experience"--in Philly)--check their webiste out b/c you'll love the help you get there. It's intense and life changing and profound.

Truly you'll get some peace and clarity. And you deserve it.